Self-consciousness/low confidence in dance

[Newtothis]

Hey everyone,

 

My 12 year old daughter (who has danced from a young age) has started to feel really self-conscious when dancing in front of others. For example; in class, performances etc.

She describes worries about being judged negatively by her classmates for her ability and is concerned they won’t feel she is “good enough” (there is zero evidence to support this concern). Her teacher has gave feedback regarding her lack of connection in class despite doing all of the correct movements/working hard, she just can’t seem to get out of her head at the moment.

 

I’m really hoping this is just a tricky phase given her age and trying to help her navigate this with lots of support and encouragement as she loves to dance and is becoming increasingly frustrated with this issue. 
 

Does anyone have any experience of this, advice or reading recommendations? I really want to support her through this and help her to stop seeing herself as an object to be judged by other people and start to believe in herself again. 
Thanks you so much for any help you can offer xx

[Neverdancedjustamum]

My advice would be is to first try and determine (and this is often the hard part), if something happened to bring about this sudden lack of confidence. She’s at that age where it will probably be tricky to get this out of her and perhaps this is because she herself isn’t sure that this is the reason/s of her sudden lack of confidence. Often I find that if your DD was previously confident or at least settled in her dancing, it is often external factors or things she has no control over that bring about sudden lack of confidence. It could be anything from her body suddenly developing and a friend from class making a small comment about this to a teacher who has favourites or overly praises a peer. 

[Newtothis]

Thank you for your reply, I’ve found this age the trickiest to navigate with her as there’s clearly so much going on but she doesn’t seem to have the words to articulate it or struggles to explain to me.
I think the latter is definitely problematic for her as there’s quite a bit of comparing going on between herself and one particular student (the other student is extremely gifted and viewed as the best/most advanced student in the school without a shadow of doubt). Xx 

[Anna C]

Hi Newtothis,

 

Does your dd dance for what I call “serious fun”/a serious hobby, or is she hoping to have a career as a dancer?  If the former, I would remind her of that; that there’s literally no pressure, it’s not a competition, everyone is different, and that even at performances/watching class, the only person focusing on her is you, because you’re her mum.  
 

If she’s aiming at full-time training/preparing for auditions, then it might be that she’s putting so much pressure on herself to be perfect/look different/be more like someone else that she’s unwittingly self-sabotaging.  Perfectionism in dance students is common, and managed well it can be useful, but left unchecked it can be horribly unconstructive.  
 

Regardless of your dds goals, the other thing I’d say is that at 12 she’s still concentrating on correct technique.  One of my dds Associates teachers told her not to worry about “performing” at that age, because she was still committing technique to muscle memory.  She said that once the correct technique was ingrained in the body, it would free up the headspace needed to “perform”, and that would come later. 
 

Twelve to fifteen is a tricky time for girls, even trickier for ballet girls, as they grow, lose their coordination, and often struggle with their own sense of self.  Counselling is always a good idea because a trained counsellor can get to the root of the problem, especially with children who struggle to identify and articulate issues.  Alternatively, see if she’d like to write her thoughts down on slips of paper, and “post” them in a box for you to read, then chat about later, at a quiet time.  That can be good if she doesn’t like trying to articulate what’s in her head during a conversation.  

[Neverdancedjustamum]

22 minutes ago, Newtothis said:

Thank you for your reply, I’ve found this age the trickiest to navigate with her as there’s clearly so much going on but she doesn’t seem to have the words to articulate it or struggles to explain to me.
I think the latter is definitely problematic for her as there’s quite a bit of comparing going on between herself and one particular student (the other student is extremely gifted and viewed as the best/most advanced student in the school without a shadow of doubt). Xx 

