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Technique - Can it always improve?


MuddledMama

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What a terribly sad story for both you and your dd. The truth is, that dance, and especially ballet, has a kind of will o' the wisp glamour about it. It can lure both children and parents into taking desperate heroic measures to try to force things to come right. They don't always. You can love dance, but it won't necessarily love you back. Just letting go is the hardest thing ever, but it sounds like you both really need to do that. In addition to taking a break from dance, I would suggest taking up something really gentle and noncompetitive such as yoga. Go for long walks, do fun things, bake cakes. Learn to love yourselves again. You deserve it.

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Sorry for my previous lengthy posts, I was trying to respond to each person individually, I'll try to keep this one brief.

 

I think perhaps I have given the wrong impression that somehow my dd is an absolute emotional wreck on the verge of a mental breakdown, she's not, what I was saying is that the emotional/mental/physical abuse at the old school had a very big impact. So much so that in the new school all negative comments were re-affirming everything she'd been told at the old school. Right now dd is at a place mentally where a negative personal remark might drag up the past and all the bad thoughts from the old school and she might feel down for a few days but she will eventually brush it off as the teacher just being mean or depending on her mood she might shrug it off right away. I think having the new positive teacher for 90% of her classes last term has helped with that a lot, she can see how corrections can be given without personal remarks. So it's the teacher with the problem not her..BUT..as with anyone if she's having a bad day, those remarks can be taken on board too much, especially with the age she is and hormones being all over the place.

 

My original post was looking for advice on how best to help her with her technique, I've had different suggestions from different people but mostly don't focus on syllabus/exams so much, find a new teacher/school and cut back on classes/stop dance altogether for a while, so I have a lot to think about thank you xx

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13 minutes ago, MuddledMama said:

Sorry for my previous lengthy posts, I was trying to respond to each person individually, I'll try to keep this one brief.

 

I think perhaps I have given the wrong impression that somehow my dd is an absolute emotional wreck on the verge of a mental breakdown, she's not, what I was saying is that the emotional/mental/physical abuse at the old school had a very big impact. So much so that in the new school all negative comments were re-affirming everything she'd been told at the old school. Right now dd is at a place mentally where a negative personal remark might drag up the past and all the bad thoughts from the old school and she might feel down for a few days but she will eventually brush it off as the teacher just being mean or depending on her mood she might shrug it off right away. I think having the new positive teacher for 90% of her classes last term has helped with that a lot, she can see how corrections can be given without personal remarks. So it's the teacher with the problem not her..BUT..as with anyone if she's having a bad day, those remarks can be taken on board too much, especially with the age she is and hormones being all over the place.

 

My original post was looking for advice on how best to help her with her technique, I've had different suggestions from different people but mostly don't focus on syllabus/exams so much, find a new teacher/school and cut back on classes/stop dance altogether for a while, so I have a lot to think about thank you xx

 

 

Let me ask you a question. Why is it so important to you, you personally that your daughter be a dancer?

 

You don't need to repeat, we get all that, we understand perfectly. Again in this last response you speak continually of abuse, depression, moods and depressions which may take days to shake off as a result of past abuse - and the traumatic experience of adolescence exacerbating this.

 

I'm quite shocked at how glibly you dismiss and shake off experiences and emotional states that should be concern, rather than helping her with her 'technique'.

 

Again, you're not listening to anything anyone is saying here and apparently ignoring subliminal and not so subliminal unspoken prompts that this ongoing experience is damaging your daughter. Not least as many people have pointed out and AGAIN you choose to ignore, she's currently doing more dance than many 16+ year olds do in full time vocational training. An excess of training can be equally damaging to the body.

 

None of your posts speak of a healthy situation, we have said as delicately as possible perhaps it's best if you act as authoritarian not accomplice and for her own health mental AND physical give her a rest. 

 

Which you absolutely refuse to do or take on board, you say she's fine then talk of depressive mood swings.

 

So clearly your daughter the dancer is a concept which means more to you than I wonder if it does to her. So why is this so important to you? And it's not for her, if it was for her, you'd be giving her a break. She needs it. Kids don't articulate directly, there is no magic answer to technique or any other question.

