Family matters

[aileen]

Fiz, I think that you and your brother need to work together on getting appropriate help for your father and your mother. Perhaps Social Services do not realise that she has problems of her own (as yet unidentified in medical terms) and will not be able to give your father as much help as they assume she can.

[alison]

This will help to avoid crises such as your parents being threatened with having their electricity supply disconnected or running out of food.

 

With regard to that, I'd recommend getting them put on the utility companies' "at risk" register, which I think still means that they can't be cut off.

 

This may be your experience, Aileen but hardly any of this was offered to my parents.

 

I get the impression these days that you really have to push for this sort of thing, rather than wait for it to be offered

[Fiz]

It has been made clear to me by the hospital that my mother, and only my mother, will be involved in making decisions and she will only do what she thinks she wants to do or my brother suggests. Every suggestion I, or my husband made, was turned down.

[Jan McNulty]

Oh dear Fiz.  A chum of mine (he is an only child) found himself in a similar situation some years ago when his parents became unable to cope.  His Mum was ill and his Dad was very frail and old-fashioned so had never really cooked.  My chum arranged meals-on-wheels and a home help and his Dad turned them away.  Social Services attitude was that because his parents were both compos mentis, it was entirely their decision.

 

There's no easy answer.  Just know that all your friends are supporting you.

[aileen]

Fiz, sometimes there isn't much that you can do in this type of situation except wait and look after yourself. Others may disagree with this, but sometimes you have to withdraw a bit - easier said than done, I know - to preserve your health and sanity. It's natural to want to "get things sorted out" quickly but it may be better to let things lie for a while. I'm afraid that people will often only accept help once things have deteriorated to the point where they really cannot cope any longer, which may be painful to watch. You have my sympathy.

 

Edited for grammar.

Edited April 4, 2013 by aileen

[Fiz]

Thank you, dear Jan. Aileen, I think this is what I am going to have to do. When my brother goes back to China, all hell will break loose, I know, and I think this is slowly dawning on him too.

[Fiz]

My father is due to go home later today. This will be good for him, I think, as he is painfully bored and just seeing my mother cheers him immensely. It is as if she makes sense of the world for him. So I am very pleased for him. I have asked her to tell me if she can't manage and she says she will but she did not tell me that she has breast cancer for two years! As a result, I do not feel very hopeful about that! It's her 84th birthday today - poor Mum. I very much hope she will prove me totally wrong and I will have to eat my words

[aileen]

Fiz, your father will probably be happier and less disorientated once he is home. I hope that you manage to do something for your mother's birthday - difficult I know.

[taxi4ballet]

Mothers have a habit of not wanting to worry their children, or upset them.  Maybe this is why they are so reluctant to ask for help (and won't listen to even the mildest advice/persuasion), even when we can see only too well that help is sorely needed. 

 

My mother-in-law will only ever take advice from her hairdresser

[alison]

Mothers have a habit of not wanting to worry their children, or upset them.  Maybe this is why they are so reluctant to ask for help (and won't listen to even the mildest advice/persuasion), even when we can see only too well that help is sorely needed. 

 

Ugh, yes, tell me about it.  I don't think parents ever totally realise their children grow up

[Anjuli_Bai]

And how many children (grown or otherwise) enjoy taking advice from parents?  It goes both ways.

 

It seems to me that we spend our lives pulling away and then drawing near - only to pull away again.  Life pulls us one way and our hearts another.

 

 

The real trick is - it doesn't matter who gets the credit for the advice - you or someone else.  Allow the recipient to think it came from themselves.  Don't remind them of where it "really" came from.  Just say your piece - then walk away - don't wait for a response - allow space so the recipient of your advice  can save "face."  The answer/response will become apparent.

 

The meat of the matter is that our parents preside over us as we try to build our lives and we, their children, have the sad task of presiding over the dissolution of their lives. 

 

There is no way either road can be smooth. And none of this comes with a handbook. 

 

I wish, I wish.