I can totally sympathise. This age really is tricky no matter how settled and laid back a child is. They also don’t want to appear weak or emotional so often they don’t know how to begin to verbalise their thoughts and feelings. Even when things are going on in class, they want to be troopers and appear strong. To the point where you’ll probably find out more from others about how the class is and how your DD is treated from others and not directly from her. Sadly, this happens in a lot of dance schools and it’s so damaging and detrimental to these young, impressionable children/teens. You only have to look at dance schools that are active on social media. You can see within a few seconds who the favourites are. I would personally steer clear of these schools, or if you are in it, think carefully about moving DC. These schools would only measure success by those who go to vocational schools or who gets which associates. These seem like little things but it could spell such a big difference. Shattered confidence is hard to restore, and it would take a long time, if it can be restored at all. I often wonder how many amazing dancers the dance world have missed out on because of teachers who like comparing students or young dancers who weren’t nurtured because they didn’t fit the mould of what others perceive a dancer should be at such a young age. Like in any class, dancers as students develop at different rates and have different personalities and learning styles. It is extremely hard to find schools and teachers who can nurture this variety in students. There is only so much we can say to them at this age, (especially if you’re like me and you’re a parent who never danced yourself) - their validation comes from others and her teacher and class would always be key to this. I wish I can provide more helpful advice but as someone who can completely relate to this, I can only hope that your DD will find her sparkle and confidence again. For my DD, it spelled the difference between wanting to pursue dance more seriously and focusing on her academics and sport (and teen life in general). She chose well and is very happy and confident in other things, but she still has to find the sparkly, fiery little dancer she used to be. 

[Legseleven]

I agree with everything already said. We found that car journeys were the best times for chats about possibly uncomfortable issues as I couldn’t look at DD because I was concentrating on driving. That seemed to free her to express things she may not have expressed if we were chatting face to face as usual. 

Edited July 26, 2023 by Legseleven

[Swanwings]

12 minutes ago, Legseleven said:

I agree with everything already said. We found that car journeys were the best times for chats about possibly uncomfortable issues as I couldn’t look at DD because I was concentrating on driving. That seemed to free her to express things she may not have expressed if we were chatting face to face as usual. 

Thats a good point in terms of communication. I like to chat to my dd when we are walking, I find its also non confrontational and she opens up more easily. 

 

Another point, as I am a ballet teacher, I do notice the self conciousness often with girls when they are around 12, and we try to help them as possible ie allow them to wear ballet skirts, close fitting tops and jumpers. Some even try to give up dancing around this time. It might be worth discreetly speak to her teacher to see if theres anything she can do to help with this age. At my dd's school (different to mine) the girls are all allowed to wear black close fitting shorts over their leotards in case they feel nervous starting periods. 

 

So many worries for them, but with my dd I found chatting and normalising everything really helped her get used to growing up. Going out for a coffee or dinner together is great for that too!

 

 

[Newtothis]

2 hours ago, Anna C said:

Hi Newtothis,

 

Does your dd dance for what I call “serious fun”/a serious hobby, or is she hoping to have a career as a dancer?  If the former, I would remind her of that; that there’s literally no pressure, it’s not a competition, everyone is different, and that even at performances/watching class, the only person focusing on her is you, because you’re her mum.  
 

If she’s aiming at full-time training/preparing for auditions, then it might be that she’s putting so much pressure on herself to be perfect/look different/be more like someone else that she’s unwittingly self-sabotaging.  Perfectionism in dance students is common, and managed well it can be useful, but left unchecked it can be horribly unconstructive.  
 

Regardless of your dds goals, the other thing I’d say is that at 12 she’s still concentrating on correct technique.  One of my dds Associates teachers told her not to worry about “performing” at that age, because she was still committing technique to muscle memory.  She said that once the correct technique was ingrained in the body, it would free up the headspace needed to “perform”, and that would come later. 
 

Twelve to fifteen is a tricky time for girls, even trickier for ballet girls, as they grow, lose their coordination, and often struggle with their own sense of self.  Counselling is always a good idea because a trained counsellor can get to the root of the problem, especially with children who struggle to identify and articulate issues.  Alternatively, see if she’d like to write her thoughts down on slips of paper, and “post” them in a box for you to read, then chat about later, at a quiet time.  That can be good if she doesn’t like trying to articulate what’s in her head during a conversation.  