 

I'll repeat it one more time then I'm out of this conversation as I fear it's just feeding your neurosis and I dare say you've had this conversation again and again, we're just the latest target. For your child's sake give her a break. She will thank you for it in the long run.

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@MuddledMama

 

In response to your original question - YES! Technique absolutely can be improved. From a teachers' perspective (and also one of being a student who moved dance schools several times to find the right 'fit', including situations as described in your post) I can say that your DD is rushing through the grades and needs a teacher who can help her develop her technique and confidence. Knowing the work is only a tiny part of it. A nurturing teacher will help every student in the class to develop their dance technique, musicality and performance to not only be able to perform the set exercises in the syllabus, but to understand the technique, timing, intention etc behind every movement. Therefore my advice to you on this issue is to find another teacher.

 

It isn't easy as a parent. Often the schools that appear the most successful are large, an awful lot of teachers out there have their own hidden agendas/insecurities/axes to grind, and sadly this ends up being manifested in how they teach and while some students get lucky and thrive with a teacher, many others will suffer at the same school/studio. 

 

Also - I want to echo the comments of other posters, but in no way do I mean this as an insult or a criticism of you - do not underestimate the impact of all of this on mental health. I know of adults in their 30's who have 'suddenly' started suffering fairly moderate to severe mental health issues as a result of teenage emotional abuse/neglect or bullying. 

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So do I. Unless I would be prepared to say something likely to cause upset or distress to a complete stranger face-to-face, then I wouldn't say it in a PM either.

 

Besides, in my view the professional dance industry does nothing other than pay lip service to the issue of mental health among dancers and students.

 

 

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13 minutes ago, taxi4ballet said:

 

Besides, in my view the professional dance industry does nothing other than pay lip service to the issue of mental health among dancers and students.

 

 

Its a huge problem and sadly it's not confined to the world of dance either. Children and young people are under more stress than they have ever been and the professional mental health resources to support them are woefully inadequate. Its also a subject that many people find embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about, there is such a lot of stigma attached to it. So just wanted to do a quick plug for 'Time for Change' an organisation that is trying to end mental health discrimination and also the 'Time to Talk' day on Thursday 1st February 2018.  Please check out their website. Thank you!

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The PM suggestion was because in a personal message to someone you might tone down how you are writing a bit knowing you are connecting with a particular person.....sometimes public messages can seem less personal 

I always think it's a good idea to write as if actually saying it to the person for real....difficult I know as sometimes we can feel annoyed irritated and even exasperated with the views of others but in someone's actual presence you may tone down what you say to them from what you may be thinking.  

 

 

 

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I think there’s been some good suggestions but also a lot of jumping to conclusions! 

 

My dd is another girl who came from ‘the smacking school’, and muddledmama and I have supported our dds as best we can with different classes they do etc. If she sounds a bit neurotic, it’s probably something I’m guilty of too, but that comes from our past experiences with the abuse that’s made us both support our dds a bit more closely perhaps than the average parent, one that hasn’t had to try and recover from this. Once bitten, twice shy etc. Speaking from my own experience, my neurotic behaviour , if any, is probably born out of guilt for letting it happen in the first place. I’m guessing muddledmama has her own reasons for trying to guide her own dd and it’s not to do with her wanting her child to dance more than her dd does! 

 

But anyway, it took me a while to properly realise about ‘quality not quantity’ and it was my dds CAT scheme that talked for the first time about over training. Our old school didn’t think this was a thing unless physically too demanding but I honestly have realised that it’s mentally too demanding too. They need “little kid time” or will resent it later, feel like a failure, not have the strength if things don’t go to plan. My dd needs down time watching junk tv, socialising, rubbish YouTube, and she will tell me that what helps her most is thinking about it in her relaxing environment at home not just doing it at class and rushing about. I think there’s been some proof now that just thinking about things is just as beneficial as doing the activity when it comes to muscle memory.,

 

The CAT schemes we’ve attended have all generally said the same amount of hours per week training as your age. So at age 13, don’t go over that many hours per week. 

