Sudden lack of confidence

[Tendu]

Hi, new here and after some advice. My child auditioned for Upper Schools last year. Got to finals of a couple of the big mainly ballet-focused schools (their preferred choice) but didn't get places. Offered places and funding at other dance colleges, which they ultimately didn't want to attend ( just a personal preference, looked like good places). Initially they were keen to audition again this year, but now say they don't want to, mainly through a lack of confidence I think and not wanting to 'fail' again (their words not mine). My feeling is that they should audition again as they seemed to be so close last year. I think they might regret it if they don't try, but naturally I don't want to be that pushy parent and obviously its their decision not mine! They have always been quite good at dusting themselves down and dealing with disappointment in the past, so it feels a bit out of character. Has anyone been in a similar position with their child and what did you do? 

[Jan McNulty]

Hello @Tendu and welcome to the Forum!

[Jan McNulty]

Here's an earlier thread.  The child is younger than yours but there may be useful advice:

 

 

[Farawaydancer]

I’m not sure, I think not wanting to ‘fail’ is a valid reason for avoiding something, especially in an industry where they would be told over and over in auditions that they’ve ‘failed’. Maybe they’ve just decided that dealing with the constant rejection isn’t for them. 
 

I’ve got one dc who has the resilience/temperament to deal with it and another dc who has decided she’d rather try something else where she’s constantly being compared to other people. I’ve absolutely left them to make their own decisions about it, and just made it clear that I’ll support whatever path they choose. 

[Emeralds]

3 hours ago, Tendu said:

Hi, new here and after some advice. My child auditioned for Upper Schools last year. Got to finals of a couple of the big mainly ballet-focused schools (their preferred choice) but didn't get places. Offered places and funding at other dance colleges, which they ultimately didn't want to attend ( just a personal preference, looked like good places). Initially they were keen to audition again this year, but now say they don't want to, mainly through a lack of confidence I think and not wanting to 'fail' again (their words not mine). My feeling is that they should audition again as they seemed to be so close last year. I think they might regret it if they don't try, but naturally I don't want to be that pushy parent and obviously its their decision not mine! They have always been quite good at dusting themselves down and dealing with disappointment in the past, so it feels a bit out of character. Has anyone been in a similar position with their child and what did you do? 

When is the closing date for applying to try again, Tendu? 

 

I suppose it could either be that your child has a) decided that this career path is not for them, or b) auditioning for the schools was exhausting and it can be discouraging to go through the whole round of auditioning again. It is a bit of a “Sliding Doors” moment isn’t it - if you don’t audition again this year, then you wouldn’t be offered a place this year, and then it could be harder to contemplate trying next year, so not auditioning this year de facto becomes drawing to a close any plans or dreams for a career in dance. If you do audition but are constantly discouraged by memories of not getting in last year, you could end up doing worse and knocking your confidence more.

 

However, I think the problem here may not be the fact that the auditions didn’t result in being offered an upper school place, but the idea that not being offered a place is a fail. Many successful artists have been rejected before- even Vadim Muntagirov, one of the Royal Ballet’s biggest stars now, didn’t get offered a job at the Royal Ballet when he graduated! - he got his current position by asking after he had been promoted to principal at English National Ballet and the director at Royal Ballet had changed in the meantime.  Yasmine Naghdi, one of the Royal Ballet’s most popular and acclaimed ballerinas, didn’t get offered a place at White Lodge when she auditioned, and had to try again the following year, when she then got in.

 

It’s also not always that you’re “not good enough”, sometimes audition panels or directors make mistakes or use subjective criteria, then change their minds subsequently, or a different panel makes a different decision the following year.

 

Could it also be that your child was very nervous or tense at the auditions (the “wanting it too much” scenario) and the stress spilled over into the dancing? Attending auditions and learning to manage stress/nerves is often a learning curve in itself. All things happen for a reason, as in the cases of Muntagirov and Naghdi, and it may be to your child’s benefit not to have received an offer last year, giving them extra time to mature and to improve. Often, in auditions, the best way to present yourself at your best is not to care too much about getting in, but just to relax and dance your best. However, to be offered a place one does have to go and audition- to paraphrase the National Lottery, you do have to be in it (the audition) to win it (ie a place). 

 

Maybe it’s worth asking your child whether they want a dance career or to have a career in something else? Besides Naghdi and Muntagirov, it’s also worth reading about other dancers’ experiences (many articles from Pointe and Dance Magazine, two respected ballet industry journals, are available for free online and address topics from auditions to technique). You will know your child better than any of us, and I think eventually it will become clear to both your child and you as to whether your child wants a career in dance. 

Edited October 4, 2023 by Emeralds

[taxi4ballet]

What is the plan B instead of a dance career?

 

My suggestion is to go to a couple of auditions with a "Don't care if I don't get in because I'm planning on doing something else anyway" attitude, and see what happens.

[glowlight]

Ooo - such a tricky one, especially as you and your dc have been moving towards this new round of auditions since the end of the last round, so you are probably as invested in it as they are.

 

My thought is that it HAS to be their decision - if not they will go into it in a half hearted way, they may not get through to the second round, and it will taint the fairly positive memory of last year's achievements, when your dc was in control of their decisions.

