Homesickness

[hfbrew]

Too much psychology for my liking ! Its a bit of an insult to people with real abandonment issues !

Yes and I have sadly met many with such issues but not necessarily because of being sent away to boarding school. (and I do of course know that for some this is exactly the case and not always for their best interests but for others)

But I have taught many youngsters who have sad family issues such as neglect or abuse- a far cry from all of us here who make every effort to what is best for our own children whatever it may be and are prepared to help with homesickness issues in whatever situation.

[Billyelliott]

<[quote ="hfbrew"

So we should all think of ways to cope with homesickness rather than doubt ourselves for the well intentioned decisions we have made to help our wonderful children have the best opportunities that we can manage.>

 

This was what I had in mind when I first asked about homesickness !

It seems only natural that there will be times when home is missed , but how it manifests itself in different individuals , what triggers the emotions and how best to manage them healthily while keeping in touch etc.

( and how to prevent reverse home sickness causing extreme distress to parents !)

We can forever weigh up the pros and cons of boarding , but it's more encouraging to hear of how others have found ways to make it work for the good of parents and children !

 

Thanks everyone for all the shared experiences and advice ???? keep them coming .

 

(DS and I have had a good long chat on the train and come to an agreement that for the sake of my sanity he will call me twice a week - Tuesday and Sunday and a short news text at about 7pm every day , and I shall leave him in peace apart from that if he keeps his end of the bargain !

I'm sure he will forget , but we will set reminders on his phone ......)

 

Edited to say sorry I have not figured out how to quote properly !

Edited September 27, 2013 by Billyelliott

[hfbrew]

Sounds like a good plan billyelliot

 

I still suffer a bit from reverse homesickness but at least my ds seems to realise I need to hear from him occasionally.

 

And its made me more thoughtful towards my own mum. I still feel a bit guilty at how she used to complain that I never bothered to let her know I was safe when I went back to Hammond by train...Im afraid it just didnt occur to me!

[balletla]

Sorry if people didn't like my post but felt it important to say that it's not always just about dealing with a bit of homesickness. I have met some people, old and young, from both vocational and non-vocational boarding schools, who have ended up being seriously affected by their time away, sometimes despite appearing to be happy and thriving to their loving parents and even believing themselves to be happy and thriving at the time. 

 

Clearly these people are in the minority, but the issues when they occur are real. That's not to say you shouldn't let your child go away, but it is important to understand what some of the potential issues could be.

[Anna C]

Firstly, as others have said, I think there is a vast difference between those young children who are sent to boarding school against their wishes, and an 11 year old gaining a much wanted place at Vocational school. If it is very much what that child wants, the likelihood of feeling abandoned must surely be much less.

 

Secondly, you are of course entitled to your opinion, but had I just dropped my beloved child at Vocational school and was feeling emotionally fragile, I personally would not have wanted to read that I could be causing her psychological problems in later life. Perhaps you phrased it in an unfortunate way but it did feel a little like scaremongering.

[Guest Autumn days]

Most children at 11 don't really know what they want. They may be swept along by the excitement of vocational school nd being a dancer but they cannot possibly know the implications of this and many may not even have thought through how they would feel about being away from home.This may still even be true at 16 but probably less so but I am afraid that if a child goes to boarding school at 11 the parents are making hat decision as much as the child, although I do understand the 'what if?' scanario if they don't go.

 

Some children that go to vocational school will have 'issues' either at the time or later and this is a fact. It is also a fact that some children that dont go away will have issues. It is down to individual character and circumstances but I suspect that it is not evident who will be affected by 'abandonment'or other issues until the decision has been made.

 

I am talking as a parents of a child that succwsfully auditioned for several schools at yr 7 but who decided they were not yet ready to go away. We will be on the audition circuit again soon for 6th form.

