Just don't know what to do???

[balletmum20]

Please help or advise

 

My 8 year old daughter has just done her grade 1 exam, and got an amazing result of 97% , and she has always gone into her ballet class and the one above, she she was doing grade 1 and 2, now since she has done her exam, her ballet teacher told her to do grade 2 and 3, which was fine with us as that has always been the done thing, but one of the parents in the grade 3 class has completely gone off on one. About my 8 year old daughter going into a class with her 11 year old daughter, I watched the class today, and my dd, kept up with all the exercises and fitted in well within the class, I'm not quite sure what to do, do I take her out of the class even though my dd has been doing in for the past 4 weeks, and in my eyes kept up with the class and was just as good, or to save an atmosphere do I stop her doing the class above??

[Fiz]

No, don't do anything to stop your daughter! Are you the lady who was told by the examiner that her daughter was very special? The teacher invited your daughter to the class. She is there at her advice. This other woman is obviously jealous of your little girl's talent. I think the best thing to do is check that your daughter is not being upset by jealousy or negativity. If she is, I would talk to her teacher or perhaps mention the reaction of this woman anyway.

[Fiz]

Actually, now I think of it, my daughter was doing Grade 3 at the same age and no one made anything of it.

[Pups_mum]

I don't think it is anything whatsoever to do with the other mother. Your DD's teacher has presumably decided that this class is appropriate. I'm sure that you didnt smuggle her in without the teachers knowledge! If the other mother has a problem with that, then she needs to talk to the teacher about it, not have a go at you. Trying to see things from her point of view, it might be that she is concerned that having a younger child in the class will cause the teacher to go more slowly than the other students need, or that the teacher will spend a lot of time giving corrections to your daughter and focus less on others. But if she has concerns of thzt nature then the person to talk to is the teacher, not you. You shouldn't be expected to assess whether your child is in the right class, or anyone else's for that matter! Or maybe she's just jealous, but that isn't your problem either.

I would keep sending your daughter and if the other mother says anything else, just tell her that it was your teacher's decision and if she is unhappy then she needs to take it up with her.

Things like this can be very upsetting, but you've done nothing wrong. Try to stay calm and rise above it, and let your teacher know if problems persist. I hope things resolve themselves soon and that it doesn't affect your daughter's enjoyment.

[balletmum20]

Hi, yes I am the lady who the examiner said she was very special, my dd is aware of the ladies problem, as the lady has also told my daughters he should not be in that class, my dd does not seem bothered, as she is so focused what she wants to do, her teacher is very much I want you in the grade 3 class, I just spend so much time at the dance school, and really hate atmospheres or upsetting someone. X think some dance mums can just be the worse!

[grumpybearzuk]

My dd is 9 and in grade 4 I trust her ballet teacher to decide when she is ready for the next grade and if she thought she couldn't keep up and holding others back I am sure she would say something. Your dd ballet teacher must have thought she was capable enough otherwise she wouldn't have let her do it . Don't take her out just because a mum has problems with it if your dd is enjoying her lessons leave her where she is x

[aileen]

I agree with Fiz. Whether this mother likes it or not, it's the teacher's decision to admit your dd to the class and you should tell her (ie the mother) this firmly if she raises the matter again. I would hope that the teacher would notice if any negativity was being directed towards your dd in the class and put a stop to it. I wouldn't raise the matter with your dd directly as it might worry her; I would just ask her how she is finding the Grade 3 class and if she expresses any reservations question her a bit more closely then. It may be that she will have no trouble at all with this mother's daughter or with anyone else in the class. Children often just accept that some other (younger) children are more talented than them; it's the parents who get jealous.

