Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Just wondered on how you & your children deal with feeling a bit out of things. Dd loves her school but it is hard for her as she misses out on so much socially. There are often times when info isn't passed on or her facebook wall is full of some great social event/party that as a non boarder she wasn't invited too. I guess it must be an issue at all boarding schools, not just vocational ones. Do day students miss out socially? The last time she tried for example to go shopping with the others on a Saturday it all fell through because of a trip so she went alone & she hasn't been invited since. Edited June 14, 2015 by Picturesinthefirelight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legseleven Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 That must be very difficult for your DD - and for you to watch it happening. Are the staff able to help at all by ensuring that all pupils are informed of social events? Is there any possibility that she could perhaps stay in the boarding houses occasionally at the weekend (I realise there may be no capacity for an extra bed) so that she is there 'on the spot' to join in with social activities? We have friends whose children are boarders and they suggested the above as they are steps their children's school takes to try to ensure that day pupils are as involved as boarders wherever possible. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 We asked/complained last year about a couple of big events (Xmas & summer parties) but were told that only boarders were allowed to attend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lifeafterballet Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 That's very sad ???? At Dds school the day pupils are included in all the activities. As are the non residents at the summer schools. A majority of Dds year group go home every weekend so trips etc are mostly attended by the ones that can't ! No child should be left out whether they are boarding or not. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legseleven Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 That puzzles me as surely day students are as much part of the school, esecially for events such as Christmas and summer parties, as the boarders? Very divisive to treat boarders and day students so differently and surely not in the best interests of any student? Is this an edict from the senior staff or from individual housemothers? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harwel Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Oh that makes me feel very sad on your DD's behalf pictures. I am sure it can be very difficult for day pupils in this environment and would expect the school to be as inclusive as possible, even if there was a small cost involved in certain circumstances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legseleven Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Do you live close enough to school to invite DD's friends to spend a weekend or an evening with her at home? I don't know what the school's attitude would be but assume that as with our friends, the boarders' parents need to give written permission for them to spend time at your home with your DD. I know that the boarders enjoy escaping from school into a home environment when they visit our friends as guests of their children. Perhaps that would lead on to invitations from the boarders to your DD to join them in their weekend activities? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 As it happens yesterday/last night we had a lovely time meeting Katymac & her lovely daughter. The girls got on so well despite the age difference. But yes, it's hard. She has no friends at home as they have all moved on. It seems there is very little we can do, rules are rules I guess but I just wondered how others managed. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 We live around 45 miles away so it's not really feasible to invite friends home & to be honest she's not the most popular/sociable of children although she is trying hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Oh Pictures,my heart goes out to your daughter. I don`t know what age your daughter is,and it may sound drastic,but I don`t suppose she could audition for a different vocational school that might have a more inclusive approach to their day pupils? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 She's 13 & this school is the only one financially & logistically distance wise possible. She'll be fine I'm sure. She's been called a loner a few times & I guess she is in many ways. But she's singke minded, knows what she wants & how hard she has to work to get it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiz Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Pictures, I think the school is being unnecessarily unkind. Your poor dd! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahw Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I'm sorry to hear that pictures, how upsetting. Have you spoken to any other day pupils parents? I know they won't necessarily live near you but maybe you could join up to petition the school? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 No, I'm not in contact with any of them only parents of boarders. Dd doesn't want to make a fuss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pas de Quatre Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Why don't you see if you could find someway of contacting other day pupil parents. Perhaps dd could ask other day pupils through fb. Then you could all network and set up some alternative activities if they are excluded from those for boarders. I agree with the comments above, that is an awful thing for a school to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 It's complicated & I can't really say why without identifying specific things for a handful of children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 But I have asked dd if there is a friend/group of friends she'd like to take out to lunch after prize giving next week but she thinks that most people have made other arrangements. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aileen Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I find it pathetic that day pupils are excluded from school events such as Christmas and summer parties. It's almost as if day pupils are being punished for not boarding. Social arrangements made between individual pupils such as shopping trips are a different matter as they don't really have much to do with the school. It must be very upsetting for both you and your DD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 I'm sure the school have good & valid reasons & it's nice that they put these things on for children who are so far away from home. The boarders must bond more, it's only natural, they are living together as a family & perhaps they see these events as their events & don't want non boarders involved. It isn't the first time & won't be the last- she just has to get on with it & decide whether these sacrificed are worth the opportunity she has been given I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahw Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Do you think they could go to some of these events if you paid? Are there many day vocational students at Hammond or does it tend to be academic students? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Day students tend mostly to be drama or music students. I think there are usually 1 or 2 boys & 1 or 2 girl dance day students in each year group. Drama & music students do shorter hours & no Saturday school so I imagine there is more time to maintain friendships out of school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harwel Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I was amazed how many day pupils there are at DS school and I wonder whether that makes for an easier mix. There often seem to be messages about things going on which day pupils can get involved in with prior arrangement. However, not having a day student I don't know how they feel on the other side, it might not be as good as it sounds. There are obviously pros and cons on both sides, but I do think that the school needs to make a big effort with integration for day pupils as I'm sure they could feel very left out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Many years ago when my daughter did her first year at Hammond yr7. The house staff invited her for a few sleep overs, and I know she would have been welcomed at any boarding house events. Her cousin was a boarder at the time. Perhaps staff and rules were very different back then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon2 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 If they are in house events could it be that the insurance and child protection issues/ratios are putting a halt to having non boarders attend? Is it worth a quiet word with head of pastoral care to explain how your dd is feeling at the moment? Because my dd is considered 'quiet and mature' it always seems a shock to staff when I have raised issues that I didn't feel could ignore any longer or leave her to work through herself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Well unfortunately things seem to have gone from bad to worse. Going to have to have a massive think about how to proceed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pups_mum Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 So sorry to hear this Pictures. We've had some issues with my son moving up to (ordinary) secondary school this year, but fortunately the staff have been very good and he seems to be really enjoying it now. I know how horrid it is to see your child miserable though - I hope that you find a solution and that your DD feels happier very soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legseleven Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Oh Pictures, how awful for you and your DD. I really hope this can be sorted out for her; no student should be left to feel left out when the solution should surely be simple. I know you said your DD's teachers had been very understanding about her health and the uniform she may wear for class - and I am keeping everything crossed for her that they will be equally understanding and proactive in making sure that she feels included. Sending you both virtual hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2dancersmum Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Pictures - I do hope you get this sorted out and quickly for your DD. Pastoral care is there for everyone so I do think you need to have a chat. I presume when your DD is not included it must be for events taking place at the actual boarding houses and not in school. I am pretty sure that they are full to capacity and have been for a couple of years now - not actually affecting us but I have seen the 'letters to parents' and I wonder if as Jane commented some of it is down to adult/child ratios and insurance etc. But it does seem unfair if it is excluding only one or two children from a year group. Obviously for trips there are limits on numbers and boarders would get preference - they are arranged to help children keep busy and not homesick after all -but there should not be a blanket 'no' to other pupils. In all of this though you do have to be mindful that you are talking about 12/13 year olds and that is a difficult age. It maybe that others simply forget to ask your DD - and if she queries a lack of invite/knowledge about something cover it up with a 'its not allowed', or that it is deliberate by one or more child. Yet it is not always that simple - if a child feels left out they can often feel uncertain about asking others to join them to do things as perhaps subconsciously they are expecting a rejection so it is easier to just not ask. Its a bit of a vicious circle. I think school does need to be made aware of how your DD is feeling and a check made that there is not something going on that your DD is not talking about. I think you should persevere with the asking friends to join your DD in activities too. I know it is not easy, especially since you do not pick up from school - but maybe the odd Friday night she can go for a meal/cinema/bowling straight from school with a few friends. It may be that your DD needs a little help to arrange this if it has to go via housemothers and parents for permission but it will help keep that ice broken. Remember also that circumstances will change again in September as numbers and helpers in the boarding houses change and that as the children grow up they do mature also. But I wish you and your DD all the best in the meantime 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 The photos seem to be at the school itself, I recognise the dining hall & corridors & it is a school rule it seems. The drama students apparently get their own end of drama production party & the boarders get a christmas & summer leavers party. Something happened today which has really brought things to a head & we need to do some major thinking b But thank you everyone for your support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahw Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 How awful for you. Really sorry x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pas de chat Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 We asked/complained last year about a couple of big events (Xmas & summer parties) but were told that only boarders were allowed to attend. That is just unfair! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billyelliott Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 One of my DS classmates lived close to the school and started off as a day pupil but felt so out of things that he became a weekly boarder ....probably not an option for u but just to say I know it can be very hard not feeling included ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 One day when we win the lottery (better start plsyingvitvingurss!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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