 

My dd too has “whizzed through the grades” doing grade 6, 7&8 in two terms, Distinctions and mostly one class a week with a few private lessons. 

 

however, what she says is 6,7&8 are different in that they are more actual dancing and performance. She said they are a lot more enjoyable. 

 

I think the idea about doing the grade below is a good one as hopefully the student and the teacher won’t focus on knowing the syllabus as she’s already done the exam so hopefully it would be a good environment for technical corrections. Quite often in syllabus schools I think both the students and the teachers have too much focus on completing syllabus work in a timeframe they have in mind and it becomes too much about knowing the work and not enough about the technique. It must be hard for teachers with all these different groups all working at syllabus levels to target exam dates, a tricky business to be in. Throw in a couple of pushy mums into the mix and hey presto, everyone pats themselves on the back according to how quickly they achieved a certificate! 

 

But it they shouldn’t be making inappropriate remarks about body image. They know that’s wrong. Or calling names such as lazy. If the student has some baggage it won’t take much for old feelings to pop back up to the surface. I think doing different classes with different teachers and different school cultures would be good idea too. 

 

I dont think technique will improve sadly if there’s a lack of receptiveness from the student and a lack of emphasis from the teacher. I feel they do need a break from each other or at least have the student hear things in a different way from a different teacher, such as RAD associates 

 

I do really sympathise with you MM as know you’ve tried your hardest to support your dd and I know how much she adores dancing 

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Very good post, annaliesey.  MuddledMama, apologies if I've missed this information, but I was wondering if your daughter has had any recent counselling?  The emotional abuse that she's suffered appears to have had (understandably) a long term effect, which is why she is still being "triggered" by thoughtless comments now.  It seems you have two choices; move her to a different teacher who will boost her confidence rather than batter it, and hope that this alone will gradually repair the emotional damage, or get your dd more counselling with a good therapist who has experience with children and teenagers.  Personally I would suggest both, as well as cutting back on dance.  

 

If the "baggage" caused by the abusive teacher is not dealt with now, it can and most likely will impact your dd for years to come.  Any future teacher or employer who behaves in a triggering way and causes emotional flashbacks with resulting distress will knock confidence and this cycle can continue for years.  

 

If your daughter is determined that she wants to try to have a career as a professional dancer, then basic technique has to be absolutely solid.  No question.  Body shape and size can change; posture can *usually* be corrected (unless there is a physical/skeletal cause), confidence can be restored.  What cannot be altered is eventual height, proportions (limb length vs body length), classical ballet facility (turnout, feet etc if there is a skeletal restriction), which is why it's so difficult to get into full-time ballet training, complete your training and get a paid job as a ballet dancer.  

 

If I were you, my starting point would be

1. Counselling

2. Cut right back on the hours your dd is dancing.  She may "have to dance" and nobody's saying she has to stop, but it doesn't sound as if it's actually beneficial to be doing so much at the moment. 

3. Stop the classes with the "horrible" teacher.

4. Try the CAT scheme classes and at the end of term, have a chat with the teacher to see where your daughter's strengths lie and what she needs to work on.

5. Lay off the exams and ask the nice teacher to focus solely on improving basic technique. 

 

See how things go for a while.  When your daughter's technique improves, do let her try again for English Youth Ballet if she wants to.  Whoever said Miss Lewis only wants a certain body type is wrong.  What Miss Lewis looks for is good basic technique, a nice smile, and a love of ballet.  There have been all manner of shapes and sizes at EYB each time my daughter danced with them.  Lots of EYB children go onto full time dance, but many don't - it's a super experience regardless. 

 

The professional dance world can be cut throat, damaging both physically and mentally, nonsensical; ridiculous really - especially when you work out the miniscule proportion of girls who have and sustain a good career as a dancer.  Give your daughter time to be a child, to do other hobbies, to get good academic grades (everyone needs a plan b), to see that there is a life out there full of other wonders.  Dance can be a career but it can also be a lifelong and wonderful leisure pursuit.   Overall, it should be enjoyable. 