[balletmum20]

Pups mum, that was one of my concerns that my dd would slow down the class, but after watching it today, it was not the case, she kept up with the rest of the class 100%, my dd also has a private lesson a week and in the lesson her ballet teacher seems to have brought her up to the standard of the rest of he grade 3 class, I really do think jealousy is the problem! X

[balletmum20]

You are all so right, and thankyou, think I just needed a bit of reassurance I was doing the right thing x

[aileen]

This mother was quite wrong to have told your 8 year old daughter that she should not be in the class. Normally, I'm not one to suggest that one should go running to the teacher whenever there's a problem. However, in this case I *would* speak to the teacher as this is a problem which really needs to be addressed by her as it concerns this mother's behaviour towards another child at the school as well as the mother's public and unpleasant criticism of the teacher's professional judgment.

[Aurora]

I agree with others, ignore her, it's none of her business!

[LinMM]

I agree with Aileen the mother had no right to say this to your daughter. She should go to the teacher if she really has such a problem with it. It is the teachers decision to put her in the grade three and as others have said not the mothers decision where your daughter should be!!

Sounds like she's a delightful dancer so onwards and upwards as they say and try not to let this bother you too much though I know how you feel in not wanting to rock any boats but there's no accounting for some people I'm afraid just unfortunate for you.

 

Interesting really if this was a swimming club and your daughter was a brilliant swimmer in the club team would there be a problem because she was 8 and another 11 I don't think so somehow!! 8D

[Moomin]

I can understand that the other mum may have concerns that a much younger child who has only just taken grade one is joining a grade 3 class. Is she aware that your Da

[hfbrew]

If I was the teacher I would want to know about this.  The other mum should be addressing her concerns to the teacher, not to you and definitely not to your dd who is clearly very special, in need of the extra lessons to fulfil her potential and is there at the invitation of the teacher.  Having had over 30 years experience teaching (crikey!) I can say that sometimes its older ones holding younger ones back, based on ability not on age!

 

Many years ago one of my bosses had a complaint about my own ds being with older students. He had joined in a class to keep another boy company (I didn't have boys only classes then.)  Fortunately my boss knew he wasn't holding the class back being already very capable and of course he ended up going to the Royal Ballet School...

 

Please make your teacher aware of this as it will help her take steps to ensure that the class atmosphere remains positive and also to avoid your dd being seen as teachers pet thanks to this jealous mums attitude.  And it could be that this other mums daughter may be rightly or wrongly feeling overlooked so the teacher needs to be aware of this as well to ensure all her pupils feel valued.

[Moomin]

I can understand that the other mum may have concerns that a much younger child who has only just taken grade one is joining a grade 3 class. Is she aware that your daughter is doing lots of extra dancing? Totally out of order to speak to you or especially to your daughter about it though, that is just spiteful. I presume she's doing the grade 3 class because her teacher only offers one grade 2 class so not much you can do other than ignore her, I'm sure it will all blow over during the summer holidays.

[balletmum20]

Moomin, my dd only has 1 grade 2 class there, so unless I take her to another school, which. Don't want to, that's why she does the grade above, but she also has a pl covering grade 3 in that class x

[Sharry01]

Hello - You must always do the best for your daughter (or son).  If this problem persists, I would refer this mother to the teacher - it is not your or your dd's problem.  The majority of ballet classes go on age and ability.  My dd took her intermediate foundation when she was 11 and she was the youngest there - the other girls just supported her and the majority of mums just thought she must be quite talented.  However, you will always get a few mums who are jealous and can't help making comments, but it is their problem - not yours.  You have nothing to feel uncomfortable about - it's a funny thing is talent.  I remember when my dd's dance school put on a showcase and my dd was in 7 numbers - another parents' child was in 2.  They withdrew their child from the School following the showcase as they felt they had been overlooked by the teacher and that it was unfair.  I don't think this was the case, only that the parent over-reacted.  So yes, you may be aware of other parents feelings, but never let them hold your dd back. 

 

Hope that helps.

 

Regards.

[Moomin]

I certainly wouldn't go elsewhere if you're happy with the teacher etc. perhaps say something to the teacher, no need to mention which mum is causing a fuss (for the sake of her daughter not the mum!) and she can address any reservations from parents. I shouldn't think most are worried by it though, you just get the odd person who likes to be unpleasant, if it wasn't about this it would be something else! Does the teacher offer extra lessons for quicker progression to all students or just those who she has identified as talented?

