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Homesickness


Billyelliott

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Jess - I really feel for you and your DS.  I agree with the advice to contact the houseparent and school to see if this can be nipped in the bud before it develops even further.  My DD was bullied at a young age - it was only one girl but since no-one spoke out - DD thought they all felt the same way about her and that made it worse.  She was worried about 'telling' on this girl for fear of making it worse but rest assured that schools are very good at dealing with bullying issues without necessarily singling individuals out, even though sometimes that is necessary.  I am sure that if houseparents and school are aware of what is happening and how your son feels about it they will deal with it.

Hopefully the "lost" feeling will pass once he is back to full health and the friendship issues are dealt with.  This first half term of the year is a long one - and even more so for those away from home for the first time.  Once the initial excitement wears off there is bound to be a little lull before they have something else to look forward to.  I think as term progresses they get more and more tired aswell, even without being ill, and are well and truly ready for a relaxing half term.  I hope you sooner have a happier DC.

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For anyone concerned about bullying, there is a marvellous book called:

 

"Don't Pick On Me (how to handle bullying)" by Rosemary Stones.

 

It is very good, and has chapters explaining why people resort to bullying, how to stick up for yourself and one section specifically about bullying at boarding school. 

 

It's aimed at children from about 9 and upwards, but it is also a very informative read for us parents too, and certainly helped us with a brief period of bullying my dd experienced a few years ago.

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I had to smile Billyelliott that he can't be the first boy who has wanted to go on pointe!! Why not?! Perhaps they should have a year when they can have a go if they want. And what about that very funny ballet company.....it has Trockodero in the title....sorry brain a bit sluggish today but I'm sure you know the one I mean and the men go on pointe in that company!!

During classes when I was in 20's and 30's I loved having a go at some of the men's steps and even today wish I could pirouette like the men can!!

 

You've already had good advice on here about what to do if this continues and it's always worth giving it a bit of time to see if they can sort out themselves but some personalities can be very overwhelming and can cause others to follow suit so if it doesn't fall away or gets worse you can put your plan into action.

 

I haven't read that book suggested by Taxi but it sounds good.

There used to be a government funded group going round schools with an anti bullying campaign who were very good and even got children to act out scenes etc. Everyone got given a leaflet so that they could see clearly what was considered bullying and encouraged to report it etc. Just raising the awareness like this helped a lot in some schools I worked in.

Having a 'buddy' from the year above can help too if pupils can be matched well especially where kids are boarding or even school councils as long as meetings are regular so things can get aired there too.

But a clear policy from the 'top' that bullying just wont be tolerated is best way to keep bullying to the minimum.

If some child has a need to bully someone then they need help too but if they've got 'problems' they must be given the appropriate help to deal with these and not given a licence to carry on making others very unhappy.

 

Hope it's all sorted soon......and half term is only 2 and a bit weeks away!!

 

Slightly off kids and homesickness but on tv last night(it wasn't about homesickness) they were talking to the people who,had been part of making the "Skippy" programmes and Germaine Greer came on to say she was in London and feeling very down one day when "Skippy" came on the tv and she was looking at it avidly and with ridiculous absorption....it was a bit cheesy.....with great nostalgia looking at the blue skies and Oz type scenery and suddenly realised she was actually homesick and hadn't realised it so became a "Skippy" fan for a while!

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My DS suffered with bullying at both schools he attended and the schools dealt with it quite well but one boy they never really got under control.  The schools have been known to suspend children for bullying and in one case a child was asked to leave one of the schools.

 

My DS has also voiced that he would like to go on pointe, he would insist on going around on his toes in his jazz sneakers. Doesn't Bottom do some pointe in RB's The Dream?

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I missed them in Brighton in the summer hope to catch them another time.

 

They also put on a class for locals to join which was a nice gesture. Everyone who saw them enjoyed very much

 

Now they would be a tonic for homesickness blues!!

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I think it must be very common for boys to want to try going up on pointe - funnily enough, my dd sent me a photo yesterday of one of the boys at her school who was wearing point shoes and doing an arabesque...very nicely indeed! He's at least 18 or 19, and everyone in the class thought it was great fun  :D

 

There will always be those who say horrible things, and want to sideline individual children - I think many of our DCs have probably experienced this. It is done purely out of jealousy and to try to gain status within the group: the skill as a parent is in judging when to step in. It's not an easy one, but I would say don't be afraid to tackle it when you feel the time has come, even if your child says they don't want you to...these things are always better out in the open, as it's the bully who relies on the victim's silence.