[charlie4dancin]

My heart aches when I read your posts I've avoided reading it myself thinking it would dig up old wounds but have found reading almost refreshing... As most on here know my dd went to vocational school y7 last and was very unsettled and dare I say traumatised by the whole experience probably triggering her illness (so i was told) for a good 6/7 months don't get me wrong she loved the school and dancing but couldn't cope with boarding at all... Friendships and food being great factors but simply not having mam and dad and coming home on an evening was by far the worst!! Saying that on reflection now a year on we/she are glad she tried it so now she knows and wont be left wondering for the rest of her life "WHAT IF?" The top and bottom of it it doesn't suit everybody and we shouldn't be too quick to judge what direction people and their dc choose to take... Thankfully she is all the stronger for it now granted it has took a year but she is back were she wants to be and thankfully dancing is still her life and she has lovely new friendships too. I continually remind her that her strength and qualities will shine though and that things do happen for a reason and its life all part of growing up!! Good luck to those dc away at vocational school etc and remember to make the most when they are home which isn't much because before you know it they have grown up

[LinMM]

It is the open lines of communication which is so important and which is expressed beautifully in mum in a spins post! You say your daughter successfully auditioned but then didn't go BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL READY. So she didn't go and this is good negotiating!! But I'm sure if she had wanted to you would have let her. She wasn't coerced against her will inspite of the obvious effort put in to gain a possible place. To me that is a healthy situation because the child is being listened to. You can only persuade so far!

 

And if a child is swept up into the excitement of it all (and this is possible to happen to an eleven year old) and then regrets this decision later hopefully the child after giving it a really good go but still unhappy would be removed.

Most children post eleven can communicate whether they are in a bit of a rough patch or are more seriously unhappy IF THEY ARE USED TO OPEN COMMUNICATION....which luckily these days they mostly are. If a child was just having a down time....and honestly who doesnt.....vocational school or not.....and mum or dad said do you want to leave then.....they would probably be aghast!! But if the child was very unhappy they would be asking a lot to go home. I'm sure most parents could tell the difference!!!!

[charlie4dancin]

LinMM...

 

We certainly knew the difference and dare I say had we made/forced/told (I'm at a loss for the right word) her to stay then we would be left judging ourselves as parents!!! I feel we would still be dealing with the consequences now!?!

 

Cx

[Belljul]

Really great reading everyone's honest feelings on this subject. It is always an emotive topic. The bottom line is that it is different for every child and every parent. I almost persuaded my youngest son to leave when he failed to settle and was very unhappy. I really thought it was wrong for him. However he refused to leave and is now loving his life and glows with energy when we see him. Thank goodness he knew his own mind. Billyelliot, glad to hear you have come to an arrangement that will keep you sane. I do believe it is important that our kids learn to be thoughtful about our needs as parents, as it is healthy for them to remember "its not all about them" all the time. Hope it gets easier. I'm pretty sure it will.

[Tulip]

My daughter used to miss home a lot, but I would always tell her she could come home. Her response was I miss home but I want this so much, I have to do it. To get around this missing home, we were lucky enough to bring her home up north every other weekend. Our daughter strangely missed the culture of northerners, she said there was a difference, an odd comment to make. Don't get me wrong she also enjoyed being around children from all over Britain and parts of the world, but she missed the northern humour and friendliness.

[Lisa O`Brien]

I very nearly "sent my son away" to non-vocational Boarding School in Dublin a few years ago. His aunt and uncle were the ones who suggested it.They were going to pay for it too [i think the fees are 4,000 Euros a term which doesn`t include Uniform or any school books]. I often wonder if he would have, in a sense, become a different person had he gone? I guess we`ll never know. But knowing what I do now, and how much he hated going to the local High School [even though he chose that specific school that he wanted to go to ]. I would have sent him. I SHOULD have sent him. He said at the time it would ruin his life if he was sent away. I`m sure a lot of that would have been down to homesickness. But I also know it would be because this school [The King`s Hospital,Dublin], would have been very strict. No dossing around much on the XBOX,and up at 7AM. !! Anyway he didn`t ,stayed at the local Catholic High School,which has an excellent reputation,he got his 7 GCSE`s, and he`s  doing his college course [which he is really enjoying,thank God], so all has turned out well in the end. But those 5 years at local school were tough, getting him to even go in sometimes. Just so relieved it`s all over. But if I had to do it all over again,I would definately, without hesitation,have "packed him off" to Dublin [which is only an hour away on the train from us anyway]. It was one shot he was given, the opportunity of a lifetime really,considering i`m a poor single parent, for him to get an exclusive, priviledged education, and I should have taken it . Although today, he might hate my guts, so it makes you think.! The good thing is, his aunt and uncle set up a Trust Fund for him,just shortly after Sean`s father died when he was 10 in 1997,and as far as I know, there`s a good few grand in it. So even though he didn`t go away, his aunt and uncle are still kind enough to be investing in his future, which is just magnificent of them, considering they already have 3 grown up children of their own.