 

Best of luck. 

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46 minutes ago, YellowCar said:

Annaliesey and Muddled mum May I ask what happened to the teacher giving out the abuse at the 'smacking school'.  I hope that you both reported her so that others don't have to suffer the same mental and physical trauma.

 

 

 

A pertinent question but either or both members may prefer to retain their anonymity and either reply via PM or not comment. 

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To everyone questioning my confrontational post, the subsequent posts explain why I made it and why I stand by it.

 

Your advice is merely reiterating the advice given to her several times. However, you failed to realise that she's been taken away from the abusive teacher and the psychological problems still remain, which the OP refuses to acknowledge as being deeply problematic and needing of attention and care, above dancing.

 

Also a 'new school' will not help, the teacher may be worse, the teacher may be better, but the constant, an emotionally vulnerable child remains. The damage has been done and putting her back into school situations where the problems will only be exacerbated isn't the answer.

 

The OP, the appropriately named "Muddledmama" has no desire for advice, she wants her own views reinforced, every answer she didn't like she'd come back with a response as to why her views are right, why the problem wasn't understood by us, and I have no doubt this board was just one of many pit stops taken on a bias confirmation tour on her part. 

 

My confrontational post directly challenged this behaviour and said enough of the game, and then she left. No doubt to find a new board, a new audience where she will start this cycle again.

 

We have no knowledge of the daughter's true feelings about dance. We only have the mother's assertion it's her everything, the same mother who brushes off symptoms and descriptions of depressive mood cycles in a daughter who's been abused and undergone counselling - and we're indulging the notion of returning that daughter to the source of the abuse, another dance school. It's not healthy. And yes, I would be quite prepared to say this face to face and I didn't PM as Muddledmama had no intention of stopping these posts and this cycle on this thread, a PM would have been ignored or brushed off and the meat of this neurotic cycle would have continued here.

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Thank you, Proballetdancer.  I can see the isssue from both sides, and while I think MuddledMama has been given very good advice, I can see how the presentation of some of that advice could be perceived as critical and rather blunt.  

 

I'm loathe to lock the thread because that gives MuddledMama no right of reply should she return today, but at the same time many of us don't know her in real life so although we have no choice but to make some assumptions based on the information we're given, we don't know MuddleMama's background and how able she is to take this sort of advice, presented with the best intentions but in a no-nonsense manner.  Some people could find it overwhelming; others may be able to see it has "harsh but fair".  

 

Harsh but fair in itself is not against forum rules, but please everbody, when offering advice - or even criticising the advice or the manner in which it's given - do please be respectful of other posters, because that IS one of our rules. 

 

I will lock the thread for now while Moderators continue to discuss it.

 

Many thanks.

 

 

 

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The OP has come on here for help and advice. We've all been in a quandary in one way or another, and this forum has been a huge help to me over the years. Hopefully the OP and many others will benefit from the same support - this forum is a great place on the whole, let's keep it that way :)

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15 hours ago, YellowCar said:

Annaliesey and Muddled mum May I ask what happened to the teacher giving out the abuse at the 'smacking school'.  I hope that you both reported her so that others don't have to suffer the same mental and physical trauma.

 

 

 

Hi, there is an old thread on here titled ‘teacher smacking’ and at the time I was asking for advice. It did get reported. It did get investigated by LADO and police but no prosecution. Even though the teacher admitted it, in uk law, physical abuse is time bound by six months. Our children took longer than six months to speak out and therefore ‘there was no crime’. 

 

Others have and and will continue to suffer in the same way I suspect until the law changes, as it has done with sexual abuse which is not time bound. 

 

As there was was no crime in uk law, the teacher is perfectly able to continue teaching without any consequences. The professional bodies she belongs to cannot and will not use their grievance procedures because they simply refer to LADO and police. There is no DBS referral because she is self employed (loophole to be aware of because employed teachers go through misconduct hearings at their place of work and this is disclosed information on DBS). 

 

The RAD published an article “a touch too much” in January 2017 which referred to the case but basically brushes off physical abuse with the confusion of correcting children with touch. 

