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Dancing Jealousies


Clara

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As a mum of two daughters aged 27 and 16, both have experienced this type of behaviour from their peers at some point when growing up and not just within the dance world.

My experience is that as parents we often want to jump in and rescue them when in fact one of the most important lessons we can teach them is how to resolve conflict and develop resiliance. Many a time I have gone in all guns blazing, tackling the other girls' parents and meanwhile the girls themselves have made up and are the best of friends again!!!

It does seem to be a part of female development and my friends who have sons have not had the same issues.

Of course systematic bullying is a different thing all together that does need the adults to take control.

As ever there has been some great advice on here and I hope things get resolved for your dd Clara.

Balletbun, your dd's experience sounds very different. Children and young people as they enter puberty and adolescence take risks, experiment, they desperately want to fit in with peers ,can be easily led and sometimes make the wrong choices where mistakes are made. They are still learning and developing and I find it hard to understand why anyone would think it would be different for those children and young people in vocational schools. Okay, they are talented, driven and focused but they are still children and young people who are going through normal developmental stages. I hope your dd, with your support can overcome this setback and continue to pursue her dreams.

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I recognise from my years as a teacher some of the posts which say girls who were once not good friends eventually become so. This happens more often than one might think.

Sometimes one child really wants to be friends with or in the friendship group of another....who does not recognise this equally......and this can be at the route of problems between the two. Once some sort of rapprochement between the two is made the problems disappear.

 

I like the post where the parent gave strategies to her daughter....approaching the fringes of a hostile group and making an effort to link in with them.....this probably took the power away from the main instigator....It was nice to know they then later became friends.

 

It is important I think to try to give empowerment to children whenever possible in difficult situations (as above). Even as adults

We can all become victims at times in life but soon learn that this is not a particular productive position to be in so develop the resources

to avoid this and children need a little help from us with this too.

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I have 6 children (yes, we do have a tv!), some dancing and some non dancing, 3 boys and 3 girls! So lot's of experience!! I have never interfered with any friendship problems and there have been many! Sometimes they were at fault and vice versa. I remember once when my very tiny dd was hit on the head by younger boys at her school and called a midget! Inside I was fuming, but she dealt with it herself and went and told the headmistress, I was very proud of her, especially as one of the boys mother was a teacher at the school!! All my children are independent and sociable, I am always here to listen and support them, but I believe where possible they should always be given the opportunity to deal with problems themselves firstly! I will step in if they ask me too, but I can't remember ever having to do that. I am usually needed for other things though, money, taxi services etc.......

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Hi everyone I thought I would share this it has inspired us ;)...

 

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good, after all, life is too short to be anything but HAPPY!!!!

 

WE did not our choice... It was theirs but on reflection our lives are so much better ;)

 

Cx

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Not condoning any of the behaviours at all but it occurs to me the class could be a bit mismatched if all but one of the girls are there for recreational fun and one there as a serious dancer. My son goes to a recreational trampoline class and when the serious kids turn up for a session it is not comfortable for him - he is bouncing up and down and they're doing back flips.

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I agree that, generally, children should try ro resolve friendship problems themselves. Systematic bullying is a different matter and needs to be addressed by the child's parent(s). The situation described above is slightly different though as the behaviour ocurred in a class setting in the presence of adults who have to decide how to deal with it. Did the unpleasantness continue outside the class or were the girls friendly again (ie it was one-off behaviour)? Girls can be incredibly "tribal" at school and, as Lin has said above, problems can occur when a girl tries to join another tribe which does not want her. Once girls leave school this tribalism seems to wane. However, it rears its ugly head again once the girls become mothers in the playground. Then the tribes become more nuanced but there are still the "popular mums" just as there were the "popular girls" at school. I'm not sure what makes a mum one of the popular mums; they're not necessarily the prettiest or the richest (although that certainly helps) and I don't know whether a popular mum always has a popular daughter. A lot of the same jealousies, arguments etc seen among girls at school are played out among the mothers at the school gates. I breathed a sigh of relief when my daughter started to make her way to and from school on her own.

