Lisa O`Brien Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 We've never been very close. She is nine years older than me, so is 57. Sue has major,major mental health problems, including Borderline Personality Disorder; one of the most serious mental health problems you can have. Neither she nor her husband work. Sue has liked jewellery her whole life, but now I think buying jewellery is becoming an obsession. [she also suffers from OCD, so that could perfectly make sense]. She sits up until five or six o'clock in the morning, every morning, watching GEMS TV, and this company in particular, Gemporia. Neither she nor her husband have a bank account; not even a basic one. She gets her disability benefit paid some other way, i've no idea how. She has rings on every finger, necklaces etc. Her "thing" is diamonds. Every so often this Gems TV have a Diamond Day, and lets just say she gets very excited about it. Because neither of them have a bank account what normally happens is Sue phones me, often not asking how I am, and just barks down the phone, Hi Lisa, it's Diamond Day. Because they don't have a landline [they can't afford one, or rather they can but don't want to get one as then it would mean less money to spend on jewellery] .They also,therefore don't have a computer. So she informs me it's Diamond Day ,which is then my instruction to go on this website and find the ring she is interested in, then phone it and give them my [or Sean's if i'm skint; she knows he has a fair bit at the moment because of his student loan and grant], debit card details, pay for the ring and arrange it to be delivered to her address not mine. I set up an account with them for her. She knows we are both up at seven o'clock each morning and that Sean is in bed for ten and me around ten thirty. Sean is a very light sleeper, and will wake up really easily then take ages getting back to sleep. I asked her the other night, or rather reminded her, not to phone after ten o'clock, as even if we aren't in bed, by the time i've looked on the website, found what she wants, then phoned and ordered the ring, phoning Sue in between on her mobile double checking it's the correct one, it is later. My speaking even if I try to be quiet keeps Sean awake. This morning at two o'clock the phone rang. Knew straight away who it was and what she wanted. I didn't get up to answer the phone and neither did Sean. I've been in the house all day today and the phone has rang seven times in the last half an hour. She obviously doesn't know Sean is on work placement at the primary school so can't pay for her for anything with his debit card. I've ignored the phone every time. The two of us are getting sick of her. Yes, she sends the money in cash in an envelope by recorded delivery which we get back a couple of days later. Once it was about £375. Neither of us sometimes have the time to call in to the bank and put the money back in his account, so the money ends up lying around the house. Her husband thoroughly spoils her and indulges her every whim for a quiet life, so this is what she's used to. She even asked me to ask a cousin of ours to buy a diamond ring on her behalf as she wanted it so badly. The woman is self employed and works God knows how many hours a week. She told me to tell her , in a nice way, er not, she won't help her. She used to ask a nearby neighbour to do all this for her, but i'm assuming they must have knocked it on the head after a couple of times, which is why she now asks me. She's very violent and extremely aggressive all the time, which I know she can't help, and I know is the reason her husband tries to keep her happy. But how do I put a stop to this without either hurting her feelings or upsetting her? [she gets upset and sometimes angry very very easily, so everyone has to tread on eggshells around her]. Sorry for such a long post. I'm at my wits end with her. Am I being unreasonable? Any suggestions? Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 Oh, and there's the phone again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiewoo Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 No advice just a great big hug as I know what family members can be like. I would, if it was me, and I could, carry on ignoring and not helping. But it would be very hard. Hugs x 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 I think you need to be very calm but very clear and set out healthy boundaries, Lisa. It's easy to get sucked into behaviour that's unreasonable and abnormal because a family member is demanding it. But just because this is your sister doesn't make her behaviour in any way reasonable or normal. If you can take a step back for a moment and read your post as if someone else had written it, what would you advise? My guess would be that you'd say "That is outrageous!" And rightly so. Can you write a note to your sister, if you can't email her? It's easier to say what you want in writing, especially with a very volatile person. Could you say that while you understand her need to buy jewellery, it is HER need, not yours or Sean's, and you are no longer prepared to do her purchasing for her. Also, that you will be turning your phone/ringer off at 10pm as that is a reasonable time to stop taking phone calls, so would she please stop phoning after ten or before 8am. If she wants to buy things online she will have to set up the means to do this herself, because you are no longer prepared to be at her beck and call at all hours to feed her shopping habit. These are all healthy boundaries which you need to set out to protect yourself and Sean. People with personality disorders like BPD or NPD will literally take a mile if you give an inch, and unless checked, your sister's demands on you are likely to become more and more unreasonable. If your sister's husband chooses to indulge her for a quiet life, that's his choice. He has to live with her, but you don't. She won't be happy if you put your foot down, but better to do it now. You can say to her that you love her, but that her demands on you are not reasonable and must stop. Be polite but assertive in your letter. Her behaviour is not normal and doesn't show any thought or respect for you or Sean. That is not acceptable. Edited to add: If you haven't already read this, it might be helpful. http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 Wow,thank you so,so much for that link, Anna. Just had a brief look at it,and there are many many traits it lists that I can say with certainty she has. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacqueline Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Lisa, your sister sounds very like my late sister in law. She had mental health issues although nothing was ever diagnosed. She was much older than me so different times I suppose. Anyway, we were always on best behaviour around her, being careful not to do or say anything that would upset her and it didn't take much. Sometimes she would go off on one and you wouldn't even know why, only that you had to get out of her reach as she could be violent. She once took offence at the innocent milkman and chased him down the street, throwing bottles at him. She knew she was volatile and unreasonable but had no inclination to do anything about it. It was our problem, not hers! To keep the peace, we would allow her to control events. All wrong I know. She would have everyone sit up all night, because she wanted to. She would start vacuuming at 2am or have you do it, or washing up, cleaning out cupboards. Ridiculous. When she was on form she could be good company but she was living in her own fantasy most of the time, where it was all unfair and nobody wanted to listen or help her. God knows we tried, but really she didn't want to be helped. One day I forgot to stick to the programme. She pushed me too far and I let her have it with both barrels. She was so stunned by somebody standing up to her, she just stood there and took it. She never said a bad word to me after that. We didn't become bezzy mates either but we reached an understanding of sorts. I wished I had stood up to her sooner but if one is not naturally combative, it is easier to try and keep the peace. But there are limits to everything. Having said that, I think the conciliatory but firm approach of a letter is a good idea. You can write it out a few times first, until you feel it reflects what you want to say. You could post it recorded so you know it has arrived. If her husband filters post as part of his peace keeping, arrange for it to be signed for by the addressee only. Then just stand back and wait for the response. She probably won't like it whatever you say. Give her time to respond. You can find out if the letter was delivered without having to ring and ask her. Wait for her to come to you and remember silence can be very powerful. If she is nasty, hang up. If she writes you a nasty letter, send it back to her. Show her you are serious about your right to privacy and respect and your son's. If she doesn't respond at all, in all honesty how would you feel about that? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 Thank you Jacqueline, for disclosing what you did. I hope bringing it all up again didn't upset you. We didn't speak for seven years. She was just take,take,take;emotionally as well as every other way. The final straw for me when when my son and his dad were involved in a ad car crash when Sean was seven. His dad accidentally accelerated into a wall ,instead of braking. [He was driving an automatic]. The seatbelt Sean was wearing snapped his collarbone in two. I saw the wreckage of the car a few days later. It was an old Jaguar XJS ,and the entire front bonnet was crushed. If they had been in a smaller car the outcome might have been unimaginable. Anyway, I telephoned her a few days later. I didn't want to tell her immediately as I wanted a few days until things had calmed down a little bit and we were certain it was *only* a broken collarbone and nothing more serious. Anyway I telephoned her. I told her. She burst into tears. I tried to reassure her, saying not to be too upset,as horrible though it was ,it was nothing life threatening. She stopped crying immediately. Just switched it off. "Oh, i'm not crying about that". Then she proceeded to go on and on for ten minutes about how intolerable her life is and how her mother in law hates her, etc. She never even sent her only nephew a Get Well card. When all the cards and balloons had arrived from family and friends, after a few weeks Sean asked me why he never received a card from his Aunty Sue and Uncle Colin in Manchester but had from everyone else. I had to lie to him, and tell him it must have got lost in the post. She didn't phone or write, to enquire how he was.She blamed me for the crash, saying I shouldn't have let him go with his dad her in the car. We didn't speak for eight years. Have reconciled ,via phone calls and letters since. We phone each other [well, I phone her] every two weeks or so. I often want to confront her about things, really horrendous things from the past that our mum told me she said about me. But what's the point? It'sin the past and she would deny everything anyway, and say mum was making it up. She always used to say mum was jealous of mine and her friendship and was trying to come between us. She would tell me our mum was lying to me about various things. When I was a teenager the two of them used to row in front of me; arguing about which one of them loved me the most, and how the other one didn't really care for me at all. I never knew which one of them to either believe or