[2dancersmum]

I would be inclined to talk to the teacher as this mother is out of order talking to your daughter at all as even if your daughter appears not to be bothered it will have an impact on her if this woman persists because it must be quite intimidating to have an adult telling her she is doing the wrong thing and very easy for her child to pick up on it and start feeling she is being treated unfairly and your DD is being a favourite.  You obviously have a good teacher who treats the children as individuals and puts them in class on ability not age.  DDs teacher was the same and we had jealousy and resentment from some of the other parents - the children were usually not at all bothered by it - unless they heard their parents complaining - but even then DD had no problems from the other children.

[Anjuli_Bai]

Tell the other mother this was not your decision - it was the teacher's decision and therefore any questions should be referred to the teacher.

 

If the other mother starts to discuss, shout, yell, carry on with you -- just repeat - "Please address your concerns with the teacher."

 

And then.....

 

Walk away (go have a snack) and don't look back.

 

If the other mother starts to say anything to your daugher - your daughter should say: "Please address your concerns with the teacher."  

 

And then.....walk away.

 

Because someone is speaking to you (causing you trouble) doesn't mean you have to stand and listen to them.

 

If you can't get away - bring a book with you.  Something wonderful like: "War and Peace" or Churchill's 6 volume set about the Second World War, or Plato's Dialogues.

[Moomin]

I agree that I would just presume a younger child was talented & doing more classes because they wanted to pursue their dancing beyond recreational level. I don't think many parents would be too bothered or even particularly notice tbh. Unless it was a competition I would think it totally unfair for one child doing the same class as another to be given 5 dances more to do. Understandable to put the better ones in the front but they should all be in the same dances, if parents are all paying for classes I just think its fair, nothing to do with jealousy x

[amber21]

Hi balletmum20 I experienced something similar when my dd got into ja's and when she turned 9 the teacher invited her into the inter foundation class with older girls, the girls in that class were very supportive and lovely as was the parents however it was one of the parents from my dd's graded class who had become quite nasty making negative comments towards myself over a period of time, it is really hard to ignore especially when it is over a period of time and i finally did get to the point where I tried to speak with her about it, big mistake i was on the receiving end of quite an aggressive reaction. i now feel even more uncomfortable as this mother totally ignores me and my dd. i suppose it maybe more positive in that the comments have stopped but as sharry01 says its this persons problem, its just very sad and immature and unfortunate that the focus is on another child other than their own.

Good luck with this and try to rise above it.

Ax

[aileen]

Amber, it's not pleasant either way but I think that I would prefer to be ignored rather than be on the receiving end of constant negative comments. It must be hard for ballet teachers trying to balance the needs and aspirations of the once a week dancer with those of the really talented dancer who hopes to make a career in classical ballet. As for shows, whilst it's understandable that a school will want to showcase its best dancers I feel that giving one child 7 dances and another or others in the same class only 2 is rather unfair however good that child is and, whilst I would not have reacted the same way as that other mother, I can understand why she felt aggrieved. In a way, this thread is a mirror of the one about favouritism, and I have to say that IMO the teacher in this last example showed a lack of judgment and brought upon herself any accusation of unfairness or favouritism.

[Ja Sm]

Balletmum20, you have had some lovely supportive comments. I totally agree, your dd has every right to be there. You are not the one who pushed or asked for her to be included. She was invited, and that's very important. Stick with it. I personally hate bad feeling so really sympathise with you but it will ease in time. I would be tempted to carefully mention it to your teacher if the aggression or nastiness persists. I know our ballet teacher would want to know about something like this. I really hope the situation gets easier for you. Try imagining yourself in a glass bubble. You can be seen, but you are protected. Nothing can harm you or touch you. Works for me.

