Billyelliott Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Thanks everyone for all the support and encouragement ???? I hope the choristers Mum got some too ! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinMM Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Well you all know by now I'm not against boarding and only think abandonment issues occur in very particular cases and not usually with kids at vocational schools. However do have first hand experience of a family member...first cousin...who ran away from boarding school when she was 14. Her parents were in Venezuela!! So it was to her brother,two years older, she ran who was at another boarding school hundreds of miles from hers!! My Aunty who never really wanted the kids to be sent to England to school was of course very upset by this. So,after years of her being unhappy (they were sent away at eight) ....and this was common for children of Shell workers...she finally became just a weekly boarder at a good school near to another of my aunts and went home there every weekend. But it was thought in the sixties that only an English education would do etc. Their dad was very academic (dr.of marine engineering from Oxford) and wanted the "best" for them. My aunt would have been happy for them to attend the English or international school in Caracus....but it would still have meant boarding but maybe weekend contact would have been a lot more frequent. She's over this nightmare for her now but needless to say none of her four children went to boarding school!! They have all been highly successful in different chosen fields without the "best of British" so to speak. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balletla Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I think that as long as the children realise they have the choice to come home then they usually settle down. Being a military family I know a great many children who board at the best schools in England. I very rarely hear of children being unhappy. Its usually the parents who find it hardest.no child I have spoken to have felt abandoned ot traumatised at being left at boarding school as they are in constant contact with their loving families. In my experience it is not something that people talk openly about, but it is something I have personal experience of in my family and it is nothing to do with whether you have a loving family or supportive parents or whether you can choose to leave when you want or whether you are there to follow your dream. Some people are affected, often later in life and most are considered to be very articulate, highly successful and high achieving adults without any apparent issue. For those who may be interested, a lot of work has been done on this subject by several psychologists, including Joy Schaverien and I post a link to her page below: Probably the most informative article is the pdf file link called 'lost for words'. http://www.joyschaverien.com/index.php?ID=64 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I thought that this topic was about how to survive homesickness not abandonment etc. gosh shoot our newby parents down when they are already trying to come to terms with their children persuing their dreams, they will never adapt with the added label of abandonment being added. Your researchers will have case studies regarding the effects of boarding schools, probably fostering, long hospital stay when parents were not allowed to stay etc Ribbons. However there are so many successful stories of children thriving and growing in our vocational schools. If we are helping parents or children to survive homesickness perhaps we should stick to the positives. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
primrose Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I think boarding school's are hugely different from 20 years ago. I do speak to people my age group who hated boarding but their own children's experiences are very different. House parents these days are very loving and caring and very sensitive to the needs of their charges and families. I believe my children are very privileged indeed to have attended boarding schools. They themselves say that they had a fantastic time. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billyelliott Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Oh dear! Could we have a separate thread for "abandonment issues" and psychological trauma resulting from boarding ...PLEASE! Boys especially have a hard time being ballet dancers in normal schools and the only boy in their ballet class . We have chosen vocational school as the best avaliable option that offers a chance of happiness and fulfilment for a child who would rather die than not dance! This is just a time of adjustment ! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
<3 ballet Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Well said billyelliot I was a dancing girl who went to normal school and was so bullied for it, I hated school and everything about it. If it good for our kids why not give it a try. Sure it will all settle down think we have just got to give it a time. Our dd will not get of FaceTime etc which is bad in another way, but last week she was on for ten min then went and we were "yes, she wants to be with her friends" so it's hard all different ways. But at least we can say we are giving our dc the best chances that we feel are rite for them in an environment with like minded friendly supportive peers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Two weeks ago during her first full week at vocational school dd was sent a series of text nessages telling her to F off no one likes her & go F off & die. They were sent by children at her previous school who made her life a misery. Some dancing children are if course lucky enough to be popular at their normal school with lots of friends & support. Some, especially boys have an awful time. We are not sending our children away (luckily for us dd doesn't have to board but life would be easier if she could) but allowing them to pursue their dreams & go somewhere they actually fit in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinMM Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I wrote my last post in response to another post which seemed to suggest that nobody went to a boarding school had any problems!! My last post is a prime example to me of the very scenario when problems can occur....no choice....no contact with parents except main school holidays....and problems of the children not listened to. This was another era of course and I'm sure all boarding of whatever type has improved enormously in meeting children's needs as someone above has posted. However we have got a bit off topic so won't be posting here again unless its about nice things to ward off homesickness......like having hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows(Billyelliott ...now you have made me have a craving for this!!) Maybe making nice cakes etc all ready for their next return is a nice thing to do. What is his favourite ballet at mo .......could be nice and time consuming making a Jane Asher style cake with a ballet theme.....could be the set for swan lake!!! Or whatever. Actually that Jane Asher book made me laugh as I think it had the word "easy" in the title somewhere. Brilliant though they were definitely not easy!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aileen Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 As Primrose says, boarding schools today are very different from what they were like 20/30 years ago when they were much more spartan, in terms of both the physical environment and the care of the children. There are children who don't thrive at boarding school but there are also plenty of children who don't thrive at their day schools for a variety of reasons. I feel quite cynical about this recently coined condition of Boarding School Syndrome. Picturesinthefirelight, those texts are horrific! Your poor daughter. Does she know who sent them and are you going to do anything about them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billyelliott Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Lin if I could invite you over to join in our Hot Choc , whipped cream and marshmallows , I know DS would love to share the moment with you - I hope you know my comments were not aimed at you! I can just imagine the stories about dance you would have to tell him , and he would probably have 2 more hot chocolates before he could finish telling you about his dreams - he is particularly excited about doing the Nutcracker with the BRB in the next couple of months ! What fabulous opportunities there are for out DC's these days ....... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 The high school these children have gone to have traced the perpetrators (but they haven't told me they've traced them - a friend whose dd is in their class gave me the names) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aileen Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Well, I hope that the perpetrators will be severely reprimanded by the school at the very least. Why on earth do girls (I'm assuming that they *are* girls) say such horrible things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billyelliott Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Oh Pictures how very sad and shocking ! I'm so sorry - my DS was in receipt of similar hate texts till I intervened and informed their mothers ! The offenders had their i message facilities shut down ! Jealousy is such a horrid thing , I'm so glad that your Dd is now in a supportive environment and she must feel as does my DS at least to a large extent free at last ! - though there will always be bullies in life .... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aileen Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Billyelliott, how did those mothers react when you told them about their children's texts? I would be very upset if either of my children ever sent texts like that. I do wonder whether social media brings out the worst in children and adults alike. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesinthefirelight Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 So sorry to hear your ds went through it too It really upset dds best friend as shed given her number out innocently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billyelliott Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Aileen - they seemed genuinely horrified and they have not allowed their children any further contact , but some were only 9 and 10 so why were they not supervised one has to ask ! Sadly some were from other dance schools . I was very sad that DS refused to invite even one child from his school to his leaving / Birthday party . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 The police are really clamping down on this type of bullying, may I suggest that you keep these texts as evidence if they start the bullying again. I really hope they don't and that it has been firmly nipped in the bud. So glad that your daughter has settled well into her new school. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinMM Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Perhaps I could celebrate with a marshmallow hot chocolate with you when I get my leg to 90(another thread)!! How wonderful for your son to be in the nutcracker hope you will get to see it too. Sorry to hear about the texts....kids can be so,mean sometimes its usually out of jealousy of course. No doubt they will regret it themselves later on. It's often one ring leader egging others on...no excuse of course. Anyway when he's flying around the stage at Christmas it will be long forgotten hopefully! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hfbrew Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) Im really upset that anyone especially children should send such texts. Am even more outraged having met your lovely daughter pictures, please send her a hug from me and remind her how popular she was with all her fellow dancers in August! Back to homesickness- we too found hot chocolate and cake great visiting or going back treats to store in memory banks. And I felt motherly pleasure at sending silly things in the post- ds liked getting them! In my case though it was definately reverse homesickness! Incidentally I was once VERY judgemental about boarding schools due to close contacts. Thank goodness I didn't let my opinions stop ds from going.And all doubts were quickly dispelled. Not everyone will thrive in any environment that is true. But I quickly realised that for many, boarding school is the best place for them and things are nothing like they were 20+ years ago. And whatever personal experience one might have of family or friends boarding experiences, if you and your children have not chosen the vocational boarding route themselves, then great it does show a viable alternative training option. But it does NOT give a right to make gloomy predictions or judgements to those currently on this brave journey. Any one can get homesick, its a natural feeling just as knowing whats right for ones children- and for many this is vocational boarding. Edited September 29, 2013 by hfbrew 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audsjcanuck Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 It's been a few years since for us but there were a few occasions dd called to say she missed her mommy in her first year. Every time she called with those words, my heart would ache and I would call first opportunity the next day just to be told "I'm sorry mom, I was too tired... I'm fine now!" If I had a day off, I would take a train in and surprise her with dinner out. We talk daily and have since the beginning of this adventure. My attitude is that she is in a great place and loving life but never ever did I give up my role as parent and primary caregiver therefore I expect to communicate with her on a daily basis. If she or I are busy, sometimes it's just quicky "love you goodnight!" but most often it's a semi detailed run down of our day .... as if we were chatting at the dinner table. If she gets caught up with her friends, I simply remind her that I pay for that fancy phone and if she doesn't use it to call her mother, then there is no point in her having it! Usually not a problem though September was always the hardest for me as she can't wait to get back to school and I have to face another year of empty nest. January was her difficult month the first few years. Post Nutcracker, everything seemed a little gloomy. Now as a teen, there always seems to be something exciting to look forward to.... and I've learnt to enjoy some of the advantages of empty nest 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 It may be a comfort to some of you to know that severe homesickness is not limited to young children. My friend's dd has just started Uni - her first choice Uni and the course she wanted - and has been phoning home in floods of tears several times a day, desperate to come home. She's a confident, sociable girl but is *hating* being away from home. After a week she has been able to get through a day without crying. What has helped her have been calming and reassuring ears at the end of the phone, giving her small goals and breaking up the time into smaller chunks. It seems to help when the thought of a term away seems too daunting. And of course hot chocolate - best remedy for all sorts of woes. :-) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BankruptMum Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Yes its not so easy for the Uni students as a lot of them have to work weekends, are overloaded with deadlines or financially unable to keep returning home - a term is a long time when your not used to being away :-( 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hfbrew Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Yes its not so easy for the Uni students as a lot of them have to work weekends, are overloaded with deadlines or financially unable to keep returning home - a term is a long time when your not used to being away :-( Very true and I think it can be worse for these young people who are expected to be more independent too. As dh said when I told him about this topic, University is grown up boarding school - most people have to go away from home at some point! But it can be so much harder for young adults for al the reasons BankruptMum describes. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinMM Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cakes-Fun-Jane-Asher/dp/0743275721 Here is the Jane Asher cake book (or one of them) for anyone who's up to it!! its called cakes for FUN! (Not easy as first thought) but same difference....any of these for FUN would be my challenge to Einstein!! But I think some of you out there are dab hands at this sort of thing by the sound of it! There just could be the perfect cake there as a welcome home prezzie!! For those with older children there's an even more challenging book!! Plenty here to ward off the blues!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinMM Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 http://www.janeasher.com/category/adult-cakes/ Now these are a challenge I didn't realise that she had a shop in Chelsea in London so if you live near enough you could cheat I suppose! So to ward off the blues about DC's being away : A trip to London (or nearest town with theatre) Go to Ashers shop...buy cake(or order online) Have a hot chocolate with marshmallows(or similar treat) Go to see a play or ballet(if the reminder won't set you off into floods) Look forward to arrival and then sharing of cake that you of course did yourself!!! To anyone who doesn't want to cheat .... Make the cake....then go and celebrate as above but instead of going to shop treat yourself to a new something or other as reward for being brilliant enough to complete such a feat!! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyG Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Our Saturday boy has just gone of to Leeds uni and said he wouldn't see his family for 3 months as he wouldn't be able to get home. A long time when it's your first time away from home. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BankruptMum Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Loving to cake book - think it may have to go on my Christmas pressie list! Thank you It is such a long term for them isnt it - leaveout weekends now seem like a bit of a luxury, let along weekend visits! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
along for the ride mum Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) http://www.janeasher.com/category/adult-cakes/ Now these are a challenge I didn't realise that she had a shop in Chelsea in London so if you live near enough you could cheat I suppose! So to ward off the blues about DC's being away : A trip to London (or nearest town with theatre) Go to Ashers shop...buy cake(or order online) Have a hot chocolate with marshmallows(or similar treat) Go to see a play or ballet(if the reminder won't set you off into floods) Look forward to arrival and then sharing of cake that you of course did yourself!!! To anyone who doesn't want to cheat .... Make the cake....then go and celebrate as above but instead of going to shop treat yourself to a new something or other as reward for being brilliant enough to complete such a feat!! Some great tips here, although I'm definitely more of the cake buying type than the cake making type! As a newbie mum, I think I'm doing fairly well so far. The knowledge that dd is in the place she wants to be and loving every minute ( she keeps telling me while apologising for not being homesick and telling me that she does love me and likes home but wants to be at school more) helps! However, my lovely thoughtful husband decided to treat me on the first weekend she spent at school and bought tickets to Billy Elliott!! Great, I 've always wanted to see it........I spent most of the evening in tears!!! He assumed it was the letter from mum scene, NO, the whole thing of White Lodge auditions and the arrival of 'the letter' we're more than poignant for me never mind the reprise of the letter song when he says goodbye!!! Bless him, so well intentioned! I must have looked like a nutter Edited September 30, 2013 by along for the ride mum 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon2 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Reading back through through this thread what strikes me is that it is irrelevant what age your dc is when they leave home be it for vocational school, uni of first jobs they will at some point suffer from homesickness, maybe not in the first few weeks but inevitably at some point when it all feels overwhelming for them. And as parents we will struggle to deal with their and our emotions. My dd has at various points through her time at vocational school suffered with homesickness. We have in the past had some very distressing journeys back to school but when we talked to her about leaving she was determined she would give it another few weeks or term, she always knew we would support her whatever decision she made. She looks back on those times now and says that she knew it was hard and upsetting for all of us but she is so pleased she stuck it out. At the moment she is settled but I know that a few days, weeks or months down the road she could suffer again but we have all learnt strategies to cope. DDs is knowing that they are normal feelings and will pass eventually, ours are trying to make conversation with her about anything and everything as long as it doesn't involve school plus I have a stash of postcards/goodies (socks,sweets,stickers) that can easily be put in the post at short notice to give her a boost. Billyelliot you will work out what works best for you and your ds but do hold on to the fact he is coping well at the moment and he will not be alone in his feelings or you yours. Chat to the house and medical centre staff they will let you know if they think he is really struggling more than they would expect - I have had my share of these calls - and will be alert to helping him deal with his feelings. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
along for the ride mum Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Great tip about he stash of goodies, Jane. I'm well aware that we've been fortunate so far but it may not always be thus. I have always thought that the second term would be harder for dd. The excitement of the new experience will be wearing off, Christmas will be over and the days Will be short, dark and gloomy, so I will stock up on postable treats and baking ingredients! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billyelliott Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 Thanks Jane! That's so helpful???? He was asking for some snail mail -so maybe I will get together a lightweight encouragement parcel xx 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon2 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Snail mail is aways much appreciated. I try to put something in the post at least once a week even if it is just a postcard and the only news I have is about the weather or pets, really helps to break up her day if she comes back to house to find something. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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