trust. Rightly messed with my head and the effects of it are still very prevalent in my life today and always will be. Anyway, the phone has continued to ring,and i'm getting upset. So when it rings again I will answer it and pretend we've been in Dublin all day and only just got back to the house or something. Buy her ring and she will be happy. I don't like lying to her, but if I don't say that she will suspect i've been deliberately ignoring her all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alison Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 What will happen if she does suspect you've been ignoring her, Lisa? I think you probably need some expert/professional advice on this: I don't know what the mental health charities provide in the way of support on this, but you need to find a middle way which works for you, ideally while not excessively upsetting your sister. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 If she suspects, she will just lay the emotional blackmail and guilt on with a trowel; how hard her life is, how she "has to put up" with her husband, how she is infertile and anything else she can think of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiz Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 How much do you want to stay in touch with your sister, Lisa? This is sheer emotional blackmail. Do you and Sean have anything positive from this uneven relationship? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 How much do you want to stay in touch with your sister, Lisa? This is sheer emotional blackmail. Do you and Sean have anything positive from this uneven relationship? Really good point, Fiz. If your sister sulks for months at your boundary setting, Lisa, at least you'll get some peace and quiet. It seems from what you've said that her demands on you are increasing - she clearly gives no thought whatsoever to you needing sleep or having a life. I worry that unless you put your foot down now, she'll demand more and more from you. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacqueline Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 If she wants to suspect you have been ignoring her, let her. You don't have to justify yourself or lie to her. If she says she has been ringing all day, just be vague, say something like oh have you? Don't say anything else, let her fill the silence. If she asks you to buy her another ring or whatever, just say no, she's got more than enough, you're not helping her anymore and neither is Sean. She can flog some of her existing gear to buy more if she must. And while you're about it, she can ring if she wants to but not about jewellery or money or between 10pm and 7am. She sounds an unreasonable person so diplomacy may be wasted on her. Sometimes directness is the only language such people understand. You also need to be in the right frame of mind to deliver the message firmly and not let her bully you round. She has a problem which needs addressing, possibly professionally. Her husband should step up as well. At the moment he is just enabling her,shifting the buying nonsense onto you in exchange for a bit of peace. The first step is the hardest, especially after so many years of taking her crap. But these are your new boundaries so take it or leave it sis. People are what they are. Self preservation is more important and although it is a bit of a cliché lately, you have to take back control. If she doesn't like it too bad. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aileen Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 The problem with people who are 'takers' (and that includes plenty of people who do not have a MH problem) is that they are voracious. The more helpful / kind / accommodating you are the more they want. A friend once told me that 'no' was a powerful word and I agree with her. If you say 'yes' once you are asked ago and again. It's often said that you can't change other people; you can only change how you respond to them. I agree with this too. I appreciate that it's difficult but you need to put some boundaries in place, as Anna has said, otherwise your sister will continue to dominate your life. I have no idea whether your sister can change her behaviour but you can. Good luck! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 She has been very generous to us financially over the last two years or so. I found myself completely skint last December. I literally didn't have £5.00 to put in the electric. I phoned her up and burst into tears. She said she was sending me some money by recorded, next day delivery. There was £500 in the envelope. She and Colin both said that as they hadn't seen Sean for many years and he had missed out on lots of Birthday and Christmas presents, to call it a gift. They completely changed our Christmas in one, magnificent gesture that I will never forget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 She has been very generous to us financially over the last two years or so. I found myself completely skint last December. I literally didn't have £5.00 to put in the electric. I phoned her up and burst into tears. She said she was sending me some money by recorded, next day delivery. There was £500 in the envelope. She and Colin both said that as they hadn't seen Sean for many years and he had missed out on lots of Birthday and Christmas presents, to call it a gift. They completely changed our Christmas in one, magnificent gesture that I will never forget. In my opinion - and it is only my opinion - that still does not give someone the right to phone you at 2am and demand that you do online shopping for them. I think alison's advice to seek professional advice or counselling is spot on. You clearly have a complex relationship with your sister and need to talk this through. Financial generosity does not give someone the right to phone you at all hours, but before you are ready to set boundaries I think you need to talk through the implications of what your sister's reaction might be, and the risk that she may sulk and refuse any future gifts/loans. Personally I would rather have boundaries and respect but it's a big decision. Can you access NHS counselling? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alison Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I was thinking more of help and advice from mental health charities, Anna, but I suspect the end result would be similar. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacqueline Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Lisa, I agree with Anna C regarding the financial assistance/gift from your sister. This relationship does sound very complex and it may help you to talk it over with somebody professionally qualified before you do anything that might cause you further anxiety and distress. I can only give an opinion based on my own experiences and of course, everyone is different. On the other hand, counselling is not for everyone. Sometimes talking about things can be counterproductive, dredging up all kinds of stuff better left undisturbed. Only you can make that decision. Back to the financial situation, generous as it was for your sister to help you out it doesn't give her any rights over you. As I said last night, when on form my sister in law was capable of kindness and generosity of spirit, like a different person. But there was always the underlying feeling that happy days were limited and whatever she did came with mile long strings attached. After all I've done for you was her second favourite saying. The first favourite is unprintable here! She would have you thanking her but at the same time trying to remember exactly what it was she had done for you. It was easier to recall what she had done to you! As for your sister, if I were you the first thing I would do and over which you have total control, is to close the account/s you have set up with this jewellery site. If there's no account she can't buy anything via you. The fact she is exploiting Sean's funds speaks volumes! If you don't feel strong enough to tell her why you have closed it, just make something up. I know I already said you shouldn't have to lie but sometimes a wee fib is expedient. It doesn't have to be a lengthy explanation, the short ones are best and easier to remember! If she realises her route to diamond nirvana has been blocked and there is no chance of it being reopened, at least as far as you are concerned, she will just go elsewhere. People like that will always find another way. Even if she doesn't, it is not your problem. No means no. As you say, her financial arrangements are a bit of a mystery, especially if she and her beloved are unemployed but can come up with random lump sums and payment for this jewellery which sounds like it may not be of the very highest quality. But again, that is up to them. It is not your problem either. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 This might also be helpful, Lisa: http://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/preventing-enabling-behavior.html 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taxi4ballet Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Some very sensible advice on here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon2 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Lisa I do feel for you and understand you don't want to upset the fragile relationship with your sister but it is time to put you and your son first. Anna has posted some brilliant links and I think you need to sit down with a bit of paper and jot down how this is making you feel and also what you want to achieve. For me that would not be having the phone ringing all the time, buying the items (or my son doing so), feeling guilty about not answering phone/giving into demands. Then I think you need to have a chat to Sean about it, how does he feel about buying items for his aunt? Yes at the moment he gets the money back but what if the next time he doesn't? The money is to support him through his course. Once you've got it clear in both your minds that you really cannot carry on supporting this behaviour of your sister and her husband you need to be strong and tell her so. Initially you will feel awful but once the burden is removed you will feel better. Make it clear to your sister you love her but you can't cope with this aspect of her BPD and therefore for your own wellbeing need to put a stop to it. When you contact her I would also be armed with a list of support websites, Mind, Rethink who will have support groups she can turn to. Compulsive behaviour be it spending, drugs, alcohol are symptoms BPD is not being managed correctly. How long ago was she diagnosed? It was seen as a condition that couldn't be treated/controlled in the past. That has now changed although there are some medics who haven't kept up to date and don't realise this. She maybe, with her husband needs to think about a new type of therapy, lots now being provided within the England as a partnership between Mind and NHS. You also need to think about a support group for yourself. We can self refer in our area for counselling and support. It can be a telephone appointment saving the expense and difficulty of getting to an appointment. I notice Mind doesn't cover NI but other charities do, they should be able to point you in the right direction. Please start putting yourself first, it isn't selfish in a situation like this it is a way to protect your own health. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2dancersmum Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Aw Lisa, I feel for you. I seem to remember you talking about this on the forum some time ago but it seems to be getting worse. I think you know in your heart of hearts that you need to do something as this current situation is not doing anyone any good, including your sister. It is especially not fair on Sean. He should not be involved, especially not financially. She may be your sister but he is your son and you have to put him first and put your foot down for his sake and his future. He should not be burdened with his aunties problems. One thing no one has really mentioned is talking to your sister's husband. You do not mention your relationship with him. Is he aware that she is calling you at such unreasonable hours? Would it be worth telling him that much as you love your sister, you cannot cope with the calls day and night and that you will be unplugging your phone at night? And then make sure you do just that. Whatever you choose to do, and it seems clear that you are going to need do something, I wish you luck. You have been given some great advice in other posts. Take your time and think things through. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) Thank you everyone so much; I really appreciate all your wonderful help and advice. The phone went about an hour ago. I wasn't going to answer it but thought I can't just keep ignoring the phone. It was a woman from Gemporia. The other day there was one particular ring she really wanted but missed out on. What happens is, they have an auction of around 50 of the same piece of jewellery, so you have to phone in quick and get your item before they all sell out. Meanwhile, the longer you leave it the more the price keeps reducing. It's all an absolute con of course, designed to ensnare gullible people into thinking they are getting an absolute bargain. I watched it one day to see what it was like. This silly woman showing off this ring; how utterly wonderful and amazing, and incredible it was, she kept saying. Then the next piece she was flogging was even more incredible than the one before, etc. And on and on it goes.The starting price would always be around three thousand pounds. Then suddenly it would drop by half. She would say, I cannot believe a ring of this rarity and calibre is now selling for only fifteen hundred pounds. Meanwhile there would be a counter on the side of the screen counting down how many were left. That sends Sue into an absolute blind panic, thinking she is going to miss out on one.Then the price drops again; more get sold. The most she has ever paid for a ring is £400. Usually they are around £150, but of course she is convinced she is getting something worth far more. It's an absolute con. Sue is entitled to the highest rate Disability Living Allowance and Colin gets a much smaller, Carer's Allowance. I think between the two of them they have around £1,200 a month to live on. They have no rent to pay on their one bedroom council flat, they don't have a car, they have no phone landline or computer, they have no children. So every month they "squirrel away" a lot of money in cash,in a box, to pay for whatever bills or whatever comes up. They don't drink or smoke and neither eats very much. Because of Sue's mental health problems they never go out socialising or to the cinema or anything. So they have hundreds of pounds in cash in a box. They have no bank account to put it in. So she can't pay for the jewellery herself with a debit card. I don't know the ins and outs but I think they got into a lot of financial trouble a few years a go with the bank and owed hundreds. They said they would never trust a bank again and haven't had a bank account since. I think they get some sort of a cheque or giro every two weeks they cash at the post office. That's my understanding of it anyway. The other day she really wanted a particular ring, for £179. Of course, its original price was a thousand then it halved, the usual nonsense. They sold out really quickly.[Gemporia claims they have jewellery "conoisseurs" from all over the world buying their items. If you believe that you'll believe anything. ] She phoned me back and asked me to email them asking if they would contact me if one of the rings becomes available at any time in the future. Sometimes people cancel their order or return something and one or two are suddenly for sale again. Anyway, Gemporia phoned me to tell me the ring she wanted for £179; a 9ct white gold, diamond ring , was available. I knew she really wanted it, so I asked Sean if it was OK, and he said it was, so I bought it for her there and then. I then phoned Sue to tell her the good news. To say she was happy is an understatement. Colin will put the £180 in cash in an envelope tonight and send it next day signed for Recorded Delivery, so Sean should get his money back tomorrow afternoon. What was I supposed to do? If you could have heard how happy she was on the phone. She'll be like a little kid at Christmas now for the next few days, waiting for the Royal Mail van. But you are all absolutely right. Especially when you say that it isn't fair on Sean. I know. He's as fed up of her as I am. If you want to see what all the fuss is about go to www.gemporia.com. They have a Live Auction every day. If you click on Watch Live Auction UK you can watch the madness for yourself. Edited November 11, 2016 by Lisa O`Brien Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon2 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Thank you everyone so much; I really appreciate all your wonderful help and advice. The phone went about an hour ago. I wasn't going to answer it but thought I can't just keep ignoring the phone. It was a woman from Gemporia. The other day there was one particular ring she really wanted but missed out on. What happens is, they have an auction of around 50 of the same piece of jewellery, so you have to