[LinMM]

Am fairly new to this forum and am only just discovering all the topic threads here and just found this one. I can relate to many things said here. My mum died of lung cancer over ten years ago now but my dad just over 4 years ago and although there were awful aspects to losing both of them (ravages of disease etc) my dads was much more painful because I lost him twice....first to vascular degeneration which causes dementia and then when he finally died from a heart attack. He only really succumbed to the dementia in the last year of his life but it was difficult to deal with suddenly having to be "the parent" to my parent so to speak...especially my dad. I found that social services were not that keen to get involved while there is a son or daughter doing the main caring. And by the time I had finally managed to set things up it was too late. The main thing I had wanted to get going was wheels on meals as dad was just not eating properly. Of course being the generation he was this was virtually a no go area but eventually after months of trying managed to persuade him to try them for just three days a week. I told them not to ring him as he wouldn't remember we had arranged it. Unfortunately on the very first day they rang to "remind" him they were coming and of course he said he didn't want them and had never arranged it.....so that was that. I managed to engage the help of one of his neighbours in the end......who were all fantastic as had all known dad for years so were a godsend in the end as I could only go every weekend. Looking back there were some darkly comic moments too many to go into....like him describing his main meals to me on the phone every day(which I had left for him) and then arriving to see all the meals there and a fridge full of bread!! He must have accosted every neighbour and asked them to get him a Warburtons Toastie.......he seemed to live on bread and cheese. As I am an only child it was very hard work but at least I didn't have the problems some seem to have experienced here with siblings.....talk about rubbing salt into the wound! When he died one of my best friends said at least you won't have four brothers and sisters all shouting at you that you've got the funeral service all wrong!! Sympathies to all those going through all this right now.

[alison]

I found that social services were not that keen to get involved while there is a son or daughter doing the main caring.

 

Tell me about it .  It was suggested to me that I should dump the person concerned on social services' doorstep in order to get them to help me.

[Fiz]

The doctors have finally confirmed that my poor father does have Alzheimer's. Our house is supposed to go on the market early next week. With everything that has happened this week, I would like to dig a hole and hide in it ;(

[Jan McNulty]

Oh Fiz, I'm so sorry.  Sending you virtual hugs and kisses. Jx

[Anjuli_Bai]

Fiz - I wish you happier times.

[Fiz]

Thank you,dear Jan and Sheila. x

[Legseleven]

Thinking of you, Fiz. 'This, too, will pass' - but never fast enough, I find.

[Pas de Quatre]

So sorry Fiz, hope our community here will help you through.

[Fiz]

Thank you. I've emailed my brother but I haven't heard back from him yet.

[JulieW]

Hope you and your brother can communicate about this situation. Don't panic over the house move decision - nothing may happen for a while anyway and you'll have had a chance to think about this new news. xxxx

[Fiz]

My brother's been and is being a tower of strength! He is now in the UK for three weeks and in China for a week a month. He has told us to go. Mummy is much more cheerful, Daddy is now on Aricept and they have been offered help by the Social Services. He does not think they need that yet but he might be able to persuade my mother to take the helpers for the week he has to be away. I am much happier in my own mind but I am devastated for my poor father. I've always been his pet. I can't bear it for him. Please pray for him, if you are the praying sort. I would appreciate it, as I do your support, and I know my mother would. x

[Lisa O`Brien]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father,Fiz. Sending my best wishes.

[alison]

Oh, Fiz, I'm so sorry.  Will certainly keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[Fiz]

Thank you, the quays and Alison.

[charlie4dancin]

Fiz stay strong and I hope better times are coming your families way....

 

"FAITH is taking the first steps, even though you can't see the whole staircase."

 

Massive hugs

 

Cx

[Fiz]

Thank you, C4D. x

[mimi'smom]

You will be in our prayers here too  xx

[Fiz]

Thank you, mimi'smom.

[Legseleven]

Thinking of and praying for you x

[Fiz]

Thank you.

[aileen]

Rather belatedly, I'm sorry to hear of your father's diagnosis, Fiz. I'm pleased to hear that your father has been prescribed Aricept and hope that this will successfully slow the progression of the disease. It sounds as though everyone is working together now and I imagine that this has reduced some of the pressure on you.

[Fiz]

I'm no longer stressed, thank you, Aileen, but I am still rather concerned. My brother is going to have to find a job that does not involve international travel. Mum can just about cope but I don't imagine she will be able to as infinitum.