Year 7 wanting to leave

[Robinredbreast]

Would be grateful for advice.

 

DS is at vocational school in England. Year 7. He seemed to really enjoy the first half term but this half term is a totally different story. Tears every night, asking to come home. 
 

He no longer wants to dance as a career. Being there full time has made that clear to him. The dance classes are therefore fun but too long and obviously the commitment to focus and work hard every day isn’t there. He finds the academic side of things frustrating, since there’s not as much time for them as he’d like. He misses home dreadfully. He has friends but nobody close so often feels lonely I think. We can’t get to visit him weekly for various reasons which is also hard: we have family nearby but he wants us. 
 

There’s nothing “bad” going on: no bullying, abuse etc. I’ve asked repeatedly and believe him. It’s just not the right school for him.

 

Any advice? Do we make him complete the year? Pull him out straight away? If he were older I think there’s a strong argument for seeing through a commitment but he’s only 11 and I worry about psychological harm if we leave him: but maybe that’s just me panicking….? Maybe he could enjoy the rest of the year somehow and then leave before year 8? Maybe we should give up the place for someone who really wants it? He has performance commitments this Christmas: he says he doesn’t mind not performing but surely he can’t let everyone down? 

[Pas de Quatre]

If you think he needs to leave, then sooner rather than later is best. If he is sure, talk to the school and see what they suggest. They may have had similar situations in the past and will send him home, or they may be confident it is only a temporary blip. If he does come home where will he go to school? Does he realise it will not be as it was in Yr 6. In this area all good schools are oversubscribed and he might only be given a place in a bad school. Or can you afford to go private?

[SissonneDoublee]

Returning after half term can be tough, as they get used to being back at home and make comparisons with a rose-tinted version of how things are for siblings or friends. It might be that this passes as he gets back into school life.

However, vocational training is full on, and some children realise that it is just not what they want. If he is miserable, I would be inclined to pull him out sooner rather than later. 
 

If he is sure that this is not just post-holiday blues, you need to find out from the school what the notice period is, and what the implications of any MDS funding are. Your local authority will be able to let you know about spaces at schools. Don’t worry about seeing through the commitment on this one. He’s eleven, and away from home. If he needs to come home, he needs to come home. There will be other children on standby for roles in productions, and the rehearsals and performances can be intense and this could make things more miserable if it’s not where his heart is. 

[Jan McNulty]

Hello Robinredbreast and welcome to the Forum.

 

Not being a DP, I can't give any advice but one of my friends told me (we didn't meet till we were well beyond school) that he went to WL for Yr 7 and, due to extreme home sickness, lasted 3 weeks.  He went home and eventually went to a musical theatre school at 16 and had a successful career in West End musicals until he decided to change direction.

 

It's worth looking through the Forum as lots of people have commented on there being many roads leading to Rome.

 

Very best wishes to your DS and you.

[Whiteduvet]

Thank you. I’ve just had him (illicitly) on the phone again in tears. He wants to leave but is scared of making the wrong decision. His heart isn’t in dancing: to be honest I never quite believed he wanted it as a career but was happy to be proven wrong and he was so keen to go. 
 

We could stretch to private if we had to which I guess is something. I will speak to his house mistress today and get her view too. Maybe it’ll settle but it feels like if the basic reason for being there is no longer there, then the school will never fit.  

[Anna C]

Just wondering if the school has a qualified Counsellor?  An impartial person for your DS to talk to might help clarify whether this is post-half term blues that will pass in the run up to Christmas, whether it’s this particular school that’s a wrong fit, or whether full-time training is not for him, either now or in future.  I’m assuming that if he came home before the end of term, he wouldn’t be able to walk straight into academic school, so if there’s no bullying or similar issues, logistically it may be better to see the term through if he can.  Leaving and then being stuck at home with no academic classes might turn out to be worse than staying for the next few weeks.

[meadowblythe]

 

My heart aches for you - my DS was retrieved from trying to run away 3 times in 3 weeks at this stage in year 7.  