 

Had we have known that speaking out was a fruitless exercise we probably would have done what many others had done before us; change dance schools quietly. There’s about 11 families who have confided to us of similar experiences so it’s quite frustrating that this woman along with many other harsh and abusive teachers can carry on representing the dance education community in this way. That people need to “grow a thicker skin or give up”

 

anyway, we can’t change what’s happened, we can only try and change how we respond to things. :) 

 

 

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I sat and read all of this yesterday, it took me a while to digest everything. There has been some really good advice on here (as there always is with this forum) please read it properly. In other words don’t read what you want it to say. DD was in a school where she was being bullied by the teacher, it took me time and patience but eventually she agreed to move. HOWEVER the impact on her mental health has been enormous and although she is at vocational school now it still haunts her. 

 

My advice is to take a step back. Yes I am sure your daughter has her life mapped out BUT believe me that can all change, she is very young (you may not think so) and their ideas change very quickly. I have a nonDD who literally change her university course choice over night, it has been the right thing for her but I know she isn’t the only teenager to do that. Your daughter is doing an awful lot of dance, as many have said more than children at vocational school. There is simply no rush, no matter where she goes at 16+ or 18+ she will start at the beginning with everyone else, back to basics. As drdance has said with the right teacher technique can be improved but it doesn’t sound like you have the right teacher. 

 

If you decide to look for another school my advice is look at where students go on to and at what age ( especially important if that is the direction your daughter ends up goi in) how big are the classes, personally I like the fact that DDs school entered children for exams when they were personal ready not because the whole class was ready or parents thought they should be taking the next exam. Yes that meant we had mixed age groups but I think that worked very well, they all learnt from each other. It isn’t a race, grades like all exams ( GCSE, A levels etc) are all stepping stones and guide lines, there is so much more to dance than taking exams. Above all make sure your dauygter likes the school, the pupils and most importantly the staff, even if you don’t. 

 

I appreciate as a parent we only want the best for a children and in the world of dance(and music) it is very easy to get swept along with it. Sometimes the best think is to take a step back and look at what you already have. 

 

Regarding EYB , the information you have been given couldn’t be further from the truth. DD is about to do her 5th performance with them and I can promise you children of all shapes and sizes get in. EYB is about performance. Your DD is obviously technically good enough but if she didn’t perform in her audition they will have offered places to not necessarily better dancers but better performers over her. Please let her try again, it is a fantastic experience. This does unfortunately bring me back full circle to the state of her mental health. 

 

One final thing....... is this about your daughter or you ? We are all guilty, at some point in our children’s lives of taking complete control and prehaps wanting them to do something we were unable to do during our childhood.  Apologies if that sounds harsh. 

 

Good luck with everything. 

 

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I have been absolutely shocked by some of the things said in this thread about me personally, and of course it was locked for a while so I couldn't reply.

 

Firstly my daughter is dancing because she wants to, I have no interest in dance whatsoever, I never have, I never danced as a child, nor wanted to, the only interest I have is to support my dd in something she loves. If she woke up tomorrow and said she never wanted to dance again and wanted to go into water polo, well I'd be researching water polo and how best to help her achieve her dream. If being involved in a supportive capacity makes me a neurotic parent then so be it!

 

I have not ignored people's suggestions/advice, what I have been doing is mulling over all the options, discussing it with my husband and with a friend.

 

I'd also like to highlight that not everyone has said to take a break, there have been a number of different suggestions (new teacher, cut back, counselling, etc) all of which I am genuinely taking on board and considering what is the best way forward. However it seems that certain people have got a massive problem if I don't take THEIR advice and their advice alone, that somehow their opinion/suggestion trumps anyone else's because they are right and everyone else is wrong and clearly they know what is 100% the best thing for my dd.

 

I will say this once more, thank you for the comments on here and PM's with advice, suggestions and just personal anecdotes, it's good to have so many different views  and have so many possible solutions. I will however very carefully and in my own time (with my husband) decide what is the best way to support dd mentally/ emotionally as well as with HER chosen passion of dance.
 

