Hoping to find love this year.

[alison]

One of them doesn`t even have a profile picture up. I could be talking to anyone.

 

You could, of course, be talking to "anyone" with any of them.  Who's to say the picture is genuinely of the person you're talking to?

[Lisa O`Brien]

You could, of course, be talking to "anyone" with any of them.  Who's to say the picture is genuinely of the person you're talking to?

That`s true,Alison.

[Lisa O`Brien]

Just to give you an update regarding the man I got talking to via Twitter from Crewe who likes ballet. [box ticked for liking ballet]. He is off to see Shrew tonight at the cinema. He's also a United fan [ticks box] [we were talking about how much longer Louis Van Gaal is going to be in his job,and the two of us were hoping and praying he's going to be replaced by Mourinho, and soon.] But he is so easy to "talk " to. We have lots in common and similar outlooks on life. He has never been married and has no children. [Ticks both boxes ]. He`s exactly the same age as me [another tick]. He is a non smoker [tick]. He too suffers from IBS and knows what a nuisance it is [tick]. He likes Mozart [tick]. He has the same political outlook as me [tick]. We have been "talking" for hours. Were on Facebook,chatting  to each other until 2.30 this morning. 

[Fiz]

Good luck!

[Lisa O`Brien]

I KNEW there was something else too,but couldn`t remember it. He also like me,really likes Professor Brian Cox [although probably not in the same way I like him !!].He has tickets to go and see him give a talk in a few months time. He like me,really likes watching Stargazing Live each January when it comes around,and loved all three documentaries Brian made.

[Harwel]

That sounds very promising Lisa. Good luck.

[alison]

This sounds very promising, Lisa - unless perhaps it sounds *too* promising?  Not that I want to put you off, but with the considerable number of boxes he's ticking I'd want to make sure that his knowledge of everything you've listed is more than surface-deep.  There *are* con-artists - and worse - out there who will claim to like everything you like in an attempt to get your interest.  I'd actually be more keen to see that he disagrees with you on a few things.  Be careful not to let your guard down completely yet.

[Anon2]

I am hoping I'm wrong but I have the same reservations as Alison.

It is so easy for someone to find out so much about you if you are active on social media. And as I've found you don't need to be a computer whizz to do so. When you are talking to someone on line you can't read them as you can when meeting face to face.

Go slowly and carefully Lisa.

[Lisa O`Brien]

I HAD considered this. And am considering it still. There was something about him I was going to tell you all the other day but wasn`t sure. I would hate for him to be identified. He is 48 and has always lived at home with his mother. When he was 19 he was diagnosed with Chrohns and four years later had to have a permanent ileostomy fitted. He was working at a gym as a qualified fitness instructor at the time and had plans become professional bodybuilder.He told me he was already painfully shy as a teenager,almost introverted. But this set him back even more. He told me he felt unable to approach or talk to women because of it,coupled with his shyness. He has revealed to me that he has never had a relationship with a woman,not even a one night stand. Now,i`m sure i`m not alone in this,but in my mind I had always thought that someone like that,there was something "wrong" with them, if you know what I mean. But looking at his Facebook page he seems ,on the surface at least,to be "normal",in that he has friends who live nearby ,who he meets up regularly with. So he`s not a loner .He also works full time. With him living in England and me over here it`s highly probable that we may never even meet up. But for now,at least,I am enjoying our "chats".But yes,I am keeping a very open mind,especially when there is something else we "appear" to have in commons. But thanks for your concerns anyway,folks. I`m not exactly vastly experienced with the opposite sex myself and have only ever had two proper relationships.

[sarahw]

It's a real minefield isn't it? At least you have your eyes open and you never know.....

[Lisa O`Brien]

Well a quick update. I cancelled my details on both dating websites. There was a news report on Sky News last week that said about the huge rise in rapes in the UK which were due to women who initially met a man on an online dating site. Kind of freaked me out a little. 

