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Downside to vocational school


Evie
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Today is my ds 12th birthday, he is away at vocational school and we are too far away to see him today. No cards at home, no birthday cake, no presents here. His siblings are feeling sad also. We had a family get together, when he was home last weekend, we did presents and cake and candles then. It does not make up for him not being here today and I feel so sad, just like his first term. Well, if he's still there next year, I will be going to spend the day with him, no matter what, don't want to feel like this again. 

 

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Oh Evie! Sending virtual hugs of sympathy to you - it is so hard when they are away. The big things like birthdays the little things like tucking them in each night - there's no mistaking the big hole they leave. Hope he has had a wonderful day and that you get a good long chat with him tonight xxx

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Evie,

 

I hope the boarding house parents made the day special for your ds.

 

I think a lot of us can empathise with how you are feeling today. I always feel jealous of the parents who are close enough to take their dc out on for tea on their birthday!!

 

Take care

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what a lovely mummy you are, giving him the chance to follow his dreams,  I am sure he understands that you would love to be with him but you have both made sacrifices so that he can be there. You have done a wonderful thing , giving him all the supporr, encouragement and opportunities that have got him there in the first place, well done you!

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Aww, that is sad. I think the mums who have children away at school are very brave - I don't think I could do it. I bet your DS has had a whale of a time celebrating with his friends at school though. It's not long to half term now, why don't you have an "official birthday" for him when he gets home? He can be like the Queen and have 2 birthdays a year - what child wouldn't like that!

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Lots of us know how you feel - we were always lucky to at least see my ds on his birthday but most years he was performing in an end of year show so it might have just been a few minutes outside the theatre to hand over a cake and have a hug. We'd always then have his birthday celebration the following weekend when they had just broken up.

 

Lots of lovely comments on here - how you're feeling better knowing you're not alone.

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We've been lucky as DS birthday has always fallen in half term.  This year he thought he was going to be at school for his birthday got all excited then they had a 2 week half term and he was home as usual.  He was most disappointed as he wanted to celebrate with his friends at school.

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Thank you all, for your kind words. It's now almost 8.30pm, and a pre arranged skype between us hasn't happened, I can't contact him at all. He's not picking up his mobile either. So we havn't spoken to him at all today!! We speak every day, so this is very unusual. So I am feeling even worse now. Roll on tomorrow.

 

Edited: at 8.40......just skyped....feeling better. He's had a fab day and is totally unaware of my day!

Edited by Evie
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He's had a brilliant day, all the girls love him, he said!! (Well for today anyway, he'll be annoying them again tomorrow!!!) He felt a bit homesick this morning, but his friends were all there for him, especially the girls. He had a fab ballet class and the M&S cake went down a treat with all 20 odd of them. I feel happier. Thank you all for your kind words and thank god for forums like this.

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Feeling similar to you Evie its my dd's birthday tomorrow and for the 5 years she was away at vocational school/college I visited every birthday and this year she could be at home but has chosen to go and stay and go out in London (2 hours away from home!) with her friends she made at college!! She's all grown up now but still feels odd that I won't be seeing her! I'm meeting up for lunch with her on Monday though before she flys off for another week on tour!

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It's always amazing how differently the youngster sees the world.  We see it as a bigger picture (this particular birthday will not come around again)  and sometimes that makes us sad.  But youth sees it as "I'm happy today." 

 

And, that, refreshes us.

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I'm so glad your ds had a lovely day. 8 years ago my ds had his first birthday away from home- he too was 12. I remember ringing the houseparents to see if he was ok! Needless to say he'd had a wonderful time no doubt helped that I'd  arranged for three birthday cakes making him the most popular person in school that day! I will never forget the excitement and incredulity in his voice when he rang saying "wow, not one, not two but THREE bloody cakes!" He also liked the Tardis , Daleks and Cybermen I'd crudely iced on!

 

Its actually a happy memory and still makes me smile remembering the joy in his voice!

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It really doesn't get any easier, I have a 23 yr old who has relocated to Australia  and Christmas was really hard, I missed him being around and I also still miss the constant stream of his friends coming in and out every day! However, I do remind myself that I brought him up to be a confident, adventurous person who would seek to live his life to the full and (damn it) he's doing that! I console myself with the knowledge that he is having a fabulous time, with great friends around him, doing what he really wants to be doing with his life. I know when your son is 12 you'll probably be thinking that when he's 23 he's grown up and its different, trust me, it comes around all too quickly and it's not so different. He is still my boy, I still love him as much, I still worry as much! This parenting lark really is for life!!

 

I am so pleased to hear that you got to talk to your boy and that he has had a fab day (of course), 

x

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Ah hugs Evie :) over the years I've become very philosophical about birthdays!

As eldest daughter has birthday on 17th dec I've always made birthdays special so it felt different to Christmas, when reminiscing with DD, now 17, about birthdays I think the first she remembers is about 7yrs old! But all those cakes, parties etc you don't remember ??? Good grief!

Then when they're old enough to remember they hit teenage years and just want to be dropped off at party venue - then shocked when you say you have to stay and supervise - they'd rather spend birthdays with friends, parents are just so uncool.

But finally, you come out the other side and they turn round and say they'd like to spend the day/night/weekend with you and it's come full circle :)

So after that long ramble, I conclude that as long as they're happy, don't feel guilty!

Sx

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It`s my ballet-hating son`s 16 th birthday tomorrow. I asked him months ago what he wanted.He just said,"Nothing,just give me the money".!  He is spending it with friends around town,no doubt blowing said birthday money. Incidentally,last year,I produced a cake with candles on,singing "Happy Birthday" and he nearly blew a fuse.!!  I`ve remembered not to buy a cake this year; as he`s not a kid anymore.  His words.  Sigh.

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So glad that your son had a lovely birthday Evie. So many of us on this forum will understand exactly how you were feeling. It will become easier because you will know when it is his birthday next year, he will be having a good a time as this year. Lots of hugs sent.

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I feel very lucky that DS birthday is at the end of August so he's always at home (though being youngest in the year hasn't exactly been easy). It's when he's ill that I really feel awful that he's away- when I get the skype call early in the day so I know he must not be in class and he's lying wrapped in a duvet looking miserable- I can't bear it... DH keeps telling me I can jump on a flight to Washington any time to see DS but I know it's not really feasible (not just the expense but the other 3 at home needing looking after!). The other day I was in a coffee shop with my youngest and a woman my age came in with her teenage son and I just burst into tears completely out of the blue (I felt a right idiot sniffling away in the corner). DH explains it as being like bereavement- you go along feeling fine and normal and suddenly get a stab of pain that is almost physical as you are hit by the loss....

So sending lots of sympathy and also empathy- we all feel like this sometimes even tho' we know our DKs are where they want to be...

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Bless you all. It is hard at any stage of life as these transitions occur. It is grief and loss and like a beareavement but above all its perfectly normal and shows that you are human. I'm just glad nowadays that its ok to express your feelings and frailties and that we have places like this forum that we can share them instead of having to bottle them up and do the old 'stiff upper lip'! And when all else fails there's always wine! Cheers!!! Xx

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Oh blimey CeliB - I know what you mean. I have to try not to think about the last time I said goodbye to my ds in November. A hug outside a restaurant in Tartu, and then we just watched him walk off into the dark back to his flat while we went back to our hotel (an early flight the next day - there was no way he was getting up early on his day just to see us off!) He didn't look back but I just kept watching him walking off into the distance :'( Sets me off every time - thank goodness for Skype

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