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Best of luck, MuddledMama.  I joined the "old" Balletcoforum around 12 years ago and I must say I've learned so much from other people here.  If we ask for advice, we must expect that other people will offer advice.  Sometimes the advice may be presented in a way that feels very blunt, and it may be that it is overly blunt, BUT we don't have to take it (or even agree with it). 

 

Sometimes we may be offered advice or opinions that we really don't want to hear, and that's a gamble of asking what's really a bunch of strangers a question on the internet.  :)  One thing I've learned here is that a heck of a lot of people are more experienced than I am, and I'm grateful for that.  Another is that for a group of (mostly) ballet parents in what can be a horribly cut throat world, our "Doing Dance" posters are incredibly supportive of each other.  That's quite unusual in the dance world.  When we ask a question here, we only give a certain amount of information, and most posters don't know each other in real life.  Therefore we have to make assumptions when we give advice, and can only give advice based on what's presented to us.  In the main, that's what everyone has done here.  I have seen concern for a (still young) dancer who appears to be struggling at the moment, and advice from people further along the road.  Please do take it all in, discard what you disagree with; that's your right.  Personally I would suggest reading all the posts again at some point to see if there's anything you've missed.  I find that helpful, but again, that's up to you. 

 

I do hope things improve and that if they do, you'll update us.  :)

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Wow, this forum seems to have changed a lot!

I can’t believe that a mum can come on here asking for advice about helping her daughter to improve technique and she’s been torn into by people in this way, criticising her parenting, suggesting it’s her that wants her dd to dance rather than the dd, attacking her personality and even openly mocking her user name!

She’s simply had concerns that her dd was going through syllabus grades too quickly and not developing the technique at the same pace as the exam grades. Seems like quite a reasonable question to pose to a forum of ballet people for a wide range of input.

She’s obviously perfectly aware of mental health risks as she took her daughter aged 10 to a counsellor immediately after smacking and mental abuse occurred by the old dance teacher.

She’s referred to past event and the current state of play with negative flashbacks so is acutely aware of this so, tbh, I think it’s a bit crappy to attack her in this way when she’s trying her best and for people who don’t know her to imply that she is dismissive of mental health issues!

Neither of us have been through this lightly I can assure you.

It might make people feel better to insist that her dd stops dance, even temporarily, and I suspect that the strength of feeling here is aligned proportionately to forum egos.  It’s a quick fix isn’t it? An easy answer to everything, as are the comments about the mum wanting it more than the dd.

Well, just remember when you are typing things out on a keyboard, there is an actual person reading your comments, questioning their parenting because it’s easy to skim-read or jump to conclusions! 

MM has openly said that her daughter wants to dance ballet but pursue a career in dance generically, and possibly teach later after any professional employment comes up if she’s lucky. She is not delusional in thinking she is going to pursue a career as a professional ballerina.

I can only assume that the moderators want to attract posts from professionals in the dance world and are OK if this means posters behaving like internet trolls.

Very disappointed.

 

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Proballetdancers post seems to be so overly concerned for muddledmumas daughter's  mental health yet the joke is, in the same post she totally mocks muddledmumas own mental health...except I'm not laughing because there is no joke mocking anyone's mental health 😡

 

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There have been a lot of responses to the OP's original request for advice. One has, IMO, been unduly blunt and personal in nature. The others have, again IMO, been respectful and thoughtful. Advice has varied - and the OP is free to take whatever advice she chooses or to ignore all of it - but there seems to have been a general consensus that her daughter should cut down on the amount of dance that she does or take a complete break for a short period of time. That may not be an easy thing to do, and may nor be well received by her daughter,  but I stand by my point that sometimes you have to overrule your child's wishes in his/her long term best interests. 

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On 07/01/2018 at 17:54, Anna C said:

After discussion, we will unlock the thread for now so that people can respond.  Please continue to be mindful of forum rules.

 

Many thanks.

 

This thread has now become unconstructive and a place for people to insult other posters, which we cannot allow.  It will now be locked.

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