[Jacqueline]

Well a quick update. I cancelled my details on both dating websites. There was a news report on Sky News last week that said about the huge rise in rapes in the UK which were due to women who initially met a man on an online dating site. Kind of freaked me out a little. 

I am glad to hear you have made that decision. You just don't know who you are dealing with. I hope you will still find love but sometimes it happens when you go with the flow, rather than trying to engineer things. Good luck!!

[sarahw]

That does seem a sensible thing to do. Maybe you could join evening classes or similar to extend social circles?

[alison]

Not that I want to put Lisa off even more, but I've just come across an article on dating scammers, so thought I ought to post it here so it gets a wider audience:

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/12148131/Dating-scams-on-the-rise-A-fraudster-conned-me-out-of-thousands.html

[Lisa O`Brien]

Wow.Yes one of the men DID want us to phone each other. I had absolutely no intention of giving him my telephone number and he soon got fed up.

[aileen]

Well, an awful lot of people do seem to meet online these days, but you do have to take sensible precautions. The Guardian website has two weekly columns about online dating: a 'problem page' (Swipe Right) and a diary of one woman's experiences of online dating (Mid Life Ex Wife). They make interesting reading but I don't know how much is fictional and how much is real.

[alison]

There *could* of course be completely genuine reasons why a man might do some of the things mentioned, rather than nefarious ones.  You shouldn't automatically assume the worst of anyone.  On the other hand, you also shouldn't assume that every man (or woman, for that matter) you encounter online is exactly who they say they are: they could be a potential scammer, rapist, con artist or anything else.  It just pays to be aware that you *don't* actually have any independently corroborrated proof that they are who they say they are, that their appearance/job is as they portray it, their relationship/family status is as represented, in fact anything at all - and to be aware of the characteristic features of the scams that some people perpetrate, particularly in relation to online dating sites - and exert extreme caution, as I'm sure any dating site worth its salt will recommend in detail.

[Lisa O`Brien]

There IS actually someone who lives a couple of villages away who I have cared about very deeply,even shall I say loved,for many years now. He was a close friend of Sean's father. I never loved Sean`s dad; I just felt incredibly sorry for him and wanted to try and help him sort out his life as much as I could. That,of course,isn't love,but at the time I didn't know any better. The very same day I first met this man I felt a connection with him. It was all subconscious. I actually had no idea that I had feelings for him. This man was everything Sean`s father wasn`t. When I left Sean`s father when I became pregnant and went back to live at my mum's I realised one day that I hadn't stopped talking about him for a good hour. I still didn't twig however. But when my mum died and I moved back here when wee Sean was two he came round to visit Big Sean one day not long after and I was also there. It was like being hit in the face with a brick, the shock at how I felt towards him. I have such admiration and respect for him. Yes, an alcoholic,like Big Sean. But he has been sober for over 35 years now. Never fell off the wagon once. He is an orphan; I don`t think he had a particularly happy childhood but I know he has no desire to find any living relations. Left school with no qualifications. Worked for most of his adult life as a bricklayer. Big Sean was a mature student at uni,studying for a Humanities degree,which he never finished. Big Sean persuaded his friend to attend an adult access course,where anyone can do the course and achieve 5 GCSE`s and 3 A Levels. He passed them with flying colours. Off to uni. He obtained a first class Honours degree. A Masters,ditto. Then a PHD I think. He is now a qualified Psychologist and also works part time at the college as a Psychology lecturer.[sean will actually have him teach him the Psychology module IF he stays to do the HND next year]. He was married and has two grown up children,but his wife did the dirty on him.Then he put up the barriers. Sean was always suggesting he get back out there and see if he could meet someone,but he was having none of it.Then he DID meet a woman. He spent ages complaining to us about her though. Why? Because "She thinks i`m wonderful". That was clearly the wrong thing for her to say to him. Even though I wholeheartedly agree with her,as do most of the women he teaches,apparently.He isn`t stupid [obviously] and by this time he was aware I had feelings for him. Me and my friend were collecting for our children`s nursery in a supermarket one day. He walks in. Seems pleased to see me so he stops to have a chat,asking me all about what we were doing. I had previously told my friend collecting with me all about him. He walked away further into the supermarket. I call to my friend and say,"Naomi,that`s HIM".!!" I.E. The one I had been telling her about. When the man comes back out of the supermarket he walks straight past me with his shopping. I say goodbye to him, and he completely ignores me.That was his way of telling me he heard what I said and he didn`t like it one bit. Another time he was in our local supermarket [a different one !].I was with a different friend of mine. Yes ,of course I had told her all about him too. He was chatting to me and her,friendly as anything. Then he went in to the shop. Me and my friend carried on talking outside. I was determined not to make the same mistake this time. We just carried on our conversation and I didn`t mention him at all. I just happened to notice out of the corner of my eye that he was standing in the doorway,slightly hidden,but clearly trying to listen to our conversation. I think [in fact I know ] he was listening to see if I was talking about him in a "loved up" kind of way. I know that makes him sound either egotistical or mad. But Sean once told me that his marriage breaking up affected him so badly that he didn`t think he ever got over it and would probably never allow any woman to get close to him again. Which brings us to the last time I saw him. We were chatting about wee Sean`s course [he met Sean a few times when Sean was young]. Suddenly there is a pause between us. Then he says," I think about you sometimes". I didn`t dare reciprocate,as that would have sent him running for the hills. So I just said,"Oh". and changed the subject. He is so,so complex. I adore him I really do. But if I ever spend any amount of time with him I have to act all cool and not really interested in him ,or else he can`t seem to cope with it. He knows full well how I feel about him and always have. But I don`t think I could ever be with him like that, just as a friend,going for outings,and not be able to be myself with him.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Lisa O`Brien

