Vocational nerves

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

Help!

 

My DD is going away to vocational school in September (Y7). She’s been dreaming of this for so long and is excited….. but she is also really teary about leaving us and her friends and her whole life changing. It’s getting so close now and we’re not really talking about it much (which I’m not pushing) as she just gets upset each time. 
 

We are going to have to think about packing soon and I’m dreading it as it’s clearly going to be hard for her to do rather than exciting. 
 

I’ve told DD that this is perfectly normal and if I had any doubt whether we were doing the right thing I’d say so… but I really need someone to tell me this is all normal as it feels like I’m making her sad with the things we need to get organised 😢

[sunrise81]

Didn't want to read and run!

 

But I would say this is normal. My DD got upset when she was in her last week of term and writing goodbye cards to some of her friends.....not because she was leaving primary school, but because there were a couple of girls she was close to that she wouldn't see. And tbh she still gets a bit emotional when going back after the summer and Christmas holidays.

 

We went out for a special family meal to her favourite restaurant, the night before we took her to school for the first time.

[Betty’s mum]

Totally normal… I think the idea of it builds into a dream for years, but the reality if leaving home at 11 is huge & really not something any child of that age wants to do. We are going into yr9 & my DD would not swap for anything now, but still puts of planning to go back. Feel free to PM if you need advice or support xx

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

Thank you @sunrise81 and @Betty’s mum it is a relief to know that it’s normal. You see such excited happy faces posted on social media that it’s hard to know for sure if they all feel this to some extent, even though I’ve said to DD that they will.  
 

I think all our packing will be done in the last week and maybe on the quiet for the most part. 
 

I just hate seeing DD so sad x

[alison]

Never forget that social media is frequently fake - or at least not telling the whole story

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

6 hours ago, alison said:

Never forget that social media is frequently fake - or at least not telling the whole story

I tell myself that all the time! My rational head knows that’s the case but I just doubt myself sometimes 🙈. 

[Anon2]

I would say the nerves are completely normal and it’s good that you are aware of them. I think she will find everyone will be feeling the same to some extent although whether they show those feelings is another matter. I would be tempted to acknowledge her feelings, she might get upset but better than bottling it all up. Her friendship groups will change but they may have changed anyway with the move to a local high school. And there is no reason why she can’t keep in touch with friends out of vocational school, we found it healthy to see non dance friends in holidays. 

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

Thank you. We’re definitely acknowledging the feelings. She keep apologising bless her but I’ve told her it’s fine and to keep talking. 
 

Although I know her friendships will change the family’s of her two best friends are planning on going to take DD out for tea sometimes so I know they’re supporting us all the way and will help maintain the friendships. I’ve tried to explain to DD that she’s going to be adding to her friends but when she’s in this mindset not a lot helps. 
 

A large part of me thinks she’ll be fine once she’s there and will settle, the whole school environment is perfect for her both ballet wise and academically but it’s hard thinking about packing her off when she’s so sad at the moment. 

[MissEmily]

@SJBalletI know it must be distressing and worrying for you, but I think her response shows a certain level of emotional maturity and is healthy; she’s thinking ahead and expressing what a huge undertaking it is, rather than bottling it up or simply not thinking about it. On the flip side, I am a little concerned that when I asked my pupil if there was anything she was concerned about her answer was, “What happens if I run out of toothpaste in the middle of the week?!” 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, if that’s all she has to worry about, great, but to me, it disclosed that she doesn’t really know what’s coming… 

[Dancers Dad]

Sounds like you have a good understanding of what's going on and hopefully are being reassured by all the thoughtful responses above.

 

Until we hit something huge like this we can tend to rub along in life without too many massive emotional highs and lows but this is an extraordinary situation that creates extraordinary (but normal) responses. I think part of the trick is to accept that it will be very hard sometimes - but overcoming those challenges is a huge part of what they're trying to achieve, indeed it's integral to success. And the highs will be as thrilling as the lows are hard.

 

And as I tell my daughter, if you didn't feel your feelings this strongly, you wouldn't be able to dance so beautifully.

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

Thank you @MissEmilythats a really lovely way to look at it. Part of me hopes that the wobbles are happening now where she feels safe and then by the time she goes she’ll be feeling better. 
 

Sorry I did laugh a bit about the toothpaste, but hopefully it’s not an indication that she’s not aware of the enormity of it, more that she’s just ready to embrace her new adventure and it’s just the little things she needs reassurance on now. X 

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

@Dancers Dadthank you for your kind reply. I certainly am feeling reassured. It’s such a huge thing isn’t it. After all the excitement and the initial pride of the achievement now we have the reality of it all. 
 

I am absolutely stealing the following:

If you didn’t feel your feelings so strongly you wouldn’t dance so beautifully! 🥰

 

[Pas de Quatre]

Another thing you could mention is that many of the others in her new class may feel the same.  When we are sad (adults too), we often think we are alone and isolated.  But joining in Yr 7, although some people may already know each other from Associate or other classes, most children won't know anyone else and they will all be in the same boat.

[Farawaydancer]

As others have said it’s perfectly normal for her to be anxious, it’s a huge thing. However I would also let her know that it’s ok if she changes her mind. There are a couple of children every year that don’t turn up as expected in September for one reason or another. I’ve always made it clear to my dc that coming home is always an option, that nothing is absolute. They’ve never taken me up on it, except for two weeks in y8 where my ds needed some support dealing with his ballet teacher and it couldn’t be done at school, but they always know it’s possible and we would listen to them. 

