Boarding - did it affect your relationship?

[KRBallet]

My DD has been fortunate enough to have been offered a place at Elmhurst and will be boarding. We've got a close relationship at the moment and I was wondering how being away from home will affect our relationship. Does anyone have experience of this? What advice would you give?

[Tiaramum]

My dd boarded at WL and I have to say it hasn't made a difference to us, we are exceptionally close and if anything its helped give us more quality time together. 

[dancefanatic]

The fact that you have a close relationship now will stand you in good stead.  I boarded as a child but feel I never had a particularly close relationship with either of my parents then or now.  however, my DD went to Elmhurst age 12 (graduates this summer) and we had a good relationship before she left that I would say got even closer, even with her so far away, to the point now she is able to (and does) tell me most things that are going on that I know I would never have spoken about with my own mother.

[RobR]

My daughter went all the way through WL. We live in London and we brought her home every Saturday and took her back very early on Monday morning (occasionally Sunday evening) apart from exceptional occasions. 

 

It wasn’t until the last year or so we agreed that she could spend the odd weekend at school.

 

Some children did suffer from homesickness in the early years, and the school was very happy to make different arrangements. One girl would go home both at weekends and on Wednesday evenings. WL understood that different children had different needs. 
 

We were always positive, we never suggested that we regretted her going away to school (although it would have been lovely to have her at home) and she never appeared to be homesick or anxious about boarding.

 

Good luck to your daughter. I suspect that if she believes that you’re happy for her to board but also that you’re always there for her, it should work out fine. 

[Neverdancedjustamum]

I’m not sure what your family situation is but another important thing to consider is how this will/might affect the DC’s relationship with their sibling/siblings (not just with you, as parents). I think this is such a crucial aspect to consider depending on your family dynamics. My grandmother and mother went to boarding school, as well as close family friends, and I also have close friends who work for boarding schools (not vocational) and whilst it would suit certain kids and families, it is a very personal decision. You would know best what would work for your family and it is for this very reason that I never considered boarding at 11 for either of my DCs. It would suit some, but not others, and the effects (if any) won’t just be felt in the present but also in the future. I cannot elaborate further as they’re not my personal experience but just to say there are a lot of factors to consider.

[Farawaydancer]

My dc and I have good, close relationships, and probably all the better for not having to do the ‘nagging’ about homework and tidying bedrooms every day. They also have a good relationship with each other. It won’t work for every family but it’s been good for us. 

[Ruby Foo]

If you already have a good relationship then you’re in a great place and moving apart just means making every effort to sustain it from a distance.

Basically you will need to open every door possible for her to communicate with you, express her thoughts and feelings and know she can rely on you, practically and emotionally, even though you’re not right there. Top tips would be to take her out at every opportunity, not necessarily coming home but a day out for shared experiences and chat. Especially if that chat involves other things than dance!

Ask plenty direct questions when she has time to chat giving her an opportunity to tell you about things she may have forgotten during the day. It’s very tiring at boarding school, not just the dance but just being in the same place all the time. Draining. So remembering to ask about friends, food, favourite teachers, what moods they were in, the houseparents, what she’s looking forward to etc helps to jog her memory and validates her as a person. At the same time remembering to tell her all about home, funny things the pets/ siblings did etc. will help to keep the bond.

A wee parcel etc is really nice to receive if you can’t manage to see her.

I think one of the problems is that coming home for a short time can result in all the nice sides of relationships because everyone wants it to be a happy time. Obviously, a relationship is dealing with the tricky aspects too, in which negotiating through these, give life skills. So when she comes home keep things as natural as possible. 

 

[KRBallet]

Thank you for all of the replies. My DD is our only daughter and, while I'm really excited for her (and really proud!), I've started to get a bit wobbly about her boarding and want to be as supportive as I can because she and I believe 100% that this is the right thing for her.

[WhatsThePointe]

I've had two go away and it's not had any negative effect at all. I will say though, when things do go wrong and they are upset, it's very very tough to deal with from afar. Thankfully it doesn't happen too often, but even with the most settled and laid back kids, at some point they will be tired or poorly and something will upset them and that's horrible when you are miles away.

I would say though, try not to let her see your wobbles, I've seen a few girls who've really struggled and it's been clear that the parents anxieties had a huge influence on their ability to cope.

[SpideyDad]

11 hours ago, KRBallet said:

Thank you for all of the replies. My DD is our only daughter and, while I'm really excited for her (and really proud!), I've started to get a bit wobbly about her boarding and want to be as supportive as I can because she and I believe 100% that this is the right thing for her.

I think modern communications help a lot too: we can have very long conversations, even video calls, without having to think about the costs.

We got our DD a SIM card with unlimited data, just for this reason.

[Beezie]

You are all super brave!  I couldn’t do it!  Though, as a child, I probably thought I was ready to leave home around 14-15yrs.  In my experience, kids know what they can handle.  They may be the best guides regarding age and maturity for such an experience.

[Drballet]

My daughter spent 2 years at boarding school, coming home at weekends, and then this year is at dance college in Barcelona for a year. We have a very close relationship, and this continues to this day. We talk & text a lot - we discuss each other's days, and she shares her ups and downs.  Open communication, honesty, and interest in each other's worlds are crucial.  I was wobbly about boarding and her being so far away. Still, the benefits to her socially, academically and in terms of dance development and networking outweigh my wobbles, and I am very proud of her.

 

Enjoy this new phase in your lives and your relationship x

[FlexyNexy]

My DD left the house at 15 to live 4,000 miles away from UK and it only strengthen our already close bond. We could only make calls once a week due to the local Wi-Fi situation and seen each other only for Christmas or Summer. 
Not only our bonding that has strengthen, but it was HER who changed the most. She has grown into one independent, street wise young lady that I could rely on anything. Comparing her with her group of friends, she is way ahead of being grown up, earning her own money, and traveling the world with an ease. 
Our relationship since she was small was close and we have very open communication all the time. She seen me in my low and high and we draw support from each other. 

I will not lie. It was hard when she had low days or if something gone wrong and I was not being able to be there even for a cuddle. Having my face call un-answered when I know she was in tears was the hardest for me!

But she handled a lot on her own and big help was my jumper that she took and smelled of me 🙂she often hugged for sleep. So, she said.
I often packed extra surprise or letter in her suitcase, or even easter egg in a parcel with "do not open until April" made her closer to home. She wrote a diary which she is planning to publish one day which helped her to cope with new culture, friends, language and being away. When she had low days, we used to make plans where we would travel or meet half way and this made her think forward a little. 
Be prepared for calls or messages during middle of the night. Just being little upset when she had too much on her mind. 

My mobile became my extension to my body to be honest. I slept with my mobile next to my bed just in case. I hated those times, but I would do it again. And still do, even when she is away now at 20! I miss her now a lot. Even the annoying things like bowl from cereals left in the sink in the morning. 

When she is back I love when she crawls to my bed in the morning to wake me up. 

Edited May 2, 2023 by FlexyNexy
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