Tears of a Ballet Mum by Sabine Naghdi

[Sim]

I don't read this area of the forum too often, but reading recent threads about successful and unsuccessful auditions, students being assessed out, students who can't cope with the pressure of a dance career, made me want to post up.

 

I have recently read 'Tears of a Ballet Mum' by Sabine Naghdi, mother of Royal Ballet Principal dancer Yasmine Naghdi.  I would really recommend any parent whose child wants a dance career to read this first.  Not to put you off, but just to really get down to the details of how difficult it can be, and how much commitment and mental strength both the student and their family need to have.  I get the feeling that many parents don't realise how it all gets much more difficult the further their child gets...and how could they know until it happens?  The Naghdi family found themselves in this position as their daughter climbed further and further up the ballet tree....it was a journey into the unknown that they all had to navigate together.  It was sometimes smooth, sometimes choppy, but they arrived in the end...although it is a journey that never ends, even if your child reaches the top.

 

The book describes, in honest detail, all the ups and downs, trials and tribulations of pursuing a professional ballet career, from the first teetering steps as a toddler to being promoted to the pinnacle of any dancer's career.  I really like the way the book doesn't only concentrate on the dancer, but also on how having a dedicated dance student in the house affects the whole family.  Sabine Naghdi is very open and honest about this, as is the younger Naghdi sister, Tatiana.  It is often easy for a sibling to feel overlooked, or like their dancing sibling is getting all the attention.  Both Sabine and her two daughters are very honest about this. 

 

I don't have a dancing child, but I can see how this book would help any parent whose child is serious about pursuing a professional ballet career, with all its joys (promotion through the Royal Ballet School, and then the Company) and all its heartbreaks (injuries, rejection, bullying, etc.).  Indeed, the tears in the title refer to the mother's tears of pain (seeing her child in distress, mental and physical) and tears of joy (seeing her child debut on the ROH stage as Odette/Odile). Highly recommended.

[Neverdancedjustamum]

I too found this book a very good read. I must admit it was quite pricey but the autographed copy they had on display at Bloch proved to be too tempting to refuse on a Saturday in Covent Garden when I forgot my Kindle and had 2 hours to kill. 
 

It focused on her viewpoint as a mum but contained all the bits that no doubt other mums would be interested in - that is, Yasmine’s dance journey to principal. 
 

However, a few things came to mind as I read this book:

- this is written from the view point of someone whose child “made it”. Which is fair because I guess books written by a mum whose DC didn’t make it wouldn’t sell.  So in a way, those tears ended in triumph. It is a story that provides inspiration and aspiration. Like a movie almost but one must keep in mind that her story is likely to be the exception. 

- I often wondered how the author had the time to do proper research and explore things related to dancing, from history to nutrition, etc. I barely have enough time in the day to squeeze in work, spend time with kids, do house chores etc. 

- It is evident that they had the means to support a well rounded dance education from the start. They were London-based so it was easy to travel to and from school. I believe the children were privately educated even prior to one of them entering WL. The book mentions a trip to Prague for summer school and last minute flights overseas. This is not financially viable for a lot of dance families. 
 

The above points don’t deter from the fact that it is a good and entertaining read. It appears to be well researched and well written. I’ve already passed on my copy to a friend.  I must admit this is the first and only dance-related book I have read. 

[capybara]

56 minutes ago, Neverdancedjustamum said:

I often wondered how the author had the time to do proper research and explore things related to dancing, from history to nutrition, etc. I barely have enough time in the day to squeeze in work, spend time with kids, do house chores etc. 

 

I remember a Friends visit to White Lodge when the author was working there.

[Lifeafterballet]

Aghhh it’s £30 😳

[Neverdancedjustamum]

7 minutes ago, cotes du rhone ! said:

Aghhh it’s £30 😳

I know 😪 it was a moment of madness. I could have bought about 4 paperback books at Waterstone’s. Determined to lend it out to as many people as possible for that price…

[Rob S]

I'm reading it at the moment, young Yasmine has just had a bit of a tantrum and so her mum has to deal with that 😄

 

I got my double signed copy in the ROH shop, they eventually started selling it much to my relief.

[Kerfuffle]

I read this too at Christmas time (a present). I thought it was interesting the way that Yasmine’s mum on one hand seemed reluctant for her to do dance (wanted her to take an academic route) and on the other initiated her JA audition in spite of the teacher having chosen other children. She is also the one who encouraged her to stick it out while  having a very hard year later on in upper school. I imagine that Yasmine would have been driven whatever her career was, though! I think she captures how some of the feelings of a child who wants something very badly can be at odds at times and have misunderstandings even with a very supportive parent.  One of the lessons is that the most obvious way in doesn’t happen always as you’d predict, even for someone with a lot of potential (her rejection from WL in year 6). It does feel like the ballet world has got more competitive since Yasmine was growing up - half her JA class made it to WL and of this several are principals now in RB. I would expect that that would be unlikely to happen now. As mentioned above she came from a privileged London background so had fewer obstacles than many children. 