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DS told me the boys at his school commonly borrow the girls old pointe shoes (if they can find any big enough) and practise going on pointe to strengthen their ankles...

I do feel sometimes we feel unnecessarily anxious about our DS's being ridiculed or called gay for being dancers- in our family my younger son (who does do ballet but not yet at such a level that his classmates know about it) has had far worse bullying from his peers including being called gay, stupid; for having rich parents (I wish!), too big a house (ditto), not being good at football, yada yada.... if they want to be vile, kids will use anything perceived as hurtful and it doesn't really matter what you do or how you are as a person- none of the insults actually bear any relation to reality...

I would agree that liaison with school is vital if the bullying goes beyond the normal rough and tumble of life and only you as the parent can gauge that (and of course the break point will vary from child to child).

Thanks for the book suggestion T4B- I'll be getting that!

Edited by CeliB
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Maybe I should post up the end of year photo of the year 9 'boys wear the girls class clothes, girls wear the boys'... Or the year 7 photos after the girls had their makeup lessons and all practiced on the boys...

 

But if name calling keeps on, then it needs to be addressed. House parent call in order.

 

And boys trying on pointe shoes might give them a little more respect for those that have to wear them all the time! What was that quote about Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers? 'I do everything he does, but backwards and wearing high heels'

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I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for their responses to me, I am genuinely touched that so many of you have tried to help, and I take on board the message loud and clear about contacting the house parents. I suppose I have been frightened of rocking the boat as the girl's mum is a bit of a big mouth too!! It's not so much that I'm bothered about him being called gay (he may or may not be, I don't think he is but it certainly wouldn't upset me if he was), it's the fact that, as has been astutely pointed out, it is being used as a way to ridicule and belittle him by a child who is older than him in front of all her friends...continuously. Nobody should have to put up with that. When I posted last night I had had a really upsetting phone call from him, and I am very grateful for every single reply, they are all really thoughtful and contain good advice. I do see that I need to act, and I will, fortunately I have been logging incidents, as I keep a diary every night anyway.

 

Billyelliott, my heart goes out to you too and I hope that your dc is ok (for what it's worth my son would love to have a go at pointe!)

 

Thank you again everybody.

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Doesn't every boy that does ballet get called 'gay' at some point! My ds has 2 older brothers that have called him that for years, so much so that it's almost a term of endearment now and I know they are very proud of him! Afterall how many boys that do ballet, dread going to a normal secondary school and friends finding out that they are ballet dancers!

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Maybe I should post up the end of year photo of the year 9 'boys wear the girls class clothes, girls wear the boys'... Or the year 7 photos after the girls had their makeup lessons and all practiced on the boys...

But if name calling keeps on, then it needs to be addressed. House parent call in order.

And boys trying on pointe shoes might give them a little more respect for those that have to wear them all the time! What was that quote about Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers? 'I do everything he does, but backwards and wearing high heels'

Oh I wish you could post those photos - I'm sure they are hilarious and I bet DS would have a good laugh about it all and be able to shrug off the comments !

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My dc is also trying to deal with the fact that a child (at same school) from their old dance school is making life hard by continuing the name-calling of "gay" that he endured for years and thought he had escaped from.

 

I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be totally unacceptable in schools these days?  It definitely sounds to me as though that should be brought to the attention of someone in authority - even if he manages to come up with a way to deal with it himself, which would probably be better.

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Doesn't every boy that does ballet get called 'gay' at some point! My ds has 2 older brothers that have called him that for years, so much so that it's almost a term of endearment now and I know they are very proud of him! Afterall how many boys that do ballet, dread going to a normal secondary school and friends finding out that they are ballet dancers!

well that may be true, and is something we have laughed about and talked about at home as a way of dealing with it. To be honest it's not about the wording (he knows that it's a label that male dancers get and he accepts that) - my post was really about coping with the fact that I have a young boy away from home who is receiving deliberate long-standing bullying from an older child as a way of making him feel bad (which she did over and over again in their old dance school). Just because as adults we know that it is something he needs to try to learn to deal with himself (and trust me he has), doesn't mean we don't worry about them or try to work out ways of helping them cope. That's all I was trying to say, that my son was feeling lonely, sad, unwell and far away from home.