 

Two thoughts:  it was the wrong school for my DS.  He was eventually assessed out and spent two very happy years at a different vocational school.  He is still a ballet dancer although to scare some of you he has now reached the grand age of 24.

 

The two main issues in his case were mismatch between pre-vocational programme (all leaps and twirls) vs reality (back to basics) and also a very urban environment (space and mentality) versus a very rural home life.    I also think it was pretty clear that 2 had been picked for training and the rest were paying the electricity bill.  

 

Another boy left in year 7 after the first term.  He came back to the school in year 9 and did exceptionally well.  My daughter is not a "chosen one" at her musical conservatoire but she chose to fight the system and has managed to get some changes.  Leaving was never an option for her.

 

I think the impartial counsellor is an excellent idea - if the school can't provide one can you arrange a private appointment with someone?  

 

The one thing that got my DS through was taking him out of school a lot at weekends.  We stayed locally rather than bringing him home but it gave him some breathing space.

 

Please feel free to message if it would help.  

 

Meadowblythe

[Mummy twinkle toes]

If he knows dance is not for him then it would make sense for him to leave. There is no point in making him train in something he doesn’t want to do. I know it is hard as I have been there with Dd2. 

If you think it is more due to home sickness then you could ask him to stay until Christmas break. You can then have serious conversations about what direction he should head. In the future he may decide to return to dance or give it up altogether.

Speak to the school to see how they find him in class and about any financial consequences of leaving.

If your son is more academic then he may thrive in pursuing academic bursaries/scholarships. These help with private school fees if that is an option.

 

[Dancing unicorn]

I agree with meadowblythe, dd had a terrible time in her first school, not that it wasn’t that she didn’t want to dance, she did, she was desperate, but it was the other kids and the staff! Changed schools in yr 10 and In her second school we used to go every weekend on a Sunday to take her for tea (although it was frowned upon to go every week!) we knew that that was what was best for our child. She needed healing time from the previous school, and she just needed that contact to get her thru it. 

[Aklf]

4 hours ago, Robinredbreast said:

Would be grateful for advice.

 

DS is at vocational school in England. Year 7. He seemed to really enjoy the first half term but this half term is a totally different story. Tears every night, asking to come home. 
 

He no longer wants to dance as a career. Being there full time has made that clear to him. The dance classes are therefore fun but too long and obviously the commitment to focus and work hard every day isn’t there. He finds the academic side of things frustrating, since there’s not as much time for them as he’d like. He misses home dreadfully. He has friends but nobody close so often feels lonely I think. We can’t get to visit him weekly for various reasons which is also hard: we have family nearby but he wants us. 
 

There’s nothing “bad” going on: no bullying, abuse etc. I’ve asked repeatedly and believe him. It’s just not the right school for him.

 

Any advice? Do we make him complete the year? Pull him out straight away? If he were older I think there’s a strong argument for seeing through a commitment but he’s only 11 and I worry about psychological harm if we leave him: but maybe that’s just me panicking….? Maybe he could enjoy the rest of the year somehow and then leave before year 8? Maybe we should give up the place for someone who really wants it? He has performance commitments this Christmas: he says he doesn’t mind not performing but surely he can’t let everyone down? 

Sorry to hear you are facing such a tough predicament. Reading what you say I would be inclined to pause and wait till term end whilst making other back up plans and buying some extra time to plan his next steps smoothly if he does decide to leave. 
You say he loved it at first as it was probably exciting and new but as the novelty has worn off and reality has set in he has had a change of heart.
11 is exceptionally young to find yourself away from home, with a brand new structure, friends, expectations and it’s probably very confronting to realise the enormity of making a decision to pursue ballet as a career at this early stage too. The kids certainly tend to have wobbles after spending time back with the family in the early days and that certainly takes time to adjust.