[Lifeafterballet]

14 minutes ago, Neverdancedjustamum said:

I know 😪 it was a moment of madness. I could have bought about 4 paperback books at Waterstone’s. Determined to lend it out to as many people as possible for that price…

My husband would kill me if I spent £30 on a book about ballet having spent over the best part of £100,00 on it 🤣

[Neverdancedjustamum]

13 minutes ago, cotes du rhone ! said:

My husband would kill me if I spent £30 on a book about ballet having spent over the best part of £100,00 on it 🤣

I reckon mine would as well - he doesn’t even know how much leotards cost 🤫

[Sim]

Interesting that the 'privileged Londoner' aspect didn't even occur to me.  What came across to me was the emotional turmoil of the journey, and a mother's love, pain and dedication....and those of her daughter.  It was those emotions that got to me...and those emotions and struggles are experienced by any human being, whether financially privileged or not.  Having money or 'privilege' does not stop one from getting injured, or bullied, or rejected, and that is what this book makes clear.  Any ballet student can be subjected to these things, and indeed are.  But I hope things have improved in the past decade or so.  

[The red shoes]

1 hour ago, Sim said:

Interesting that the 'privileged Londoner' aspect didn't even occur to me.  What came across to me was the emotional turmoil of the journey, and a mother's love, pain and dedication....and those of her daughter.  It was those emotions that got to me...and those emotions and struggles are experienced by any human being, whether financially privileged or not.  Having money or 'privilege' does not stop one from getting injured, or bullied, or rejected, and that is what this book makes clear.  Any ballet student can be subjected to these things, and indeed are.  But I hope things have improved in the past decade or so.  

Totally agree with you!! 

[NotadanceMa]

2 hours ago, Sim said:

Interesting that the 'privileged Londoner' aspect didn't even occur to me.  What came across to me was the emotional turmoil of the journey, and a mother's love, pain and dedication....and those of her daughter.  It was those emotions that got to me...and those emotions and struggles are experienced by any human being, whether financially privileged or not.  Having money or 'privilege' does not stop one from getting injured, or bullied, or rejected, and that is what this book makes clear.  Any ballet student can be subjected to these things, and indeed are.  But I hope things have improved in the past decade or so.  

However money and privilege does alter outcomes, create choices, and make other options possible.

£30 kind of reinforces for me the point about money and privilege. Who is the target audience?

 

 

[Jan McNulty]

8 minutes ago, NotadanceMa said:

However money and privilege does alter outcomes, create choices, and make other options possible.

£30 kind of reinforces for me the point about money and privilege. Who is the target audience?

 

 

 

I hate to say it but £30 for a hard back including photographs (coloured or black and white) is about average.  

 

Someone has just posted the book for sale:

 

 

[Sim]

38 minutes ago, NotadanceMa said:

However money and privilege does alter outcomes, create choices, and make other options possible.

£30 kind of reinforces for me the point about money and privilege. Who is the target audience?

 

 

The publisher decides the price.  It has nothing to do with the author.  The publisher also has to go by what the printer charges.  The price of paper has gone up.  The outlets that sell the books also take quite a hefty percentage of the income from the book.  And yes, the price isn’t high for what it is.  
 

Irrespective of background, all students have to audition, they all stand at the same barre in class, they all have to put in the same work, they all sleep in the same dorms, eat the same food, etc. This book is about guiding a child through.  It’s about love, care and dedication.  That doesn’t come from money or privilege.  

[Neverdancedjustamum]

31 minutes ago, NotadanceMa said:

However money and privilege does alter outcomes, create choices, and make other options possible.

£30 kind of reinforces for me the point about money and privilege. Who is the target audience?

 

 

I understand about prices being set and hardcover books being pricier but I’m with you on this one. It was hard for me to part with £30 for a single book. I often buy books on sale on Kindle or those on offer at Waterstone’s. Sometimes I do purchase hard bound books but I don’t recall them being this price unless it’s those bigger coffee table books. But as I said, I don’t really buy a lot of hardcover books. 

[Pas de Quatre]

You can still order any book at your local library. 

[Horsellian]

39 minutes ago, Pas de Quatre said:

You can still order any book at your local library. 

Certainly cheaper than buying but assumes they've got a copy, which my county doesn't seem to. I can't remember how much an interlibrary loan would cost, or how long that would take.

[Kerfuffle]

@Sim I think there are aspects to her story that do demonstrate the advantages of having money/coming from the London area even allowing for the fact that everyone has to audition etc. For a start she was able to live at home during her most difficult years (upper school). Secondly her mother could afford to see top medical help when she was injured (ballet physios are expensive)! Thirdly as mentioned she was able to attend expensive courses abroad and her mother could pay for flights if they needed them. Ballet is a poorly paid profession so to have a comfortably well off family is an advantage. Training is only for free for a small minority. 

