What would you do differently....

[Billyelliott]

BFF that's all lovely, but in regard to the question in the title, what would you have done differently if anything?

Perhaps nothing !?

[Vonrothbart]

Is an eleven year old child old enough to decide on major issues like going away to boarding school. I would suggest it's their parents decision, nothing wrong with that of course, if they think it would suit.

[Lisa O`Brien]

My 19 year old son doesn`t dance,and we are  poor. But when he was 11 his aunt and uncle on his late father`s side [sean`s father died when he was 10] offered to pay for him to attend a boarding school in Dublin. He absolutely ,categorically didn`t want to go away. Said it would ruin his life. He did OK at his local Catholic High School. Got 8 GCSE`s at Grade C. The last two years him being there was like pulling teeth, he refused to go in some days. I often wonder what or how he would be different if I had sent him away to that private school. Guess we`ll never know. But it was a chance in a lifetime,for someone from our financial background, to go to a private boarding school and I should have taken it.

[Tulip]

My daughter definitely wanted to go at 11,as she thought that was the route to she had to take to become a classical dancer. Even when times were bad, she didn't want to give up vocational school even though she missed home and her family dreadfully

[taxi4ballet]

Is an eleven year old child old enough to decide on major issues like going away to boarding school. I would suggest it's their parents decision, nothing wrong with that of course, if they think it would suit.

An eleven year old is definitely old enough to say "I don't want to!"

 

You couldn't take a decision affecting their whole life without at least discussing with them how they feel about it, and taking their opinions into consideration.

[annaliesey]

My DD is only 11 so it's interesting reading all your comments.

 

Primroses comment hits home for me 'not listening to negativity from other dance Mums' as it's easy when you know nothing to let this get to you.

 

I also think I would liked to have been a bit less accepting of some of dd's teachers methods and attitudes from an earlier stage.

 

There has been so much rubbish along the way and it's spoilt the good stuff really It was really good to start off with but I wish I'd listened to dd earlier when she said she wanted to move schools as she certainly got to that decision before I did so my biggest piece of advice for anyone a few years behind us would be to listen to their child more.

 

I've also learned some stuff about over training and mental health over the last year and that's been enlightening whether she does or doesn't end up with dance as a career it's made me think about my role as dance parent

[Cara in NZ]

Annaliesey, I'm always fascinated by mothers comparing how many hours of dance their child does a week. On Sat one mother (a dance teacher) told me her daughter does 25! In NZ we don't have the full-time at age 11 option, but my DD (age 12) has 8–10 ballet/Pilates/contemporary classes a week, plus Pilates and competition practice. We find that is quite enough, but then she still wants to be a normal kid, and many DC obviously give up on this!

[annaliesey]

Cara I think that's a lot to maintain regularly and have a normal life (of sorts!)

 

I heard a benchmark last week of 13 hours at age 13 bring an optimum level with a few fluctuations either side depending on circumstances. I've also heard quality rather than quantity too which seems to make a lot of sense.

 

My dd has fluctuated between 10-25. 10 being normal/minimum and only up to 25 if she was doing something unusual such as Panto, a performance such as EYB, competition practise, or overlapping grades. But we use the term "little girl time" in our house if things start to increase too much.

[meadowblythe]

Had the courage of my convictions.

 

• Like others, changed dance school when still at home
• Picked the vocational school where I felt he would be happy, rather than relying on pecking order
• Not got wound up about festivals!

 

Having said that, my son says the early problems have given him the skills to deal with the bigger issues that life has throw at him (at the grand old age of 18).  And my daughter, on an MDS for music, has unquestionably learnt from his mistakes.

[theThirdMan]

I've been reading through some of the post on this topic and do have experience with my own ds, but the majority of the comments and thoughts are from parents. I feel that it would be good if parents of children that have been through the whole process could be encouraged to post their own feelings and thoughts on how they now feel, the positives and negatives it would give a different insight and may help others make appropriate decisions.

 

One area that always concerned me was the number of children that started vocational school and for one reason or another had to leave their training at various points in their young lives (even at 15 or 16), which then made it difficult to go back into main stream education,

[Picturesinthefirelight]

In the UK a child would not be asked to leave vocational training for any reason other than severe discipline problems once they had entered Year 10 (age 14-15) until after their GCSE exams in Year 11 (age 16)

[theThirdMan]

Was not just talking about being asked, some also left on their own accord because of injury.

[CeliB]

It honestly is really hard to lose your child on a day to day level but there are positive outcomes too. Certainly I spent most of the first 6 months after DS left (a few weeks after his 14th birthday, and from the UK to the USA so limited visiting ability) in tears, wondering what on earth I had agreed to. Looking back however over the last 4 years he has gained so much more than just the ballet training, including skills that will stand him in good stead for any career he might end up in.

 

Positives

-independance and competence around travel (UK to USA on his own from age 15)

-ability to be socially flexible and tolerant (he shared a room for 4 years with a variety of quite difficult characters)

-social skills developed in interacting with a huge variety of other sudents from all around the world and coping with new cultures and languages

-independent study (not just academic but extra exercise- gym, swimming etc- at the moment he has found himself a local swimming pool where last time he went the Russian coach from the local swimming club absorbed him into the group of swimmers and made him do training sets with the others - hilarious)

-self starting about solving his own problems around training, academics etc

-able to do his own shopping, washing and cooking from a young age (his cheesecake was a Kirov favourite)

- no parent/child conflicts over mess/homework/staying out late/getting up to no good - when he is home it's like a joyful holiday

-a lovely excuse for trips abroad to watch him perform (not just for DH and I but also for his siblings, who are immensely proud of him)

 

He has had some rocky moments, but when younger son had a big crisis recently DS called him and told him he should listen to us as parents, as we had always been there for him and no-one would ever love him or care for him more than me and DH (it brought a tear to my eye!). When DS is back home I get a big hug every night when I get back from work, and a kiss when he goes out for the evening with his mates. Given he's the grand old age of 18 I truly appreciate how lucky I am in this...

 

Negatives:

-very hard to cope when they are ill or sad and you can't be there physically to provide care or comfort

-expensive (probably prohibitively for the vast majority)

-um.....

yep that's it

 

Regrets/things I would do differently:

 

-send him to Russia at 16 instead of 18, or

-send him to Russia instead of Amsterdam at 18

(not that it was my choice really, but it proved an almost career ending disaster)

 

So in the end for us it has been mainly positive. I don't think he could have achieved what he has without going away. At the moment he says he is enjoying dancing more than he ever has in his life before. Whatever happens in the next few years I certainly don't regret letting DS go away at 14.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

If God forbid my dd was injured at that point in her schooling she would stay at the school until after her GCSE's even if she could not dance as GCSE's are too important to chsnge schools at that point.