phone in quick and get your item before they all sell out. Meanwhile, the longer you leave it the more the price keeps reducing. It's all an absolute con of course, designed to ensnare gullible people into thinking they are getting an absolute bargain. I watched it one day to see what it was like. This silly woman showing off this ring; how utterly wonderful and amazing, and incredible it was, she kept saying. Then the next piece she was flogging was even more incredible than the one before, etc. And on and on it goes.The starting price would always be around three thousand pounds. Then suddenly it would drop by half. She would say, I cannot believe a ring of this rarity and calibre is now selling for only fifteen hundred pounds. Meanwhile there would be a counter on the side of the screen counting down how many were left. That sends Sue into an absolute blind panic, thinking she is going to miss out on one.Then the price drops again; more get sold. The most she has ever paid for a ring is £400. Usually they are around £150, but of course she is convinced she is getting something worth far more. It's an absolute con. Sue is entitled to the highest rate Disability Living Allowance and Colin gets a much smaller, Carer's Allowance. I think between the two of them they have around £1,200 a month to live on. They have no rent to pay on their one bedroom council flat, they don't have a car, they have no phone landline or computer, they have no children. So every month they "squirrel away" a lot of money in cash,in a box, to pay for whatever bills or whatever comes up. They don't drink or smoke and neither eats very much. Because of Sue's mental health problems they never go out socialising or to the cinema or anything. So they have hundreds of pounds in cash in a box. They have no bank account to put it in. So she can't pay for the jewellery herself with a debit card. I don't know the ins and outs but I think they got into a lot of financial trouble a few years a go with the bank and owed hundreds. They said they would never trust a bank again and haven't had a bank account since. I think they get some sort of a cheque or giro every two weeks they cash at the post office. That's my understanding of it anyway. The other day she really wanted a particular ring, for £179. Of course, its original price was a thousand then it halved, the usual nonsense. They sold out really quickly.[Gemporia claims they have jewellery "conoisseurs" from all over the world buying their items. If you believe that you'll believe anything. ] She phoned me back and asked me to email them asking if they would contact me if one of the rings becomes available at any time in the future. Sometimes people cancel their order or return something and one or two are suddenly for sale again. Anyway, Gemporia phoned me to tell me the ring she wanted for £179; a 9ct white gold, diamond ring , was available. I knew she really wanted it, so I asked Sean if it was OK, and he said it was, so I bought it for her there and then. I then phoned Sue to tell her the good news. To say she was happy is an understatement. Colin will put the £180 in cash in an envelope tonight and send it next day signed for Recorded Delivery, so Sean should get his money back tomorrow afternoon. What was I supposed to do? If you could have heard how happy she was on the phone. She'll be like a little kid at Christmas now for the next few days, waiting for the Royal Mail van. But you are all absolutely right. Especially when you say that it isn't fair on Sean. I know. He's as fed up of her as I am. If you want to see what all the fuss is about go to www.gemporia.com. They have a Live Auction every day. If you click on Watch Live Auction UK you can watch the madness for yourself. Oh Lisa no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 How long is she happy for though, Lisa? Until the next time? "Cheap" jewellery may be reasonably harmless but what's next? In my experience, people with severe personality disorders never improve while people around them enable their behaviour. To be fair, why should they? Forgive me, but the difference between your first post in this thread and your last one makes it seem as if at the moment, you're not ready to change the way you deal with your sister. And that is absolutely fine - it's your life. Sometimes people just need to vent, but they don't necessarily want advice or help, they just want to vent. Reading back, do you think you might have just wanted to let off steam? Or have you reached the end of your tether and actually want people to give you advice on how to change the way you deal with your sister? As I say, either is fine, we all have to reach our limits when we are ready. But it's important to know in your own mind whether you just need to vent, or whether you'd like advice. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Also, just a gentle reminder that this is a completely public forum, visible to anyone on the internet - member or not. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) I'm going to write to her. None of us can continue like this. If she wants to that's her problem. Neither me nor Sean want to. I think in the letter I will tell her in advance I will be cancelling my Gemporia account as it's not healthy for anyone. If she's desperate for more jewellery she can go back to the way it used to be, by going into the Trafford Centre with Colin and buying pieces there and then with their own money. No stress for her of an auction style buy and no hassle and inconvenience for me or Sean. I'm also going to suggest to her it might be really really helpful if she stops watching Gems TV and all its channels every day, and start getting back into a routine of going to bed and getting up at normal hours. If I tell her I love her but am concerned for her welfare, which I am, she will be able to speak about it to Colin, who will hopefully agree with me its for the best. Her obsession will just transfer somewhere else of course, but at least when she was going to the shopping centre to buy jewellery she was getting out of the house , so it was a lot better for her than this at the moment. Online hugs and many thanks to you all.x Edited November 11, 2016 by Lisa O`Brien 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alison Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 As for your sister, if I were you the first thing I would do and over which you have total control, is to close the account/s you have set up with this jewellery site. If there's no account she can't buy anything via you. The fact she is exploiting Sean's funds speaks volumes! If you don't feel strong enough to tell her why you have closed it, just make something up. I know I already said you shouldn't have to lie but sometimes a wee fib is expedient. I don't suppose you have an account with Tesco Bank? Right now, that would be a very good excuse. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moomin Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Do you think anyone could identify your sister through this? Just concerned that we know that she has jewellery and large amounts of money in the house, some horrible people around ... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 12, 2016 Author Share Posted November 12, 2016 (edited) Do you think anyone could identify your sister through this? Just concerned that we know that she has jewellery and large amounts of money in the house, some horrible people around ... Good point ,Moomin. But I doubt it. They are not known by many people. She doesn't have ANY friends, and I don't think her husband does either. Neither socialise at all, and I cannot think of anyone in her husband's side of the family being aware of this website. They don't have a computer [wouldn't know how to even switch one on], so are not on Facebook and all similar sites. They very much keep themselves to themselves. Every piece of jewellery she has she wears. All the time, as far as I can gather, so there would be no jewellery box in the house or anything. I haven't given their surname or said whereabouts in Manchester they live. Should be fine. But thank you anyway. Edited November 12, 2016 by Lisa O`Brien Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan McNulty Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Do you think anyone could identify your sister through this? Just concerned that we know that she has jewellery and large amounts of money in the house, some horrible people around ... It is always better to be safe than sorry though and err on the side of caution when revealing anyone's personal details. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moomin Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Glad to hear it Lisa???? On a practical note could she get a pre-pay credit card? You can top up with cash at the post office/ some banks and you can only spend what you've loaded on there so no issues with debts etc. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 20, 2016 Author Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) I was chatting to my sister on the phone the other day. She was in a good mood so I broached the subject of it being a bit unhealthy her staying up all night watching Gems TV. I said firstly it won't be good for her physical health and also it won't be good keep looking at all this jewellery every night,as inevitably, the more she watches the more she will want to buy. She agreed it wasn't the best way to be living, thankfully. I also told her Sean has no money left in his bank account as he has spent most of his student loan and grant that was supposed to last him right through until the end of the academic year in June next year. He has spent far too much money and it is running very low. As a consequence,he will now have to watch the pennies very carefully for the next seven months. I told her to stop him spending ,he is transfering what is left of it out of his bank account into his credit union account. [This was a lie]. That way he won't have immediate access to it as you don't have a debit card with a credit union account. The only way he will be able to withdraw any savings will be to physically call into the credit union in Newry, queue up, fill in a form and then they hand over the sum [a bit like a post office savings account I suppose]. So she knows the money will not be in his account for her to just phone up when the next Diamond Day is as the money will not be there to pay them immediately. She then started saying that Gemporia were telling everyone they were going to have some "unbelievable bargains" for Black Friday. I said to her the best thing she can do then is not to watch it. Any of it. To get to bed at a reasonable hour and get up at a reasonable hour and to not ever watch any jewellery shopping channels ever again, as the money will not be available and she will just torture herself. She agreed this was probably for the best. Whether she sticks to that or not I don't know and is up to her. But she now knows [or thinks] the money in the account is gone and she seemed fine about it. Edited November 20, 2016 by Lisa O`Brien 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted November 20, 2016 Author Share Posted November 20, 2016 Glad to hear it Lisa On a practical note could she get a pre-pay credit card? You can top up with cash at the post office/ some banks and you can only spend what you've loaded on there so no issues with debts etc. That might be an option for her. I'll look into it online for her. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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