If his heart was always with ballet before he went away and he really wanted this then I would be inclined to let the dust settle before removing him. However, If he really doesn’t want to continue training and you know it’s not a reaction to initial homesickness and being so young then I would say it is best to bring him home. Hopefully the school have great pastoral care and house parents who can let you know how he is doing in general and also great advice to speak to a counsellor to talk things through and determine what is best for him. You don’t want him to have any regrets either way!  
Wish you well whichever way you decide. Don’t be afraid to ask the school for support in the first instance as your child will certainly not be the first to feel this way. 

[Jewel]

When my daughter chose to go to vocational school we told her that if she ever changed her mind she was to say and it would not be seen as failing, just choosing to take a different direction.

 

She stayed the course (there were ups and downs but she stuck at it and the school, on the whole was great for her in lower school) but we always gave her a get out clause.

 

You might need to investigate what notice periods need to be given and the availability of places in your local schools.

[glissade]

4 hours ago, Whiteduvet said:

Thank you. I’ve just had him (illicitly) on the phone again in tears. He wants to leave but is scared of making the wrong decision. His heart isn’t in dancing: to be honest I never quite believed he wanted it as a career but was happy to be proven wrong and he was so keen to go. 
 

We could stretch to private if we had to which I guess is something. I will speak to his house mistress today and get her view too. Maybe it’ll settle but it feels like if the basic reason for being there is no longer there, then the school will never fit.  

@Whiteduvet In my own experience, gut feelings I've had in similar circumstances about my children have usually turned out to be reliable - I think parents are possibly able to tune into non-verbal cues when things just don't seem to add up, so it isn't such a surprise when everything seems to take a u-turn. I'd also just add that 11 years old is really 11 years still-very-young .... 

Edited November 9, 2021 by glissade

[FlexyNexy]

My heart goes to you. My DD left home to go oversees when she was 15 (living on her own as she refused to go to the student accommodation) and I can tell you we had tears on the phone. It was not so much home sickness, but the poverty and conditions she came to. I always assured her that to leave is always an option, but she has to also realise the commitment we have made. At least until the end of the school year so it would give me enough time to look for plan B. 
Writing diary helped and planned video calls. I never encouraged too regular talks, but something she could look forward to. I noticed that Sundays were the worse because she did not have school. 

I just worry that Christmas will not help you in this situation and will add to the emotionally charged feelings he might have. When my DD came home, the hardest time was for her to leave after Christmas and New Year. Not so much summer!

Follow your gut feelings, they are usually right. When he comes back for Christmas, you will not exactly what has caused this u-turn. 

[Pups_mum]

I'm so sorry to hear this. It must be very difficult. I've no personal experience, but I have heard lots of people say that their children get unsettled at boarding school after holidays. Come to think of it, I remember being pretty miserable in my second term of University and I had had a whale of a time in the first term and was of course a lot older. I think there's a combination of the novelty and excitement of the beginning wearing off and  the enjoyment of a holiday at home, which of course tends to be something of an idealised version of home. So it may just be a blip.

But he is only eleven, and living away from home is a huge change which just isn't right for some children. The difficulty is telling the difference of course and I'm not sure there is an infallible way of doing that. Obviously you don't want your DS to be unhappy but nor do you want him to rush into a decision which he later regrets.

I think the key thing is to listen to him and make sure he knows that you're taking his feelings seriously, but if you are confident he isn't at risk of harm, I think I'd be inclined to play for a bit of time. Talk to the school - he wont be the first or last to experience this and I would expect them to be able to offer support and advice. (If they don't, that maybe helps your decision too, in a different way!)

Also use the time to look at alternatives. He is going to have to be educated somewhere if he comes home, be it a state school, independent school or at home, so you all need to consider your options. It's a tough situation for one so young, but your DS needs to think about where he does want to be, not just where he doesn't want to be, and as a PP mentioned, unfortunately coming hime and slotting back into the old routine may not be possible. So I think deferring the decision til you have some more options on the table would be good if possible. Being told that leaving is a real option and having some sense of control over the situation may alter how your DS feels and bring some clarity to the situation.