Thank you for your reply. She certainly views dance as something she would like to become a career eventually. I agree with the notion of self-sabotage and think this could be a possibility for her. She doesn’t have a strong sense of who she is and almost won’t allow herself to be free in dance as she’s worried about getting it “wrong” or disappointing her teacher/embarrassing herself in front of her peers. Which isn’t the case. 
Thank you for your suggestions, these might be helpful in getting a dialogue going between us xx
 

[Newtothis]

2 hours ago, Neverdancedjustamum said:

I can totally sympathise. This age really is tricky no matter how settled and laid back a child is. They also don’t want to appear weak or emotional so often they don’t know how to begin to verbalise their thoughts and feelings. Even when things are going on in class, they want to be troopers and appear strong. To the point where you’ll probably find out more from others about how the class is and how your DD is treated from others and not directly from her. Sadly, this happens in a lot of dance schools and it’s so damaging and detrimental to these young, impressionable children/teens. You only have to look at dance schools that are active on social media. You can see within a few seconds who the favourites are. I would personally steer clear of these schools, or if you are in it, think carefully about moving DC. These schools would only measure success by those who go to vocational schools or who gets which associates. These seem like little things but it could spell such a big difference. Shattered confidence is hard to restore, and it would take a long time, if it can be restored at all. I often wonder how many amazing dancers the dance world have missed out on because of teachers who like comparing students or young dancers who weren’t nurtured because they didn’t fit the mould of what others perceive a dancer should be at such a young age. Like in any class, dancers as students develop at different rates and have different personalities and learning styles. It is extremely hard to find schools and teachers who can nurture this variety in students. There is only so much we can say to them at this age, (especially if you’re like me and you’re a parent who never danced yourself) - their validation comes from others and her teacher and class would always be key to this. I wish I can provide more helpful advice but as someone who can completely relate to this, I can only hope that your DD will find her sparkle and confidence again. For my DD, it spelled the difference between wanting to pursue dance more seriously and focusing on her academics and sport (and teen life in general). She chose well and is very happy and confident in other things, but she still has to find the sparkly, fiery little dancer she used to be. 

Thank you., I appreciate your reply, good to know this is something others have experienced and your suggestions are really helpful.

She certainly likes to give the impression she’s strong/a trooper and will often use humour to diffuse these tricker moment in class instead of saying, “I’m really struggling with this step…” for example. 
As she dances competitively within her school she is exposed to the same student “winning” pretty much every section/title and although she enjoys comps she doesn’t necessarily need them to get what she needs from dance but I understand her despondency when she feels like she’s never “good enough” in this context.
She adores her associate program and teacher and this really feels like a safe haven.

I do think more nurture is needed at this point and hoping this will bring back her sparkle xx 

[Newtothis]

1 hour ago, Swanwings said:

Thats a good point in terms of communication. I like to chat to my dd when we are walking, I find its also non confrontational and she opens up more easily. 

 

Another point, as I am a ballet teacher, I do notice the self conciousness often with girls when they are around 12, and we try to help them as possible ie allow them to wear ballet skirts, close fitting tops and jumpers. Some even try to give up dancing around this time. It might be worth discreetly speak to her teacher to see if theres anything she can do to help with this age. At my dd's school (different to mine) the girls are all allowed to wear black close fitting shorts over their leotards in case they feel nervous starting periods. 

 

So many worries for them, but with my dd I found chatting and normalising everything really helped her get used to growing up. Going out for a coffee or dinner together is great for that too!

 

 

Thank you very much for your insight. Really appreciate everything you have said.

I don’t think it’s self-consciousness in a physical sense (although definitely seeing lots of that in the class at the moment given the age), I think it’s more about how she see’s herself (or her peers/teachers do) in terms of ability and this kind of puts her in head when dancing as she can’t seem to stay in the moment if that makes sense? Xx

[Anna C]

Is moving dance schools an option?  It sounds like she might need a less competitive environment, and one more like her Associates class.

 

Your point about struggling to stay in the moment is interesting - sounds like she needs to practice bringing her focus to her breathing, and breathing through each exercise.  Breathwork and ballet are a wonderful combination, and she could maybe start by doing beginner meditation and mindful breathing for children and teenagers.  I can recommend both Headspace and the Calm app, but there’s probably lots on YouTube too.

[alison]

Just wondering whether you've actually discussed this with her teacher yet?

[Newtothis]

1 hour ago, Anna C said:

Is moving dance schools an option?  It sounds like she might need a less competitive environment, and one more like her Associates class.