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Tulte I guess the situation is a little different as the one aspiring dancer is my own daughter! I have told dd that my group will not benefit her professionally in any way and that at some point she will have to put it to one side especially if there is a clash with her more serious dance classes which I'm sure there will be eventually; but I have to say she is very loyal and does actually enjoy my classes which is in turn nice for me as I know we are an amateur group and at the lower end when it comes to ranking dance schools! I should say there are a couple of others in the class who are also nice little dancers and do take it seriously to an extent, just not on the same level as dd at the moment.
Aileen I agree that this behaviour can definitely spill into adulthood! I for one actually can't stand playground dynamics and try to avoid it at all costs!

One of the girls who seemed to instigate the giggling does also attend the same ballet class as dd (the one I also assist at) and I have noticed that in recent weeks when dd has approached the other child to partner up as they once always would, her friend often turns her back and scurries to be with someone else. I have asked dd if there has been a disagreement but she says no.

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Yes groups of mums appearing to be standing around and gossiping in playgrounds can seem intimidating at times!! But in most cases are usually absolutely fine on individual level!!

 

Sometimes it is the parents who do keep animosities going though when the children would like to be friends again.

 

One of the most difficult things I was asked to do .....on the demands of one parent in particular....was to try to keep two boys apart!! One was Turkish and one Kurdish. The trouble was during the day they got on fine and often played together but I had been warned on no account must they sit next to each other in class!! But then they often chose to be partners......and I didn't stop them.

One of the sets of parents I discovered didn't really feel that strongly about it....to my relief. But the other lady was incensed and went off to see the Head with threats of withdrawing the child and so on. Luckily the Head backed me up and in fact to his credit reminded her she had signed an initial agreement about general school policy and said if she didn't now agree with this perhaps it would be better to withdraw her child. Well no more was said after that and I like to think the boys remained good friends at Junior level at last before the sometimes rather more vicious values of the adult world started to impinge.

 

I know this is not about ballet but I think could be relevant in the context. Sometimes children can be wiser than adults on occasions and solve their own problems and at other times they need our help and it is hopefully the life experience and knowledge of us adults to discern when to intervene and when leave well alone.

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My dd joined a new dance school in year 7 and had two girls that made her life a misery.  At her academic school the girls where lovely. This new dance school the first girl ignored her, gave sweets and biscuits to everyone in the changing room except my daughter and she couldn't understand what she had done wrong. Eventually I had a word with her dance teacher and she said 'The girls problem is that dd had come from another school, joined them and is better than the said girl and that dd didn't have the problem the said girl did'. This made her feel a lot better, eventually we spoke to her lovely mother and all was sorted. The second....well.....like mother like daughter. Mother was one of these pushy mums. My daughter this my daughter that....yawn....... My daughter use to go to LJB and this girls mum said I want my daughter to go. I explained that she had to ask her dance teacher to put her forward, teacher said no but she still went ahead, got in and left after first term. Couldn't keep up with the point work! This girl was always making snyd remarks. Outcome........   Made my daughter a wiser and harder person in respect that when confronted with bitchyness she can smile nicely and say ..'ok', 'while she talking about me she is leaving some one else alone', 'haven't got time for this and walk away' and confront them in front of people NICELY and say 'why are you being like this'? I am so proud of her and I think it was good experience before going away to full time ballet school. Actually she is the youngest (just turned 16 when she started Ballet school)  and looks out for her colleges, she is 'Mummy D'

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Clara, it's very hard to watch your own child being snubbed in front of you. This pairing up business often creates anxieties both at school and at clubs/extra-curricular activities. If your dd says that she and the other girl haven't fallen out it may be the case that the other girl wants to spread her social wings a bit, but isn't being very sensitive about it, but still wants to be friends with your dd.

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