It's also worth remembering that there are many routes to Rome. After the excitement of gaining a place it must be scary to walk away, for fear of burning bridges, and there will be some difficulties in returning home , dealing with people's questions etc I'm sure. But if this forum shows anything, it us that "success" can come in many, many different forms and that there are many ways to achieve it. Leaving now doesn't preclude reapplying in the future or trying a different route. If he does still want a dance career, stepping off the roller coaster right now doesn't have to be the career ending decision some people speak of it as. And of course there is nothing wrong with recognising that a dance career is not what you really want. It can still be a fabulous hobby alongside other things and that's absolutely fine.

So I'd try to create some breathing space if you feel it's safe to do so. (Obviously if you have any safety concerns it's different.) But listen to your gut feelings. It is very easy to get caught up in other people's expectations as a ballet parent but try shut that all out and centre your child and your family. I'm sure you will make the right decisions between you.

[Danceonthrough]

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I read through your post and I feel like your answer is there. Go with your own instincts as his mother as you know him better than anyone else. Childhood is short and time is precious. Every child deserves to look back and remember feeling happy. For some that will be the amazing time they had at ballet school but for others that could be that they were supported to find new ( just as amazing) dreams. I wonder how many lives have been saved by people who started out as ballet dancers but changed paths along the way? Your little boy has a whole world to explore with your guidance. Sending you both best wishes xx

[SissonneDoublee]

8 hours ago, Anna C said:

Just wondering if the school has a qualified Counsellor?  An impartial person for your DS to talk to might help clarify whether this is post-half term blues that will pass in the run up to Christmas, whether it’s this particular school that’s a wrong fit, or whether full-time training is not for him, either now or in future.  I’m assuming that if he came home before the end of term, he wouldn’t be able to walk straight into academic school, so if there’s no bullying or similar issues, logistically it may be better to see the term through if he can.  Leaving and then being stuck at home with no academic classes might turn out to be worse than staying for the next few weeks.

An in-year transfer into a state school can happen almost overnight. In the first instance, it will be to a school where there is space, but this could potentially be an interim school until a space becomes available in your chosen school. When the place is offered, you do then need to take it up quite quickly, or it will then be passed to whoever is next in the waiting list.
Waiting lists run in order if who best meets the criteria, so they are not first come, first served. If you are the most eligible person for a space in a school, you will be offered the next space, regardless of when you joined the waiting list.

[Balletmummy18]

You know your son best and trust your  own instinct and how he feels .  When my dd was extremely miserable , homesick and unhappy in yr 7( the extent of her bullying by a teacher hadn’t been revealed) we were given much conflicting advice re homesickness etc  In our case ,I Ignored my gut instinct about the school etc and she stayed (and indeed enjoyed year 8- )however it’s a decision  that we all bitterly regret now .

 

[Anna C]

4 hours ago, SissonneDoublee said:

An in-year transfer into a state school can happen almost overnight. In the first instance, it will be to a school where there is space, but this could potentially be an interim school until a space becomes available in your chosen school. When the place is offered, you do then need to take it up quite quickly, or it will then be passed to whoever is next in the waiting list.
Waiting lists run in order if who best meets the criteria, so they are not first come, first served. If you are the most eligible person for a space in a school, you will be offered the next space, regardless of when you joined the waiting list.

 

Ah, thanks, SD, that’s interesting and good to know.  Fortunately, when dd left full-time training, she was able to rejoin her old Academic school with no application process, because she was going into 6th form.  I had imagined that a mid-year transfer into Year 7 at a new school would be more complicated and take longer.

 

8 hours ago, Pups_mum said:

It's a tough situation for one so young, but your DS needs to think about where he does want to be, not just where he doesn't want to be, and as a PP mentioned, unfortunately coming hime and slotting back into the old routine may not be possible. So I think deferring the decision til you have some more options on the table would be good if possible. Being told that leaving is a real option and having some sense of control over the situation may alter how your DS feels and bring some clarity to the situation. 