 

Your point about struggling to stay in the moment is interesting - sounds like she needs to practice bringing her focus to her breathing, and breathing through each exercise.  Breathwork and ballet are a wonderful combination, and she could maybe start by doing beginner meditation and mindful breathing for children and teenagers.  I can recommend both Headspace and the Calm app, but there’s probably lots on YouTube too.

Difficult to say if that’s the right solution, I feel she would say no- She adores her teacher but perhaps it’s worth thinking about if competitions are something she would like to continue with longer term. I have mixed feelings about them, it’s a strange world and changes the relationship with dance. 

[Newtothis]

42 minutes ago, alison said:

Just wondering whether you've actually discussed this with her teacher yet?

Yes, her teacher was the person who actually brought it up and said she wanted to help her through this but it doesn’t seem to be improving sadly xx

[Anna C]

2 hours ago, Newtothis said:

Difficult to say if that’s the right solution, I feel she would say no- She adores her teacher but perhaps it’s worth thinking about if competitions are something she would like to continue with longer term. I have mixed feelings about them, it’s a strange world and changes the relationship with dance. 

Definitely.  I think competitions have their place, but when dancers are older and their basic technique is already set in stone.  Until then, for ballet, I would always choose a school where the focus is on technique and artistry, where they might do Vocational exams, and then maybe a show once every year or two.  Competitions can wait.

[academicdancer]

Has anything changed at dancing prior to this? Has she moved up a grade/switched classes to dance with a slightly different group? Has there been a shift socially - i.e. a few "popular" students holding court in the changing rooms and possibly making it uncomfortable for her? Is there a new teacher or new content to learn? Is this just in ballet or across multiple styles (if she studies multiple styles)?

 

Thinking back to when I was around that age, I lost a lot of confidence when I took an exam with only a few of my peers, leaving the majority of my friends in the grade below. My class often did free work classes with older, more advanced students, and I just didn't feel comfortable and felt like the worst in the class, even though looking back I was working hard and improving. Comparison really is the thief of joy! There was a lot of cattiness and "queen bee" behaviour by a few of the girls which made the changing room an uncomfortable space for me as well as the ballet classes. They were all fine individually, but put them together and they'd put on these "fake" fronts to be the popular ones and lots of people played along. I just didn't see the point! The environment of my classes had also changed somewhat which contributed to feeling uncomfortable - now I know that my main teacher was having a huge upheaval in their personal life and I guess I was just very sensitive to it. My tap and modern classes were my safe haven.

 

Also another question - how many teachers does she have for ballet/each subject? Some students are just suited to different teachers, and different teachers focus on/praise different things and will treat the class differently.

[glowlight]

It seems that some of the 'problem' is around your dd comparing herself with one other child in the class.

 

Is there a possibility of finding something outside of your dd's regular dance classes where she isn't in direct competition with this individual.

 

At a similar age my dd got a huge boost in confidence by taking part in a contemporary dance project that no-one else in her dance school was involved with.  She took part in this with her dance teacher's approval, and it really helped her confidence - and also her contemporary technique.

 

 

 

 

[Peanut68]

My immediate thought on reading the title of this thread (& will go through posts) was perhaps social media has recently become part of your DD’s life? I definitely think this can impact on dancers self esteem & lead to greater self criticism tendencies, body dysmorphia & this can then become an issue in the live situation in a studio. A ‘friend’ or fellow dancer might be less susceptible to outside imagery & this can make them appear more confident & this in turn can come across as ‘they must be a better dancer’ ‘they must have better figure’ etc etc.

I honestly think the root cause of many issues our young dancers battle with lie in the unreal & often faked world of Instagram & the like where everyone appears perfect looking/dressed/perfect turnout/contortionist flexibility/ice-skater worthy turns etc etc. Especially the ‘well known’ popular vastly followed ‘dancers’. 

People mostly only post the best edit of themselves & their dancing. It’s not an accurate representation. 
On a more personal level - could other dancers at your DD’s school be posting ‘perfect’ moments on Instagram etc leading to a feeling that they are ‘better’ when in fact it’s just a small snapshot of time… the one video of a ‘perfect triple turn’ probably look about 20 attempts to get over several sessions. No one posts the 19 rubbish attempts (well - apart from that one spectacular fail when you fall on your backside if they have a sense of humour!) 