[Sim]

31 minutes ago, Kerfuffle said:

@Sim I think there are aspects to her story that do demonstrate the advantages of having money/coming from the London area even allowing for the fact that everyone has to audition etc. For a start she was able to live at home during her most difficult years (upper school). Secondly her mother could afford to see top medical help when she was injured (ballet physios are expensive)! Thirdly as mentioned she was able to attend expensive courses abroad and her mother could pay for flights if they needed them. Ballet is a poorly paid profession so to have a comfortably well off family is an advantage. Training is only for free for a small minority. 

So is most of the student population of the Royal Ballet School from rich, privileged backgrounds?  Wow, I never knew that.  

[Kerfuffle]

Not necessarily, but parents have to contribute to fees from quite a low pay scale so there is a considerable sacrifice for some.  If you’re comfortably well off it obviously relieves the stress. This is a story about the struggle to make it and one of the problems is that ballet training is expensive as well as being mentally/emotionally  challenging at times. That is the point I am making when you questioned the relevance of being privileged - it relieves the burden of financial worry which does help. 

[Neverdancedjustamum]

42 minutes ago, Sim said:

So is most of the student population of the Royal Ballet School from rich, privileged backgrounds?  Wow, I never knew that.  

I suspect this question would raise very interesting discussions.  I think RBS prides itself in funding those in need. The question obviously is whether you need to be from certain means these days to even be offered a place there. Most private schools would release high level stats of how many students receiving some sort of funding (ie “90% of our student body receive funding”) but they won’t go into the granular detail of how much funding that is. For example, the MDS calculator would show that for a household with a total income of £190k a year with one other dependent child, the child going to vocational school would be eligible for approx £1800 MDS grant per annum as a boarder. Am I correct in thinking that this means that student would fall within the % who are “funded” despite being from a £190k income household? Apologies if I misunderstood the calculations but that’s how I see it and could be wrong.  And would a £190k income household be considered privileged?  I certainly know of numerous children who go to full time vocational schools already having attended private schools in the past and having extremely rigorous and extensive training prior to auditioning. I am not sure if this will count as rich and privileged but I highly doubt that it will be equal chances for a WL place between someone from a low-income family who can only afford a couple of ballet classes a week and one who can afford multiple classes, associate schemes, privates, physio, PBT, summer intensives…I would love to be proven wrong but kids in the former  situation I believe would be the exception rather than the norm these days.

Edited July 5, 2022 by Neverdancedjustamum

[Sim]

1 hour ago, Kerfuffle said:

@Sim I think there are aspects to her story that do demonstrate the advantages of having money/coming from the London area even allowing for the fact that everyone has to audition etc. For a start she was able to live at home during her most difficult years (upper school). Secondly her mother could afford to see top medical help when she was injured (ballet physios are expensive)! Thirdly as mentioned she was able to attend expensive courses abroad and her mother could pay for flights if they needed them. Ballet is a poorly paid profession so to have a comfortably well off family is an advantage. Training is only for free for a small minority. 

She actually, according to the book, lived in Baron's Court in Upper School  (with the other students), then in her final year at the RBS lived at their student accommodation in Long Acre.  

 

'Expensive courses abroad'.  Again according to the book, she attended ONE course abroad, in Prague.  I know that that course is very affordable and that students from all income brackets can and do attend.  You can also get flights to Europe for very little cost, since the advent of EasyJet, Ryanair, Wizzair, etc. 

 

'Her mother could afford to see top medical help when she was injured.'  As far as medical bills are concerned, I also know that the RBS has very good medical insurance for its students, that covers injuries (treatment, scans, physio, etc.) so that parents don't have to pay.  Regarding the fees at the RBS, it is means tested so that the lower income families pay very little;  the more you earn, the more you pay.  It's on a sliding scale.  At least, that's how it used to be.  I don't know about now.  I do know that many dancers are certainly not from privileged backgrounds, whether at the RBS or elsewhere.  

 

In any case....all I wanted to do by starting this thread was to recommend a book that I thought would be helpful to parents whose child might be seriously considering a professional career in ballet.  To me, it is about love and dedication and support, and steering the child through the mental and physical challenges of going all the way in ballet.  I didn't mean for it to become a discussion about 'privilege'.  In all walks of life there are always people who will have more than you, and people who have less than you.  But strip all that away, and we all suffer sometimes, and we all experience joy sometimes.  This applies to every human being.  It reminds me of Shylock's famous speech to Antonio in The Merchant of Venice:  'if you prick us do we not bleed?  If you tickle us, do we not laugh?  If you poison us, do we not die?'   Ultimately, we are all human, and we all hurt, bleed, laugh and cry in the same way.

 

I will now lock this thread as it is diverting away from the book, but thank you all for your contributions.  For those of you who do read the book, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  It was a real eye-opener as to what it takes to make it to the top, 'privileged' or not.