 

My dd had many examples of where she was successful in an audition the second time she tried. For her the familiarity the second time around seemed to help her relax. As others have said it is very much about who the panel are, and who else is auditioning at the time, as well as your dc's performance in the audition.

 

Having said that there is also the possibility that it could go the other way, that they might not get through to second round, which might be an even bigger knock to them psychologically.

 

It sounds as if this is a good time to have a conversation about whether they still want a career in ballet. Or maybe in some other form of dance? And what the best way is to achieve that. And if they want to step off the professional training treadmill....well there's nothing wrong with that, and it's probably better to make that choice now rather than  half way through a course that they really didn't want to do.

 

I also wonder if they don't feel quite ready to move away from home yet. If that's the case maybe leaving it another year might be a good idea. It may shut down some options, but open up others.

 

 

 

[Pas de Quatre]

What has your dc been doing for this year, both for academics and for training? Are they half way through A levels or other qualifications? It might be better to continue on the same route for another year and then re-evaluate. 

[Beezie]

Similar experience but at a younger age.  We did one audition knowing the chances were low.  When she wasn’t accepted, my DD used it as confirmation that she wasn’t good enough.

 

In hindsight, her pessimistic response wasn’t from the audition.  I think it was from a school that was too strict, and didn’t provide the kind and supportive feedback under which she thrives.  She internalized the strictness/negativity from her dance classes and then her response to the audition was a manifestation of that.

 

We are now at a much more supportive school, with a teacher that is hard….but more kind and positive with her students.  I am seeing the love of dance and the confidence return to my DD.  I also suspect that this environment is one in which she could audition and better handle the results.  

 

Each child has a unique learning style under which they thrive.  My takeaway was that a school can have excellent teaching and still be a wrong fit…..and that quickly matriculates to poor student confidence (even when not warranted.)
 

We have no unrealistic aspirations with auditions and dance careers.  However, dance is meant to build life-skills.  Being resilient through a failed audition needs to teach more than ‘I’m a failure.’  It needs to teach grit, and the ability to find fulfillment/silver lining in the ‘next best plan.’  I want a teacher/school that can help my child frame that message appropriately.

 

Anyway, perhaps test if your DDs studio is fostering self confidence and enjoyment?  

Honestly, I missed the queues at the old studio.  I’m kicking myself for the times my daughter told me ‘The teachers are kind of mean to the kids.’  I thought that was an over reaction to a tough-love mentality, as my observation was always that the teachers were kind and soft spoken.  However, parents never got to observe the classes.  

 

I started to see the truth just as we were moving away.  My daughter told me the dance teachers were yelling at the kids at the recital, AFTER the dance, because they weren’t on time.  While ‘yelling’ may be up for interpretation, an end-of-year performance should conclude on a positive note for children < 13yrs.  Children should not leave feeling criticized or demoralized, no matter how bad the dance was.  (And it was still a beautiful dance in my eyes.). Yes, a subset of kids may not wilt under that type of behavior and take it constructively.  My DD found it upsetting, saying ‘If I fail, I will be humiliated by the teacher in front of everyone.’

[Kerfuffle]

I can’t speak exactly from personal experience but I do know of a few 17 year olds who have for one reason or another auditioned a second time in year 12 and are now in good vocational schools. It’s hard to keep your confidence up especially if you feel you have missed the boat, even if in reality that isn’t the case (there are several 17 year olds in my DDs first year group).
 

One the other hand your DD might be embracing her new life in 6th form, or whatever she is doing now which is to be celebrated too, hard though it can be for a parent to adapt to, too! 

[Anna C]

17 hours ago, Pas de Quatre said:

What has your dc been doing for this year, both for academics and for training? Are they half way through A levels or other qualifications? It might be better to continue on the same route for another year and then re-evaluate. 

Excellent question.  If they are in 6th form at school or college, it might be better to finish A Levels/whatever qualifications they’ve started, then audition for 18+ training at somewhere like Rambert School, London Studio Centre, or other schools where the training is more than purely ballet focused.

 

That way they still have their A Levels/equivalent to rely on should they decide to change path.  

[Emeralds]

Just also wanted to point @Tendu(I promise that was not a facetious attempt  at a pun!) in the direction of a Pointe magazine article "The journey is the prize" which was referring more to dance competitions like Prix de Lausanne, YAGP and similar competitions, but has some overlap with auditions for dance schools, as some of these competitions are actually auditions for top vocational schools where the prize is the offer of a place with a scholarship at one of these schools.

 

The ballet coach who wrote the article said that while the prizes are nice, she felt that the true benefit gained from competing was what the student learned from the preparation to compete and being at the competition (and being able to learn from seeing other competitors' strengths and weaknesses). While I would say don't enter auditions, competitions or exams unless you have prepared sufficiently, do enter them for the learning experience. Whether your child decides to be a dancer or an accountant or an entrepreneur, the experience of auditioning again can be very educational and useful for all future careers, whether or not you get offered a place - learning to focus, the discipline of practice, being given a challenge (eg new choreography or having to improvise). It's a lot like having interviews for jobs, and it's valuable experience.