My dd dances with girls older than herself. It was a bit strange at first, but they soon saw that she was there because of her own merit. That was by invitation too. Always trust your teachers judgement. And continue to enjoy watching your lovely dter dance.

[Anna C]

I agree. I would also advise an ipod and headphones if you have to sit in a waiting area during class. Or even dropping your dd off and sitting in your car with a book if it's not too hot. That way you don't have to listen to other parents' competitive chatter!

[Tulip]

Would it be possible for you to just drop your daughter off at dance school and then just pick her up. You would then be able to avoid bitchy mums. I used to do this or I would wait in the car in between classes. Dance school was fantastic but some mums would stay in the waiting area all day bitching and gossiping, a horrible environment to be in. The one thing about vocational school is you don't meet other parents very often, so when you do it is usually very pleasant. As for shows at vocational school fairness doesn't come into it, but that is just the way it is and will be in the real world. The students from age 11 and up just have to push themselves, be willing to work hard and perform. Well done to your daughter and try and just ignore this silly jealous woman.

[pas de chat]

I agree with Tulip and try and avoid the bitchy mums.  I often find they are either berating the talented children or the teacher about one thing or another. Usually to do with who stars in the show, the costs of costumes, extra lessons etc.

[audsjcanuck]

When dd was 10, she attended the JA program in the city on weekends but we were too far away to attend weeknight classes so the school insisted on so many hours per week at the local school to maintain strength for beginning pointe work. Normally, local studio students would not do pointe until minimum 12yo but the studio owner was happy to let dd take extra ballet class as well as pointe as she knew my dd was 'going for it' and had all the elements. A parent overheard our registration day conversation and freaked on the studio owner as her 11 yo dd wanted pointe but at only one hour of ballet a week, was told she wasn't ready. I ducked and dodged parents for most of that year. Fast forward a few years and dd  has been at vocational ballet school for 5 years now. We have maintained a wonderful relationship with studio owner and most if not all the dancers and parents of that era are excited and interested in my dd's accomplishments and have long forgotten the bad feelings from the past. Duck and Dodge!!!

[Actsingdance]

There is a girl in dds class at the moment who is a couple of years younger. She keeps up fine and is one of the stronger ones ( we lift share with her)

 

As for number of dances in the show - you get one dance per class. So if you only do ballet you get one dance. Tap, modern, contemporary etc all get a class. Then those who attended Easter school get a dance and they might also hold a show class for a specific dance which say grade 5 and above may be invited to.

[Huddsballetmum]

Best advice I can give is to keep your chin up, your head down and your ears closed.  Jealousy is such an unattactive trait.  Don't let your child's obvious talent be tainted by small minded people.  Unfortunately you have just entered the world of the bitchy ballet mum, however there are many more who are lovely, supportive and caring.  Take heart that your dd is doing very well at something she loves and ignore the rest.

[balletmum20]

Thanks everyone for your support and advice, but it now gets worse, now my dd tap teacher had now asked her to do the grade and grade above, I really don't know if to laugh or cry, as the same ladies child is in that class! Thankgod we are near the end of term, hopefully in September if will all of calmed down xx

[Moomin]

Sounds like you will be spending a lot of time at the dance studios! I'm sure the other mum will find something else to fret about, do you see much of the other mums? Can you go have a coffee or something whilst she dances to get away frOm there?

[Billyelliott]

I have long ago decided to either drop and Run or sit in the car with earphones on ! Can't stand the gossip....

Next problem will be when you get other mums insisting that the teacher has recommended that your child does a duet with hers for some show or festival .....then it turns out that the teacher knows nothing of it !!

I get remarks left right and centre about Ds being excused rehearsal because of Ja's or the times being shifted to accommodate the trips to London which were after all a result of the teacher insisting he go to audition !

Sometimes you just have to be thick skinned and say that that's all been discussed and refer the complainers back to the teacher !

All the best ! I just hope that your Dd will tell you if the actual children make remarks , but in my experience its usually only the mums !