Confidence issues

[charlie4dancin]

I've also casually asked dd if she wants to maybe change track and do less or something different!!!

[Lilac]

Anjuli_Bai, some of your points did make me think. I have loved ballet since a child, and wasn't allowed to do it, so do have an awareness that I am very keen for DD to pursue dance for as long as possible. Not sure how I will react when/if she wants to reduce her commitment. Older daughter was never as keen, and gave up a couple of years ago

[Lisa O`Brien]

Anjuli_Bai, some of your points did make me think. I have loved ballet since a child, and wasn't allowed to do it, so do have an awareness that I am very keen for DD to pursue dance for as long as possible. Not sure how I will react when/if she wants to reduce her commitment. Older daughter was never as keen, and gave up a couple of years ago

I have found myself in a similar situation with my non dancing son recently.I have been busily [and happily]ordering university prospectuses for us to browse through,just to get an idea and a bit of a feel for some of them.Sean told me the other day he doesn`t want to go to university. I was so upset for a while ,although I didn`t let him see. Hoping he will change his mind,of course.I did`nt go to uni,and neither did anyone on our side of our family,and so it has always been a dream of mine that he would go.[Long after dreaming I would have a daughter ,who would be at White Lodge when she was 11,of course.!!]

[aileen]

It should be remembered that ballet can be pursued in different ways. It doesn't have to be pursued in the form of numerous classes, associate schemes, festivals, EYB, NYB, holiday courses etc. It's perfectly reasonable for a DC to decide that she wants to pursue ballet as an enjoyable but not too time consuming hobby which leaves plenty of time for non-dance friends and other hobbies and interests. A DC who has been very serious about ballet may just change her mind about the amount of time and effort that s/he wants to devote to it and as parents we have to accept this even if we are disappointed after so much time, effort and money have been invested to date. It doesn't have to be a choice of pursuing ballet seriously or giving up completely. It's possible to find a middle way.

[Anjuli_Bai]

I have found myself in a similar situation with my non dancing son recently.I have been busily [and happily]ordering university prospectuses for us to browse through,just to get an idea and a bit of a feel for some of them.Sean told me the other day he doesn`t want to go to university. I was so upset for a while ,although I didn`t let him see. Hoping he will change his mind,of course.I did`nt go to uni,and neither did anyone on our side of our family,and so it has always been a dream of mine that he would go.[Long after dreaming I would have a daughter ,who would be at White Lodge when she was 11,of course.!!]

 

Because he doesn't want to go now - doesn't mean he will never go.  

 

Upon graduating from high school, my son went into the Air Force for 8 yrs. gained a lot of maturity from that experience, came home and then completed his degree at a university.   When he told us as he graduated high school that he didn't want to go to the university - I never disagreed with him.  No sense for someone to go who doesn't want to.  And the Air Force was a good choice for him at that time.

 

At one point in my life I was supervising the business end of a large in-pt/out-pt medical facility.  I remember one day a new doctor came onto staff and after seeing his first patient, he came into my office and sat down.  He was pale, perspiring and near tears.  He said to me:  "I hate this -and I have to do it the rest of my life."  I asked him why he had pursued all these years (12) of study - he must have known before this that he didn't want to be a physician.  He then told me that his parents had this dream for him and he had never found the strength to go his own way.

 

I found that this was not rare - there were several doctors on the staff who pursued that course because it was the dream of a father and/or mother.  How sad!  They felt trapped - and after all that investment it was "too late" to change course.  Actually, a couple of them eventually did - retiring from medical practice and pursuing other occupations..

 

I promised myself that when it came to decisions about my son's future - he would get to make that decision.  What I or my husband wanted for him -- didn't matter.  It's his life.  

 

This, I think is even more true for a career in dance because the initial decision is made when the child is so young.   They have to have the freedom to change their minds.  And - very importantly to change their minds - to make decisions - without guilt.

 

And, I think that even if the investment is not fulfilled - it is never lost.

[Piccolo]

When DD was 4, she said that she wanted to give up ballet. I told her teacher, who told me 'she must never give up!'. I did as I was told and kept taking her and it turned out that it was the noisy class and shouting that she hadn't liked, not the ballet. She got used to the noise!

When she was 6 she asked to give up because her best friend was giving up. Since she was doing well with ballet and had been enjoying it, and her friend was a budding artist, I pointed out that as she got older she would end up having different interests to her friends and they would eventually choose different paths anyway, so important to think about the things that she enjoyed doing and to pursue them. (This said with my own deep regrets in mind at giving up hobbies as a child 'just because I could').

Since then , DD has made good progress with her dancing, and enjoys the friendships she has now with like minded people.

I will always encourage her to continue vocationally or as a hobby as I can see it is good for her well being. Whatever she does in life though, there'll be no escaping hard work and crying won't help! ????

[taxi4ballet]

So, as a mother, one must be careful that our desires do not become the criteria for the girl to choose.  

 

I had just such a mother, Anjuli.

 

As a child, there was no money for her to learn the piano, go to ballet classes or become a Girl Guide, and when I was born she must have vowed to herself that she would make sure that I would have all the opportunities denied to her. Consequently I had all those things thrust upon me, even though they were not where my interests lay. Her mantra was "I only want what's best for you" but she couldn't - or wouldn't - see that what was "best" for me in her eyes wasn't necessarily what I wanted. Obstacles always seemed to be put in the way of the activities I was keen on.

 

As a result, this has made me determined not to do the same thing all over again with her granddaughter. DD knows that all the approval and praise heaped her way is because we love her no matter what, and she also knows that we will support her in whatever she does, and wherever her life leads her.

 

I've never pushed dd into anything at all, she's been entirely self-motivated, and if tomorrow she said she no longer wanted to dance, and wanted to be a car mechanic/hairdresser/physicist then I would be astounded, but would then back her up to the hilt. 

 

It's her life 

[Anjuli_Bai]

Sometimes we learn from our parents what to do and sometimes we learn from our parents what not to do.

[Piccolo]

I have also asked DD if she wants to take her dancing less seriously, but she enjoys all her classes and loving the new challenge of inter foundation and pointe work. At some point though she will have to choose between her two hobbies as the class times will clash as she gets more involved. She knows this and it's up to her what she chooses. At the moment though she says she is going to give up the other hobby when she becomes a teenager.

I don't believe though that what she sometimes wants or chooses is what's best for her...eg unlimited Nickelodeon TV, unlimited computer gaming instead of reading, etc, so I'll keep on with the parental guidance thing, probably failing miserably at times, but nobody's perfect ????