 

Such good advice, and I said almost exactly this to my dd, who has struggled terribly with coping with returning to uni after being away for 18 months (COVID + “year” abroad).  We had tears most days for the first few weeks and talked about the upsides but also the downsides of coming home and going back next year.  She said afterwards that just knowing it was an option was enough, because having the choice meant having control.  But it was definitely helpful for her to consider the downsides of coming home, because it helped her make the decision to stay; the longer-term downsides outweighing the short term relief of “escaping” back home.

 

I think if your ds can talk it through with a Counsellor, weighing up the pros and cons of leaving, getting some clarity and knowing what his options are - while you talk to the school and also find out about school places so you have all the info - will help to get things straight in all your minds about the best next step. 

[NJH]

13 hours ago, Whiteduvet said:

Thank you. I’ve just had him (illicitly) on the phone again in tears. He wants to leave but is scared of making the wrong decision. His heart isn’t in dancing: to be honest I never quite believed he wanted it as a career but was happy to be proven wrong and he was so keen to go. 
 

We could stretch to private if we had to which I guess is something. I will speak to his house mistress today and get her view too. Maybe it’ll settle but it feels like if the basic reason for being there is no longer there, then the school will never fit.  

 there's a young man  in West Yorkshire who is a year 8  now, he went to ?elmhurst? last year and decided to withdraw - fortunately he's  able to dance with AoNB CAT ... but he doeswant a career

if the young man in the OP is adamant he does not want a career in ballet , then coming away may well be the best option, he can still dance for fun and  there are always options at 14 and 16  or  one of the more numerous contemporary orientated CATs ( which still have good ballet tuition ) 

[Kanangra]

While I feel for him being away from home at such a young age, I feel it is very early days to be making a decision, especially as he was enjoying it prior to coming home for half term (which is I think only a couple of weeks ago?). I would not be making any decisions without consulting the school and/or a counsellor. 

[Robinredbreast]

Sorry for the delay in replying. Busy day yesterday. 
 

thank you all so much for your thoughts and experiences. Truly valued. This parenting thing is hard. 
 

I spoke with him last night and it had been a better day but he’s very confused. With one breath he’s saying he wants to leave, with another he’s saying it’s ok, there’s are good things too. He’s desperate for me to visit this weekend.

 

I’m 99% certain that he needs to leave the school. If he doesn’t want to train vocationally there is no reason to be there, ultimately. The question is therefore when. 
 

the advice on schools is v helpful. I’ll be calling around today. Ditto the advice to see a counsellor: I think that has to happen-so we can all be sure it’s the right decision. How do you make a decision?-silly question maybe but a biggy. And the advice too to play for time is useful: he’s not in immediate danger so there’s no need to swoop in today. I think we must take a bit of time to be sure of what we’re doing, how and when. 

[Dancing unicorn]

I think for a start, you’re going to have to give e a terms notice anyway! So maybe during that time things could improve and also with the big Christmas production coming up (I’m guessing which school this is!) that might lift his spirits with all the excitement of that! On the down side. with all the long rehearsal days they are going to be so tired and emotional, that certainly isn’t going to help him. 

 

If it were me, I would be visiting at the weekend, even if only to take him for tea! It’s so hard I know! At the worst time in my dds first school we would drive for 6 hours on a Sunday, every Sunday, just to take her for tea, it helped her get thru the week. She had no one in the school to talk to, not even staff would listen, so just having that contact with home helped her thru it.

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Dancing unicorn

[Pas de Quatre]

Another area you could check is whether your son is getting enough sleep.  Being overtired can make any child miserable.  Many years ago when DD did her first 10 day residential summer school between Yr 6 & 7, we dropped her off happily on the Saturday but then received a very weepy phone call late evening a couple of days later.  She wanted us to fetch her immediately.  We said that was totally impossible (several hours' drive), she would have to stay the night and we would talk in the morning.  We could hear the absolute riot going on in the background and asked to speak to the House mother.  She came to the phone and admitted that things had got out of hand and suggested she put DD in the sick room overnight.  So after a good night's sleep DD decided to give it a few more days, and ended up loving it and going back several times.