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Dear Jess

Have you heard anything further ?

Is he feeling any better today?

I find it the hardest when they just don't communicate and you assume they are still in the state they were when you last spoke to him .

Thinking of you and wishing you the courage to put something into an email , if it not easy to phone !

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Sorry Jess, I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic. My ds has never been homesick or ever been bullied to such a point that he felt like your ds. I do know of other boys though that have struggled to settle because of varying problems (won't go into detail), especially the first term. My ds said that they went home for a few days or a week, he wasn't even sure that they were coming back! Illness was the reason given for these prolonged absences home. It obviously helped them because they all completed the school year and all came back this year. I say this all the time, that, most of the other ds in my sons year, he would not chose as friends outside his vocational school, but having got to know each other well now, they've become a unit and I'd like to think they watch out for each other now. There is some sort of camaraderie between them, it's like they've all been on an adventure together that only they understand! I hope this happens to your ds year, they are still getting to know each other. I don't know what to suggest about the girl, speak to his houseparent, I would definitely do something soon if he is so upset about it. Houseparents usually act on these sort of things quickly in my experience.

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I remember when I was at Urdang in the eighties. It was Miss Urdang`s policy to have talented young people at the school and to give them an opportunity even if they had never had formal training before. There were a good few young black men who joined the first years along with us ballet types. I remember very clearly two of them;strapping six footers both of them,doing releves at the barre en pointe. Goodness khows how they got pointe shoes to fit their feet but they did. I asked one of them after class why they were doing pointe work.It was to improve their arches/insteps.Actually,Leonie Urdang was really quite revolutionary.She came from South Africa and abhorred the Apartheid system there. She was determined to set up a school that was available to all colours. In fact, so determined was she to give people a chance that I read somewhere she once had as many as 10 Urdang students living with her in her house rent free as they didn`t get the grants they needed. Also, One of the ballet teachers,Nina,an ex ballet dancer was profoundly deaf. She had no qualms about hiring her as a teacher though. I didn`t get a full grant either. There was a shortfall of at least £650 a term,every term. Not once did she say to me or my mum I couldn`t stay there as there wasn`t enough money. How many would be like her nowadays?

Edited by thequays
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Jess, I am so sorry to hear about your son being bullied. This really does need to be stopped right now because it is nasty unprovoked behaviour from an older child who should know better and should be made to learn straight away that it will not be tolerated.

 

I would email the houseparents, the head of year, any tutors assigned to your son, the head of pastoral care and the head of school pointing out what is going on (telling them exactly what has happened from your diary and advising them that this is a complete log of events which you will continue to keep) and asking them to intervene immediately. As a new Y7 boarder, your son cannot deal with this himself, much as that would be the ideal; he needs support and back up from the adults in charge and you need confirmation of precisely what support and back up has been given. The bullying student must be dealt with appropriately, whatever the reason for her appalling behaviour is alleged to be (we all know that excuses will be made for her behaviour by her parents but to be honest there ARE no reasons or excuses for deliberately deciding to make a younger, new and vulnerable child's life in a new boarding environment any more difficult than it will be in any event) and I would also ask for confirmation of exactly what steps have been taken in this regard. The advice about referring to the anti-bullying policy is great.

 

I think emailing is preferable to phoning the school because not only does it mean that you don't have to speak to various staff member to tell them news which will upset you but it also means that you have written proof of when you raised the concerns and asked for them to be dealt with - and you can just send it to various recipients at the same time. It also means you can mark it as 'very urgent' to ensure it doesn't get lost in the deluge of emails they will no doubt receive daily.

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Very few I think from a different era or just certain individuals have this level of commitment to others.

Reminds me of that wonderful lady who works with children who have very difficult backgrounds....usually already expelled form more than one school....in London somewhere it is but puts her life at risk on a daily basis......though interestingly she is still going strong but can't remember her name she has been on the tv a few times.

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Sorry was going to add about the bullying that in this instance action could be sooner rather than later as you say it has continued from another school so not just recently started. Definitely time for it to stop as it has now become habitual and probably won't unless action is taken.....and I know this is hard to do sometimes....but it's not good for this girl either who needs to learn she can't use her own problems to intimidate other people.