Sorry,that should say when Sean`s father died when he was 10 in 2007.He was BORN in 1997.!

[LinMM]

I agree Belljul that children do have some responsibility in this and cannot be too much to ask for a weekly phone call or daily quick text maybe!!

I think there was a stage in my teens and early twenties (older I know) but just after I had left home so to speak when I didn't call as much as I could have done. I didn't realise my mum in particular was missing me around so much.....I was busy blithely establishing my new independence but poor mum was suffering from daughter loss!!

 

I suppose all parents go through this at some point when children finally leave home. A sort of reverse homesickness. And when the parents feel abandoned!! But from mid twenties on visited them much more and did lots of things with just me and my mum in the end.

 

Anyway Billyelliott I hope all your strategies work so that everyone feels happier.

[hfbrew]

My heart aches when I read your posts I've avoided reading it myself thinking it would dig up old wounds but have found reading almost refreshing... As most on here know my dd went to vocational school y7 last and was very unsettled and dare I say traumatised by the whole experience probably triggering her illness (so i was told) for a good 6/7 months don't get me wrong she loved the school and dancing but couldn't cope with boarding at all... Friendships and food being great factors but simply not having mam and dad and coming home on an evening was by far the worst!! Saying that on reflection now a year on we/she are glad she tried it so now she knows and wont be left wondering for the rest of her life "WHAT IF?" The top and bottom of it it doesn't suit everybody and we shouldn't be too quick to judge what direction people and their dc choose to take... Thankfully she is all the stronger for it now granted it has took a year but she is back were she wants to be and thankfully dancing is still her life and she has lovely new friendships too. I continually remind her that her strength and qualities will shine though and that things do happen for a reason and its life all part of growing up!! Good luck to those dc away at vocational school etc and remember to make the most when they are home which isn't much because before you know it they have grown up

I am so glad your daughter is recovering and thank you so much for sharing your story.

Its important for all of us to realise that boarding for some will not work out. There will no doubt be others who will need guidance from you and your brave daughter as to whether a bout of homesickness is actually an indication that they would be better at home or a different school. I do find it reassuring that your daughter is grateful to you for being allowed the opportunity to try it though.

 

And whilst Ribbons words may well have been off putting it does highlight the need to be fully prepared for such a big step as vocational boarding school at 11. As someone has said its easy to be swept along by it and some children may not really know that its what they want. For example one of my pupils is a talented ja but I can see that vocational school next September is that step too far at the moment. But my ds would have probably have walked to WL - it was entirely his choice (our own plans were quite different.)

All this from a simple question on bow to deal with homesickness!

[JulieW]

It's a good point about 11 year olds getting swept along with the excitement of it all - that's why we made sure we reevaluated each year at appraisal time about whether we were doing the right thing. Our hand was forced when he was assessed out of year 9, but fortunately we'd already been talking about the "what ifs" and about what he really wanted. For our ds his determination to be a professional ballet dancer grew with each passing year.

[Evie]

There's no point trying to get away from it, that dc who go to vocational school at 11, go because WE parents have let them!! I struggle every day with this, I took my ds to his first ballet class, I took him to all his audition's and I sent him away to vocational school! If he'd never danced, he'd be home now, where he should be, with all his older siblings! It's like we're on this conveyor belt and can't get off now, I'm as guilty of that as any dancing parent. I do know lot's of dancers though that didn't go away at 11, I envy them and their parents. I've also heard of parents who make their children or at least coerce them into going away at 11, shame on you! It really does have to be 100% the dc choice, I speak to my ds at the end of every term and give him the options if he would like to give up and come home. So far I get a resounding no every time, he's quite determind to see it through to the end and make a career out of it. I can't knock him for that! He is definitely a different animal to his siblings, as I think back to when they were 11, not one of them would have coped being away at that age, but I knew he would. I don't have the answer to it all, but I know that I miss him so much.

[balletla]

It's not just the children that get carried away, more often than not it's the parents, friends and family. Virtually everyone thinks that any girl offered a place at 11 is destined to be the next Darcey Bussell.

 

Having watched my DD's year group progress through their ballet journeys over the last 6 years. I am convinced that if you are going to make it, you will make it regardless of whether you go away at 11 or not. So many who went at 11 either left of their own accord, got assessed out or reached the limit of their ability to progress any further in classical ballet and so chose another route.