 

A similar thing happened in 6th Vocational, some "party girls" would creep out of their own room and visit their friends keeping the others awake half the night.  This made the first term very difficult and was only resolved when they did a complete reshuffle of the room sharing after Christmas holidays.

[taxi4ballet]

3 hours ago, Robinredbreast said:

Sorry for the delay in replying. Busy day yesterday. 
 

thank you all so much for your thoughts and experiences. Truly valued. This parenting thing is hard. 
 

I spoke with him last night and it had been a better day but he’s very confused. With one breath he’s saying he wants to leave, with another he’s saying it’s ok, there’s are good things too. He’s desperate for me to visit this weekend.

 

I’m 99% certain that he needs to leave the school. If he doesn’t want to train vocationally there is no reason to be there, ultimately. The question is therefore when. 
 

the advice on schools is v helpful. I’ll be calling around today. Ditto the advice to see a counsellor: I think that has to happen-so we can all be sure it’s the right decision. How do you make a decision?-silly question maybe but a biggy. And the advice too to play for time is useful: he’s not in immediate danger so there’s no need to swoop in today. I think we must take a bit of time to be sure of what we’re doing, how and when. 

Having read your update, I do wonder whether it is a combination of factors at play here, and that maybe he is worried you will be disappointed in him if he 'gives up' so soon. 

Maybe reassure him that he has choices and it is totally normal to be confused when faced with a big decision. He can leave any time he wants to (right now if necessary), he can finish this term and wait until the Christmas holidays to decide, he can go back in the new year or he can finish then. Whatever he decides, you will support him no matter what.

 

My dd had a massive crisis during the Christmas break of her second year in upper school and really didn't want to go back, so I do have an understanding of what it's like to be a parent in this situation - although of course she was much older at the time. She did ultimately decide to return, but an injury forced her hand in the end anyway.

[Anon2]

My Dd had many unhappy times at vocational school and we were always having the conversation about leaving and it being her choice. She’d often seem to be on the brink of making the decision and then say ‘oh it’s not that bad’ and opt to stay for the cycle to repeat itself in an ever exhausting manner. I wish we’d never given her the option but made the decision to remove her.
Very recently she told me the kids on MDS were constantly being told how they couldn’t just leave because the parents would have to pay the whole years full fees - she knew that would be a huge struggle for us. It breaks my heart to think if they hadn’t said that she would have come home sooner. 
@Robinredbreast good luck with making the correct decision for your family 

[Lifeafterballet]

1 hour ago, Jane said:

My Dd had many unhappy times at vocational school and we were always having the conversation about leaving and it being her choice. She’d often seem to be on the brink of making the decision and then say ‘oh it’s not that bad’ and opt to stay for the cycle to repeat itself in an ever exhausting manner. I wish we’d never given her the option but made the decision to remove her.
Very recently she told me the kids on MDS were constantly being told how they couldn’t just leave because the parents would have to pay the whole years full fees - she knew that would be a huge struggle for us. It breaks my heart to think if they hadn’t said that she would have come home sooner. 
@Robinredbreast good luck with making the correct decision for your family 

Sadly, this was our 8 year experience too 😞, a repetitive cycle of sadness. 
I too wish that we had never started on that pathway or had been able to break the addiction or dependency earlier before it became all that Dd identified as or believed she was. There are a lot of very unhappy children in vocational schools. Eleven, in our experience, is far too young to go away. It seems like a fantastic opportunity at the time and you all get swept along in the madness. When the unhappiness starts you are all so absorbed by ballet/the school and fearful of what you are losing that you can easily both find excuses for incredibly awful situations. If I had only really listened to our family and non ballet friends advice then Dd would not have endured all those years. But you look for support in those who are in your world and in the same environment and that makes it all a bit foggy. My work colleagues, not a clue about ballet or vocational schools, were fabulous. Looking back their advice, that I completely ignored, was so right. They could see it how it really was and were putting my Dds welfare before her career. But sadly by then none of us could let it go.