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I agree that you cannot leave it to your son to deal with this on his own. He is away at boarding school and the bullying has become an entrenched pattern of behaviour which has continued after a change of school. You need to let the school know that you expect them to take the girl to task NOW and that you will not let the matter drop until the bullying has stopped completely. Make sure that the school knows that the bullying went on at their previous school.

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Actually re-reading your posts Jess I would have to agree with others about contacting the school. At his old secondary school my older DS was once bullied (over a relatively short time period) by one of the girls in his friendship group which culminated in a day of following him round calling him gay (totally unrelated to his dancing in fact) and he ended up standing on the street one morning half way to school unable to bring himself to go any further. Luckily it was one of my days at home so I picked him up en route to taking younger DCs to primary school, sent him home and called the school pastoral office. I had a meeting with his Head of House and Pastoral Officer the next day, the girl in question was brought in later that day to talk about the issue, and that was the end of that. Never happened again (and she learned a valuable lesson about the difference between teasing and bullying). Even if the person in question has a difficult parent who is unlikely to take kindly to criticism of the child (and yes I have that t shirt too!), the school tend to approach the student first. They have a lot of experience in dealing with this sort of thing, but they won't necessarily pick up on it happening so you do have to bring it to their attention.

 

I think you should also be aware you are doing the bullying person a favour as well as LinMM pointed out- sometimes children are genuinely unaware how vicious they are being- and if they are then there is even more reason they should be called on it. The longer she is allowed to behave this way the more it becomes part of her personality ad difficult to unlearn. If she were my child although I would be mortified I would rather know about this and act on it than leave her to become increasingly horrid....

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I think you should also be aware you are doing the bullying person a favour as well as LinMM pointed out- sometimes children are genuinely unaware how vicious they are being- and if they are then there is even more reason they should be called on it. The longer she is allowed to behave this way the more it becomes part of her personality ad difficult to unlearn. If she were my child although I would be mortified I would rather know about this and act on it than leave her to become increasingly horrid....

 

I think Celi is right here: the more ingrained it gets, the worse it (and the bully) becomes.

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Thanks to everyone, I honestly am very appreciative of all the replies and that you've taken the trouble to offer advice/support. I have lurked here for a long time (even before the new forum) and have always been impressed how supportive everyone is to each other and learned a lot from the advice that has always been offered here - this ballet journey can be a difficult one (and a wonderful one) at times let's face it. I was feeling so bad the other night that I just felt I really had to post and listen to people who may have been through this with their own dc.

 

Evie, I know you weren't being unsympathetic at all, thank you for what you have said, I was just comparing it in my head to how years ago people who were disabled, black etc would have been called certain names as a way to belittle, abuse etc and that just because we all know it happens with our dancing sons (the gay taunt) doesn't mean it's ok, or that they feel equipped to always deal with it depending on the circumstances in which it is happening.

 

Thanks again everybody, I am going to sit down with my husband tonight and we'll put an email together and deal with it, I can see that I need to. I am really grateful to everyone for listening.

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A friend of mine (whose child was being continually bullied) had given up in despair of trying to get the school to do something, and eventually told the school in no uncertain terms that they had 24 hours to get things sorted out, or she was going to dial 999 and call the police into the school. 

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Did it do the trick Taxi?

 

My niece was bullied and was painfully shy by the time she got to secondary school (where the bullying continued).  As it happens she had to take over the lead in the school's Dracula Spectacular show and she won a lot of fans and the bullying fizzled out.

 

Bullying has a deep-seated impact.  When I was talking about my concerns over my niece to a colleague she got really upset.  It seemed that she had been bullied at school over 30 years earlier and it still distressed her to talk about it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So the long awaited Half Term is here at last - following good reports and watching DS ballet class as well lectures on nutrition and e safety , we arrived safely home around midnight and have a full nest once again !

 

Interestingly the teachers felt that he had not been homesick at all - obviously it has not affected his classes !

 

We have had a few days of visiting old school friends , ballet friends and others from the bus rides to school - so nice to see he is remembered and wished well , in spite of the negative perceptions of DS when leaving !

 

Now we have "school home sickness" ! He can't stop texting his school mates and even did a ballet class by FaceTime with one of his mates !

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