 

And so so many who have gained places for 6:1 this year have never been away or went at 14. I know people say they don't have enough access to high quality training but I think people over-estimate what is required. My DD and many of her peers did just two classical classes a week and a good associate scheme and summer schools and they got places at good voc schools, including one who got into RBS. The ones who didn't probably wouldn't have even if they'd gone away at 11. It really is quality not quantity.

[Anna C]

I do agree with you Ribbons; it isn't a pre-requisite to go to full time lower school to have a ballet career - thank goodness!

 

But this thread was about dealing with homesickness so let's try to keep it to practical advice and help for those DCs who are missing home - and those parents who are missing their children.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

And for some of us (though dd doesn't board she would if we could afford it) our dc are happier at vocational school than at ordinary school where they felt odd/didn't fit in etc.

[audsjcanuck]

I am kinda screaming inside. Not sure the OP needed this to turn into such a heavy topic.

As a parent of a dc who went to vocational school at 11 and is now in her 6th year, I cry foul at what I see as negative commentary. Abandonment? Harsh.

 

abandonment - withdrawing support or help despite allegiance or responsibility.

 

Pretty sure there is not a dance parent out there in this day and age that fits that description or any other definition for abandonment.

 

As a parent it is your responsibility to gauge your childs needs, wants and desires and how best to help aquire them.

 

If I chose to not work with my daughter with hers, yes she would be at home and I could justify that choice in many ways. But the consequences would be detrimental in so many ways.

 

Enough said.

[HAIRBELLES]

Do you really think "virtually" all of us are that shallow?

So they left or were assessed out at least they took a chance. My elder dd did not choose a different route because she had reached her classical limits ,from yr9 she had decided that her new love was musical theatre a door that most certainly would not have opened up for her had she not been at vocational school.

 

I for one am under no illusions about my younger daughter and I always say to both my girls that " I want them to be the best that they can be" and if that's not good enough then so be it!

 

Hats off to your daughter Ribbons she has done/did more than well to secure a 6th form classical place! 

 

There are many reasons, lack of good local schools, fitting in enough classes with homework etc etc etc why a family may believe that vocational school is the better option.

 

We all have and are entitled to our own opinion based on our own or others experiences but I'm finding certain comments very judgmental!

 

The bottom line is ......they can always come home!!!!!!!

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Totally agree

[Anna C]

Yes, well said Hairbelles.

 

Now if we could please stick to tips and advice for helping homesickness! :-)

[Picturesinthefirelight]

If anyone would like to give some support the mum of a chorister is posting on mumsnet about homesickness.

[Billyelliott]

Prevention of home sickness-sitting in costa with DS , hot chocolate with whipped cream & marsh mallows (with bacon muffin ) just us 2 ! - A happy memory to hang onto till half term ....lovely sunny day in London - half way back to school - at least in time if not in miles !????

[LinMM]

Wish I had a good enough excuse for the hot chocolate with marshmallows!!

[audsjcanuck]

I have pomegranate juice, fresh raspberries and chocolate croissants baking in the oven, ready for when she wakes from the 12 hour sleep. First weekend home since school started!  Quality vs quanity

[Jan McNulty]

I'll pop on the plane to come over and share some!

[Tulip]

I've just had a lovely day and a half with my daughter. She requested that I made her some home made carrot cake and home made soup, which I did. In the evening we went to see BRB at the Lowry where she text her friend who was in it. She has gone back to London today loaded with three days worth of carrot soup ha ha. I asked my daughter did she feel under pressure to stay at vocational school, her response was I wanted and needed to go away. As for abandonment, she said that you as in me wanted me to come home, which unashamedly she was right. As a 17 year old she says it is so hard because she loves her school and her flat, but she also loves home so much. So long as she comes home regularly usually every three weeks, she gets the balance right.

[Tulip]

Just to add my daughter went away to vocational school aged 12.

[Billyelliott]

A much easier drop off today - I was even allowed to make the bed while he practiced his violin !

Now for the long bus/ train home alone - but happy I'm the knowledge he is where he wants to be !????

[Tulip]

So glad you feel more at peace with everything Billyelliot, the roller coaster won't feel as bad now, safe journey home

[primrose]

I think that as long as the children realise they have the choice to come home then they usually settle down. Being a military family I know a great many children who board at the best schools in England. I very rarely hear of children being unhappy. Its usually the parents who find it hardest.no child I have spoken to have felt abandoned ot traumatised at being left at boarding school as they are in constant contact with their loving families.