My advice would be to go with your heart and gut. Listen to your Ds but ultimately you are the adult and have to make that decision. Ballet isn’t the be all and end all. My Ds went on to be a professional ballet dancer, he didn’t start vocational school til he was 17, and my dd is now at University after finally choosing to stop after securing a ballet contract post graduation. It was the best decision she ever made 😊 A little late in the day but she is dealing with the demons amazingly and experiencing all those things she missed out on since 11. Being gifted and talented isn’t always what it is cracked up to be. Happiness first 😃

[balletbean]

11 hours ago, Robinredbreast said:

Sorry for the delay in replying. Busy day yesterday. 
 

thank you all so much for your thoughts and experiences. Truly valued. This parenting thing is hard. 
 

I spoke with him last night and it had been a better day but he’s very confused. With one breath he’s saying he wants to leave, with another he’s saying it’s ok, there’s are good things too. He’s desperate for me to visit this weekend.

 

I’m 99% certain that he needs to leave the school. If he doesn’t want to train vocationally there is no reason to be there, ultimately. The question is therefore when. 
 

the advice on schools is v helpful. I’ll be calling around today. Ditto the advice to see a counsellor: I think that has to happen-so we can all be sure it’s the right decision. How do you make a decision?-silly question maybe but a biggy. And the advice too to play for time is useful: he’s not in immediate danger so there’s no need to swoop in today. I think we must take a bit of time to be sure of what we’re doing, how and when. 

So sorry to hear your dilemma. 
Just thinking outside the box slightly. Is your DS in dormitory type accommodation/shared bathrooms.  Is the room too bright, too dark, too hot, too cold, bed too soft etc. The reason why I ask is that returning home to their own room and bed then being able to shut the door and be on their own can be a reality check from what they’ve missed but didn’t realise at the time. Lack of sleep can exacerbate any other situation and increase all our emotions. As adults we can be reduced to an emotional meltdown through lack of sleep . You maybe able to approach it from that angle before focusing on the potential falling out of love with ballet.   
Good Luck. 

Edited November 10, 2021 by balletbean

[HopelessMummy]

Oh my word. What a tough time you and your DS must be going through. Best of luck with finding him a school, perhaps one where his friends from primary were at will help resettle him. Can't offer any real advice other than to make sure the transition is as painless as possible. Wishing you all the best x

[NotadanceMa]

For me if your son is desperately unhappy and more importantly if dance isn’t where he wants his focus to be at the moment, then if it were me I would be planning to take him out.

Ask him about schools, involve him in the process, ask him about dance, does he want to do this along side school etc would he like a break for a while?

Boarding school is not for every child, it is a very particular environment, it would not have been for me at all; my child started vocational school this year but they are 2 yrs older and it has been a culture shock. There was no way they were ready at Y7 or Y8 despite auditioning with offers for both years. They were just too young. I still have reservations that it is the right place for them, however they are happy now and doing well, but I am aware that could all change.

Before my child went we always said that if they were unhappy beyond homesickness and decided that this was not the place for them whatever the reasons then they could leave. They went in knowing that.
Even though it may only be seven weeks into the term, seven weeks can feel like seven years to a child who is unhappy. 
It sounds like you are planning to take him out and I think FWIW that sounds like the right decision. 

 

Dance has many paths and other options all the way along until Upper School and even beyond this. 

[Robinredbreast]

Hello. Thank you again for all of your kind words and advice. There is a huge amount to ponder and reading about your personal experiences has been really helpful. 

 

I have no particular desire for DS to become a ballet dancer: there is no pushing from either my husband or myself in that respect. If that is the path he chooses, wonderful, but if not, wonderful: there are so many other options in life. So I honestly don't think he feels pressure from us. We have repeatedly told him that we would never see this as a 'mistake' or a 'wrong choice', since he will have learnt so much from it and had many great experiences (despite his current unhappiness). So I'm hopeful that he feels able to make a free choice either way. 

 

Assuming he continues to not want to dance professionally, then there is no reason for him to remain at vocational school. I can justify having him away at boarding school if dancing is his dream, but if it's not, I want him home. So we are just thinking through the best timings for this, taking all the different aspects into account. But unless he has a huge change of heart, it is a question of when and how, rather than if. It needs to be managed in a sensible way. 

