Giving up

[Haggis]

He is. Has been full time for five and a half years. Was likely to stay at same school for 6th form before this.

[Haggis]

[aileen]

He's at the age when a lot of teenagers rebel / experiment / want to become their own person / want to re-invent themselves (that's why some move school for sixth form). I imagine that, although they have many advantages, vocational schools can feel a bit stifling.

[Harwel]

Oh Haggis I really feel for you!

[Circe]

Haggis, maybe he woulc refund his interest by going somewhere else for sixth form? going to same school for sixth form in non dancing world not always the best option...some kids needs a bit of a change?

[Ellie]

Can he do any open classes (Pineapple/Danceworks...) over half term or Easter ? I remember really enjoying the professional atmosphere when I was his age and at voc school.

[Circe]

Sorry, missed typos in my post above...meant to say ' would refind his interest'

[dramascientist]

I don't know about the kids wanting to give up, sometimes I feel like I would like to get off the rollercoaster!

[Fiz]

I couldn't believe it when both of my ex dds stopped all their dance, drama and singing classes. I had my life back but I didn't know what to do with it. ????

[2dancersmum]

Is your DS a year 11 15 year old Haggis? I ask because personally my DC found this the most stressful term and unsettling term at school - worse actually than when GCSE exams actually started. At this stage academic teachers are putting the pressure on for meeting Easter deadlines on many courses, doing their best in their final controlled assessments in others and stressing the importance of revision. Yet at the same time it is beginning to dawn on the students that that stage of their lives is coming to an end and they will soon have their friendship groups split. My DC were not at vocational lower school but both found year 11 difficult - one was staying onto 6th form but many friends weren't and the other was the one leaving for vocationl 6th form when friends were staying and both felt uncertainty over their futures. I think the best you can do is to reassure him that he does not have to make his mind up yet but you will support him whatever and perhaps discuss possibilities for Plan B. I think if you are at vocational school and have friends excited at going off to new schools in September it can make it feel worse but the reality I think is that 6th form training is very different to lower school. Perhaps he will feel differently by the end of the summer term when exams are over and he has an end of year performance (?). Wishing you both all the best at this difficult time.

[Harwel]

Chaperone makes a good point, a change may be all that's needed. Perhaps over half term you could discus the possibility of at least auditioning for different schools for 6th form. It's not too late - my mum taught a boy a few years ago, who only told her he wanted to audition for schools after all the first set of auditions had been done. She rang Central, as she thought he would suit them and they saw him at the final auditions. He got offered a place too.

[aileen]

I think that 2dancersmum has made some very good points. At my children's (non-vocational) school only a handful leave for other sixth forms but I know that this is not the case at other schools, particularly girls schools in my experience. It must be unsettling and for some year 11 can feel a bit like year 6 with friendship groups splitting up. In my experience there is also a bit of bravado about leaving for other schools and sixth form colleges but many do end up staying at the same school but have been pleased to take the opportunity to look at other schools and make a positive choice to stay where they are. Some teenagers are quite bored by year 11 and resent all the (for them) petty rules and strictures of school but sixth forms even in the more 'traditional' schools generally have a slightly different feel to the middle schools, which is most evident in the sixth form dress codes. My son is certainly enjoying year 12 more than year 11 and this is partly to do with the change in relationships between the students and the teachers ie the students are treated more as adults by the teachers. 

[Haggis]

Thank you all...some really good advice here. I think the idea of different schools classes is great xx

[Lala]

My eldest DD from a young age attending singing, drama and dance classes. We travelled to London for musical theatre classes at weekends. She appeared in many many local show with lead roles. For many years this continued up to the age of 16. Her dream to train in musical theatre. She spent one year at a performing arts school and then quit! Has returned to normal college to study and has completely turned her back on everything! To this day she still hasn't told me the real reason she quit. I feel sad and still dont understand how she can just stop something that she always loved!

[sarahw]

That must be very hard for you.

[alison]

He is 15 and seems to have fallen out of love with class,which he finds boring tho he still loves performance.

 

There *is*, of course, an alternative explanation: the class *could* be boring - it's not unknown. If the teacher, or the music, or something is uninspired then that's not much encouragement for the student. Has he tried taking class somewhere else, for comparison?

[CouldDoBetter]

My eldest DD from a young age attending singing, drama and dance classes. We travelled to London for musical theatre classes at weekends. She appeared in many many local show with lead roles. For many years this continued up to the age of 16. Her dream to train in musical theatre. She spent one year at a performing arts school and then quit! Has returned to normal college to study and has completely turned her back on everything! To this day she still hasn't told me the real reason she quit. I feel sad and still dont understand how she can just stop something that she always loved!

 

Hi Lala

 

Something similar happened to me. It became a taboo subject. Whenever I tried to raise it I knew it would be an awkward conversation that would end in an argument. Finally I discovered that it was guilt. She realised this was not the path she actually wanted to follow anymore for whatever reason, but felt bad about all the sacrifices that had been made by others.

 

Your situation may be totally different. I am sure that your DD with have gained life skills from her performing arts training that will help her whatever she decides to do.

 

CDB

[aileen]

I wonder whether she wouldn't explain her decision because she didn't want to be talked out of it. Any parent in this situation would want to discuss why there had been such a dramatic change in his/her child's priorities and the child probably thinks that if s/he doesn't give reasons they can't be challenged by arguments to the contrary eg:

 

'I know the days are long and tiring but it will be worth it in the end'

 

'You always say that other people are better than you but that's not true; the teachers say that you're doing really well'

 

'You can have a social life when you're older- I'm glad that you're not out all night drinking like x and y from such-and-such a school' 

 

'You'll really regret giving up; you won't be able to change your mind later'

 

You'll have opportunities to travel when you're older - anyway, ballet companies tour and so you will get to see the world'

 

Perhaps the child thinks that her reasons sound trivial or stupid and so s/he doesn't want to list them. Perhaps s/he doesn't know the reasons but just knows that s/he doesn't want to do it any more. It's like falling out of love with someone; you know that you feel like this but can't explain why. I would certainly be frustrated and upset if I wasn't told why my child was giving up something that s/he had been passionate about for years and, knowing myself, I'd keep pushing for an explanation (probably fruitlessly), but I know that some children really hate to be closely questioned about things and that pursuing a topic just leads to a great deal of tension and argument. As for children not seeming to miss their former passion, I suspect that they do miss it to some extent but are reluctant to admit that they do to their families or even to acknowledge to themselves that they feel any sense of loss or regret, perhaps because they don't want to face the possibility that they may have made the wrong decision.

[Fiz]

Wise words, Aileen.

[Lala]

I think your right Aileen. I think she does miss it but will not admit it. Every time I try to talk about it, it ends up in an argument. I have to accept her decision but I don't agree with it.

[aileen]

I can understand your point of view, Lala. Just prepare yourself for her saying to you in the future: 'why did you let me give up?' I've heard of so many children complaining that their parents allowed them to give up things, did not get them to practise their instrument more etc. Conversely, I've heard of children complaining of being forced to keep doing something that they didn't want to. As a parent, you can't win. Sometimes, our children will make the wrong decision and they will have to live with it, perhaps for many years to come. If your child refuses to discuss his/her decision with you before s/he follows it through it can make you feel uneasy because you don't know whether s/he has really thought it through or whether it just reflects some temporary dissatisfaction or disillusionment which will pass in time but what can you do if s/he is adamant about it and refuses to postpone the decision to give him/herself time to reflect on it?