Of course if you see that wonderful photo or video of a classmate or hear of their really high exam score it’s easy for some to feel a little intimidated or jealous or wonder they’ll never be as good so what’s the point etc etc. I do often despair that sone seem to blatantly self promote with awful insensitivity but that sadly is part of life in every walk & we all at times need to learn to wear blinkers & learn to focus just on ourselves. And also need to learn to just put the blinking phones away!! 


 

 

[Newtothis]

On 26/07/2023 at 16:07, academicdancer said:

Has anything changed at dancing prior to this? Has she moved up a grade/switched classes to dance with a slightly different group? Has there been a shift socially - i.e. a few "popular" students holding court in the changing rooms and possibly making it uncomfortable for her? Is there a new teacher or new content to learn? Is this just in ballet or across multiple styles (if she studies multiple styles)?

 

Thinking back to when I was around that age, I lost a lot of confidence when I took an exam with only a few of my peers, leaving the majority of my friends in the grade below. My class often did free work classes with older, more advanced students, and I just didn't feel comfortable and felt like the worst in the class, even though looking back I was working hard and improving. Comparison really is the thief of joy! There was a lot of cattiness and "queen bee" behaviour by a few of the girls which made the changing room an uncomfortable space for me as well as the ballet classes. They were all fine individually, but put them together and they'd put on these "fake" fronts to be the popular ones and lots of people played along. I just didn't see the point! The environment of my classes had also changed somewhat which contributed to feeling uncomfortable - now I know that my main teacher was having a huge upheaval in their personal life and I guess I was just very sensitive to it. My tap and modern classes were my safe haven.

 

Also another question - how many teachers does she have for ballet/each subject? Some students are just suited to different teachers, and different teachers focus on/praise different things and will treat the class differently.

No major changes that I can think of… defiantly some comparison going on and not feeling “good enough” at times. She seems to have lost her fun/playful side and dancing has become a part of that. 
She has a 2 teachers, quite different in their approaches but I’d say the same problem exists with both teachers. Xx

[Newtothis]

22 hours ago, Peanut68 said:

My immediate thought on reading the title of this thread (& will go through posts) was perhaps social media has recently become part of your DD’s life? I definitely think this can impact on dancers self esteem & lead to greater self criticism tendencies, body dysmorphia & this can then become an issue in the live situation in a studio. A ‘friend’ or fellow dancer might be less susceptible to outside imagery & this can make them appear more confident & this in turn can come across as ‘they must be a better dancer’ ‘they must have better figure’ etc etc.

I honestly think the root cause of many issues our young dancers battle with lie in the unreal & often faked world of Instagram & the like where everyone appears perfect looking/dressed/perfect turnout/contortionist flexibility/ice-skater worthy turns etc etc. Especially the ‘well known’ popular vastly followed ‘dancers’. 

People mostly only post the best edit of themselves & their dancing. It’s not an accurate representation. 
On a more personal level - could other dancers at your DD’s school be posting ‘perfect’ moments on Instagram etc leading to a feeling that they are ‘better’ when in fact it’s just a small snapshot of time… the one video of a ‘perfect triple turn’ probably look about 20 attempts to get over several sessions. No one posts the 19 rubbish attempts (well - apart from that one spectacular fail when you fall on your backside if they have a sense of humour!) 

Of course if you see that wonderful photo or video of a classmate or hear of their really high exam score it’s easy for some to feel a little intimidated or jealous or wonder they’ll never be as good so what’s the point etc etc. I do often despair that sone seem to blatantly self promote with awful insensitivity but that sadly is part of life in every walk & we all at times need to learn to wear blinkers & learn to focus just on ourselves. And also need to learn to just put the blinking phones away!! 


 

 

I agree with your comment but don’t think she’s exposed to this kind of content as doesn’t have IG or Facebook. I think much of what she views happens at dance and her needing to not get caught up in the “self-promotion” you describe. 
That being said, I try to promote that she celebrates others successes (we always talk about Brenee Browns metaphor of “candle blower-outers”, have a look if you’ve not come across it) but also give her the time to recognise it’s ok to feel disappointed when things don’t go your way/as you’d hoped. 
Comparison is a big part of the problem, I’ve no doubt. I think that’s what maybe make her so hard on herself xx