[Fiz]

How horribly complicated, Lisa. I'm really sorry.

[alison]

Sometimes we fail to see what's under our noses

[Jacqueline]

Wow, what a tale of complicated lives. It sounds like one of those abstract French films where people circle each other and never say what they feel.

After a while, one can't help but think hey, life is short, don't waste it wondering what could've,would've,should've if only this, that or the other. Gird up your loins or whatever and say what you mean and how you feel. You can be subtle about it but still direct.

 I am not qualified to say whether he is 'egotistical or mad', although I did once know somebody who used to hang around outside doors, listening to conversations and that didn't go well for him. Your acquaintance certainly sounds as though he has some problems, which really only he can resolve. 

If you can't or don't think you could relax and be yourself in his company, because he is so overly sensitive, that would be no kind of relationship for either of you and especially you. Why should you compromise your chance of happiness and even love to help somebody who is quite old enough to sort themselves out.

Next time you get into one of those 'I think about you sometimes' conversations, come back at him with something like ' Oh, what do you think?'. Perhaps that's what he hoped you would say rather than changing the subject. Don't ask him closed questions or be too afraid of upsetting him, get him to talk to you, preferably somewhere there is little or no interference or chance of being interrupted. As it appears he knows how you feel, he is controlling you with the hot and cold behaviour. It amazes me how many people are qualified in and/or teach subjects such as psychology and yet don't seem to have any sort of understanding of themselves.

Do what you think is right for you, this is your life and you only get one!

[LinMM]

Well you don't want to be back in a similar situation to the one with Seans father where you "felt sorry for him" etc.

 

Sometimes it's hard to see patterns we have and then we end up in similar unproductive situations in relationships.

 

With the children thing why don't you just go the whole hog so to speak and say no children under 21 ....then officially an adult and hopefully through full time education!

 

If you've done your bit as a parent why get involved with the complications of others children especially if still very dependent on mum and dad and living at home......though I know these days this can go on till early 20's! However even in today's climate I know by the age of 21 at least I would have found a way of not living at home still!!

 

Of course I'm quite a bit older than you so am imagining how I would feel if suddenly had to start dating again!! To be honest after 60 I don't think I could be bothered again at least not in a formal sense!