[AmandaBallet]

Hello, you've had a lot of great advice and insight from people and I would just like to add an additional thing to consider about how/why he has come to the conclusion after 7 weeks that his dream is no longer to dance as it presumably was previously. I'm sure you have already explored this with him but I know as a child I was hugely confidence-driven and when I went from the position of being one of the best at something on a relatively local level (not ballet I might add!) to being put in a position where I was now "average" amongst others I found it hugely difficult to deal with - my belief in my ability plummeted (and my enjoyment therefore followed). My natural instinct was to quit because I suddenly realised that I might not be as good as I thought I was and really found it hard to deal with not being "the best". Of course that wasn't what I articulated at the time - I too told people I just didn't want to do it any more... That may not be the case for your DS of course, just thought it was worth considering...

[NJH]

1 hour ago, AmandaBallet said:

Hello, you've had a lot of great advice and insight from people and I would just like to add an additional thing to consider about how/why he has come to the conclusion after 7 weeks that his dream is no longer to dance as it presumably was previously. I'm sure you have already explored this with him but I know as a child I was hugely confidence-driven and when I went from the position of being one of the best at something on a relatively local level (not ballet I might add!) to being put in a position where I was now "average" amongst others I found it hugely difficult to deal with - my belief in my ability plummeted (and my enjoyment therefore followed). My natural instinct was to quit because I suddenly realised that I might not be as good as I thought I was and really found it hard to deal with not being "the best". Of course that wasn't what I articulated at the time - I too told people I just didn't want to do it any more... That may not be the case for your DS of course, just thought it was worth considering...

there is   that ot consider ... 

on top of the fact  you've gone from being a big fish in a small pond at your primary school to being a very small fish in a bigger pond ( although  vocational schools  aren;t  facing their Y7 with being in a year of 150 -300  students like many state secondaries)

[Boysdoballet2]

On 09/11/2021 at 05:26, Robinredbreast said:

Would be grateful for advice.

 

DS is at vocational school in England. Year 7. He seemed to really enjoy the first half term but this half term is a totally different story. Tears every night, asking to come home. 
 

He no longer wants to dance as a career. Being there full time has made that clear to him. The dance classes are therefore fun but too long and obviously the commitment to focus and work hard every day isn’t there. He finds the academic side of things frustrating, since there’s not as much time for them as he’d like. He misses home dreadfully. He has friends but nobody close so often feels lonely I think. We can’t get to visit him weekly for various reasons which is also hard: we have family nearby but he wants us. 
 

There’s nothing “bad” going on: no bullying, abuse etc. I’ve asked repeatedly and believe him. It’s just not the right school for him.

 

Any advice? Do we make him complete the year? Pull him out straight away? If he were older I think there’s a strong argument for seeing through a commitment but he’s only 11 and I worry about psychological harm if we leave him: but maybe that’s just me panicking….? Maybe he could enjoy the rest of the year somehow and then leave before year 8? Maybe we should give up the place for someone who really wants it? He has performance commitments this Christmas: he says he doesn’t mind not performing but surely he can’t let everyone down? 

Good morning 

my DS went to Elmhurst last year in year 7. He loved the school and the dance, but after a year of upset with lockdowns and the school unable to support his additional needs. Severe dyslexia and adhd we left. He misses it like mad and hates his new local school. But he is home happy and now dancing full time again at AONB. Do not leave him there if he is not happy, sort out a new school for him to start in January let him leave on a high after Christmas shows. And go back to his local dance school, the last thing you want is for him to fall out of love with dance completely. They are so young when they move away my son turned 11 in the August and moved out in September, they don’t quite know what they want but they have given ballet school a try, they have not failed or they definitely have not disappointed anyone. As long as he knows this he will be happy to come home. So many people leave 3 left Elmhurst last year, WL was 2 I believe that’s just y7 it’s really common.