[glowlight]

As others have said, it sounds quite normal that she is anxious and emotional.  I mean even moving from primary to high school can make kids really anxious and that's without the added 'unknown' of being away from home.

 

We didn't have to go through this until my dd was 16, so in some ways it was very different, but we still had 'wobbles'.

 

A few suggestions:

 

1) Start to plan with her some things she can take with her to remind her of home when she is at school.  Maybe her favourite duvet cover, some pictures of family and friends, music she likes to listen to.

2) Maybe plan what you are going to do together at Half Term, and at Exeats if you have them

3) Can you reach out to find other kids starting in the same year as her?  Maybe if she could chat with others or even meet up that might help

4) As above but older students at the school she is going to.  There may be folk on the forum who can help

5) Talk about whether there are any specific things she is worried about - the toothpaste example is a good one, this kind of thing can get blown up out of proportion in the worrier's head.

6) Try to move her away from thinking of it as 'leaving home.'   Home will still be home - she is simply going away to boarding school during term time.

7) Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to go.  That if she has changed her mind that's OK and you will make it work so she can still do ballet etc (OK - you may not be happy with this one but I think it's important that she knows she still has a choice).

 

Hope this helps a little.

 

 

[meadowblythe]

I like the idea of emphasising that she is "going to boarding school," not leaving home.  It's an important distinction

 

My son had a wobble before he went.  I wish now I'd taken his concerns more seriously.  With hindsight:

 

Don't follow what works for everyone else - you know your child, do what is right for them.

Don't feel you have to keep away - if you know your child will benefit from seeing you every weekend then do so!

As mentioned, take concerns seriously.  Any change of school is a big deal.  

Re-assurance that they don't have to go - not letting anyone down.  And if it doesn't work for them you'll support them.  

A constant flow of postcards/treats from home in the first few weeks.  So they know they are thinking of them and supporting them.  

 

The lifesaver for my DS was an older student who had been through the same anxieties and homesickness.  Is there anyone with a DC already at the school who could "buddy up" with your DD?  Even before term so they can ask them all the "silly but not silly" questions?

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

Thank you all so much. 
 

We definitely do emphasise not leaving home. I’m forever saying ‘it’s just school!’ To everyone, not just DD 😁. 
 

There are definitely older pupils who have shown DD kindness on taster days so I’m reassure she will be cared for. The house parents and ballet teachers have also all shown kindness so again feel reassured there. It’s just getting past this monumental moment that it’s now only a few weeks away.  
 

I love the postcard tip. Thank you. I will definitely do that! 
 

We’re always reassuring her that she can change her mind but I don’t think that’s what she wants… not at the moment anyway.  We’ll just take it day by day. 
 

All of your posts are really reassuring thank you. 

[alison]

On 09/08/2022 at 11:50, Pas de Quatre said:

Another thing you could mention is that many of the others in her new class may feel the same.  When we are sad (adults too), we often think we are alone and isolated.  But joining in Yr 7, although some people may already know each other from Associate or other classes, most children won't know anyone else and they will all be in the same boat.

 

Very true.  I know it's years away from being the equivalent of going off to uni, but based on my experience of the latter I'd say that if there are pupils who seem to be getting on really well, having a whale of a time and not suffering at all, they're probably faking it, at least to some extent

[Northballetmum]

When my DD went at 13 we made a plan for her first exeat weekend - seeing familiar friends etc as something to look forward to - she changed plans for the next one and gradually she decided what we all did when she came home. She took lots of photos and her good luck cards from friends. We also tried not to keep calling or messaging her in the first week - to give her time to get used to the change herself without constant questions from us about how it was going! We helped set up her bedroom space before we left and had some other girls around when we did leave so she was distracted. The school have done this before so they know the signs to look out for. I think the anticipation is worse than when they actually go. Good luck - I hope the next few weeks pass without issue

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

Thank you all. This as all been really reassuring. It’s still really nerve wracking but I think we seem to be doing ok in the way we’re dealing with it. 
 

I do wonder if I’m actually worse than DD as I know I’m dreading it! 

[glowlight]

7 minutes ago, SJBallet said:

 

I do wonder if I’m actually worse than DD as I know I’m dreading it! 

 

Sometimes it's difficult to separate our own anxieties from our children's.  As much as you need to support your dd with things to look forward to in the forthcoming months, I suggest you try to plan things for yourself..things that you might not have been able to do if she was at home.  Maybe plan some concert or theatre visits, or sign up for an evening class that you wouldn't have been able to do if you were ferrying dd to dance classes.  If you have other children at home plan special things to do with them as they will miss their sister.  It will be an adjustment period for all of you.

[Pointeshoesarethedream]

8 minutes ago, glowlight said:

 

Sometimes it's difficult to separate our own anxieties from our children's.  As much as you need to support your dd with things to look forward to in the forthcoming months, I suggest you try to plan things for yourself..things that you might not have been able to do if she was at home.  Maybe plan some concert or theatre visits, or sign up for an evening class that you wouldn't have been able to do if you were ferrying dd to dance classes.  If you have other children at home plan special things to do with them as they will miss their sister.  It will be an adjustment period for all of you.

Thank you. I think it’s this adjustment for us all that I’m dreading the most.