 

Maybe you can try to trust some established dating sites ( certainly not a dating App site which I think Tinder is ......too risky ....though maybe okay for the under 25's who may be up for experimenting with Life to a degree not appropriate for an older person I think)

 

I do have a couple of friends who have used dating sites and met some very reasonable people and had some good experiences but none married as yet from these sites!!

[Fiz]

I was reading earlier of a man on trial for alleged rape and assault charges. He had been on Match.com and apparently when one victim tried to warn the website about how dangerous this man was, they didn't want to know. We all need to be very careful on these sites.

[LinMM]

I will try to find out what dating sites my friends used

 

They don't any more as have met people not via the dating site!! One of them had been married before and isn't bothered about marriage again happy just to have a relationship that's working!

The other friend is more seriously looking for someone but will find out what they recommend.

 

I met my current partner of 30 years walking the cat!!

[Jacqueline]

Which one of you was walking the cat LinMM? That must have been a good intro!

The only time I went on an arranged date, was a total disaster. It was years before online dating, back in the days of newspaper small ads and 'phone numbers, the paper being the Brighton Evening Argus. My purpose was to try and make the man I was in love with at the time and who wouldn't commit, jealous if he thought there might be someone else. Ridiculous I know. 

I was working in a shop on Western Road in Brighton at the time and arranged to meet this bloke outside after we closed. Being safety conscious, I shifted my place of work a few doors down outside another shop, not that this would have made any difference really, if he wanted to find me again.

Anyway, he turned up at the appointed time and in a very nifty red sports car. That turned out to be the only good news. Safety forgotten, I got into the car with a guy who was essentially, a complete stranger and off we went to a pub in Lewes for some reason. Perhaps there weren't any pubs in Brighton in 1981, or more likely he didn't want to risk being seen with a 'strange' woman.

There was no spark of attraction between us, not for me at any rate and the conversation had dried up by the time we passed Sussex University. We had an excruciating couple of hours in Lewes, during which he told me about the care home he allegedly owned and ran and I told him about the shop where he thought I worked. One retail job is much the same as another I guess.

This is when it gets really dumb on my part. He offered to give me a lift home, which was in a town called Haywards Heath, roughly 12-15 miles from Lewes. I did not know Lewes too well then or whether I could get a train/bus so late at night. I couldn't afford a taxi.

So, I accepted his offer of a lift and off we went, for some reason back towards Brighton and then over Ditchling Beacon, which is a well known beauty spot, high up and famous for the views but not necessarily somewhere you would go at night. He asked me if I would like to stop, which can only mean one thing. I said of course not, it's the middle of the flippin' night. Maybe that cooled his jets, I don't know, but we didn't stop until we got to H.H.

My next problem was how to get rid of him without making it too obvious I didn't want him to know where I lived. I remember telling him I was feeling sick and could he please drop me off by the railway station. I could walk home from there easily, but he didn't know that. So, he did as asked and drove off. Rather than just walk off, I assumed the barfing position in case he was watching. Unfortunately he was, he drove round the roundabout and came back, stopping to ask if I was okay. I said I was and he finally drove off. Perhaps he was a decent bloke after all. The flame of romance just wasn't there and luckily, I never heard from him again.

The irony of it was that it had no effect on my true love as he could never know. I had not been successful in engineering 'someone else' to make him jealous and I could hardly tell him about my hilarious evening out. In the end we split up, because he wouldn't get off the commitment fence and it was, frankly, tedious. 

Our last date was an afternoon walk at Cuckmere Haven and along the Seven Sisters. He thought he would amuse me by standing near the edge and doing that windmill thing with his arms as though he was going to fall off. Apparently, I made no effort to save him or even look particularly concerned. He was upset and accused me of not really loving him. I think he may have been right by then!

I met the man who was to become my husband of the last 30 years, quite by chance. You just never know who or what is round the corner!!