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Hoping to find love this year.


Lisa O`Brien
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To say i`ve been unlucky in love would be an understatement. Not that i`ve had lots of relationships or anything ,because I haven`t. The first man I ever had even the slightest kind of romantic interest in was the singer where I was dancing. I adored him; thought he was wonderful. He was gay. So that was the end of that. Before it even started ! Then I was off to Japan and I fell for our boss. He was married. Didn`t stop me having a fling with him. Big mistake !! While ,at 20,I thought I was being all grown up and sophisticated,seeing a married man,I didn`t count on falling head over heels in love with him. It broke my heart,the reality he would never be mine. Still to this day,28 years later and I have never loved anyone as much as I loved my Japanese boyfriend.  Many many years on my own. Biological clock ticking,so I placed an ad in a lonely hearts column. Received about 42 replies.! Some of them seemed really nice. Me ,my sister and my mum poured through them all, making piles consisting of " No ways","possibles" and "very positives". There were 6 "very positives". I decided to write to all six "very positives",and see what progressed,taking my time to get to know them all individually. Except that one of them was really pushy. He wanted to come over to Manchester to meet me [He was in Ireland] ASAP. Like,3 weeks later. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I should have run for the hills at that point,from someone who was obviously so "desperate". But being naiive about relationships and yes,flattered,that this man wanted to jump on a plane to meet me ,I agreed. I stopped writing to the other 5 "very positives". The man who came over to Manchester was to become my son`s father. So I guess it was fate, if such a thing exists. I should have run a mile when he told me he was an alcoholic,but I was so naiive that I didn`t really fully understand what alcoholism was. I thought it was just someone who drank too much. We hit it off. I wasn`t in the slightest bit attracted to him,but he was kind and generous and made a big fuss of me. I wasn`t used to this and it felt nice. When he went back home we kept in touch ,then out of the blue he asked me to move in with him in Ireland and see what happens. Having never lived with a man before, and indeed never having had even a serious relationship before,I wasn`t sure. But he was almost insistent I at least give it a go for a few months and see what happens. Do you know how they say you don`t really know someone until you live with them? I should have left him after the first fortnight. But I kept telling myself things would get better. 6 weeks after moving in with him I became pregnant. I was ecstatic.! I was 28 and had been broody for a child for years. Ironically it was my becoming pregnant that made me decide to leave him and move back to my mum`s flat in Manchester. If he had been sober,and working and responsible,I would probably have stayed. Now my son`s father has been dead for 8 years,and our son Sean is 19 next month. I am 48 and i`ve decided it`s time to "get back out there",so to speak. I did have a relationship with a man I had known for years and had been a friend of my son`s father. Until he did the dirty with his ex behind my back, on more than one occasion. So I have decided to "get back out there". But it`s a bit difficult when you don`t drink or really socialise,so I have gone back to a tried and [sort of] trusted format and placed two ads in two different free lonely hearts columns. Except most men, whatever their own age,like women to be young. They are not interested in a 48 year old with a grown up child. One man who contacted me seemed really nice. He lives near me but he wanted to "give it all up" and live a completely electronic -free life with no TV,music or computer and is looking for a female to share the same lifestyle. Er,no thanks. Everyone I know is either married or is in a long term relationship. I`m the only person I know,for instance on Facebook, among my friends,who are on their own. So i`ll keep looking on these dating websites and see if there is any sort of a spark with anyone. My son is the best thing that came out of my relationship with his father. In fact my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But now that he is all but grown up I want to see if I can ,for the first time in my life, meet someone really special. 

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My neighbour was successful in finding a new feller when she was in her 50's. Her first hubby left (ran off with her best friend) and she was alone for a while. She finally took the plunge and found her new man online. They've been married about 10 years now, and have quite a lot of grandchildren between them.

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Have you thought about online dating Lisa.  There are quite a few free sites out there now and although there seems to be plenty of frogs, there are also one or two princes.  My best friend has met the love of her life through PoF and they have been happily together for 6 months now.  Plus we had a great time trawling through the site and chatting to some nice, some strange and some downright naughty men.  As long as you take it for what it is, there is the possibility of true love or even a great friendship if nothing else.

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I wish you the best of luck Lisa, I am sure there is someone out there for you and you deserve some happiness in love for sure.  I second the suggestion to maybe look into online dating as online seems to be the way to go for most things so I expect for dating it would be more popular also.

 

And I really would not worry about your age or having a child your son's age.  I have several friends who found themselves cheated on and single in their  mid thirties and early forties.  They all at some point have said men seemed put off by the child(ren) being aged between about 10-16/7 .  As the child becomes an adult it seems less of an issue somehow.  All of these friends are now about 50  - one married a couple of months ago and the others are in relationships.  Age is just a number - just be yourself

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Cheers,everyone. I know i`m not alone in ,er,being alone[!]. But it occurred to me looking at my Facebook friend`s list that everyone I know is WITH someone,either married or in a long term relationship. How did I get to this situation? Most of my friends are financially secure.Why? Because they have a husband who provides for them. They have a companion to share everyday trivialities with. I`ve been thinking over the past few months of wanting to move back to Manchester. I wonder what on earth am I doing here? I`m not from here, and have no family here. Of course,the only way I would ever move anywhere else is if Sean was to move there,and he loves it here,so doesn`t want to go anywhere. I just feel at a crossroads in my life at the moment [mid life crisis,I guess]. Not just with the lack of a relationship, but with a whole lot of other things. Sorry,i`m just having a winge and a moan.!

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Michigan may not be such a bad thing. He may be somebody you can 'chat' with and build up a nice online friendship. A lot less pressure at that distance, especially if you are just looking to see who is out there for now. Just be careful!!! With all the horror stories one hears about, there are a lot of scammers out there as well. If Mr Michigan swears undying love and devotion and wants to come visit you, if you could just send him the fare and a bit of extra for spends and lawyers fees, as he is currently in prison although of course, entirely innocent, run for the hills girl! :)

Good luck with whatever you do. As you say, you are at a bit of a crossroads at the moment. Nothing is more unsettling than uncertainty about the future, possible regrets about the past and that feeling that you are the only person you know who is not in a relationship. You may have a bit of the winter blues as well. You sound like a fine mother and a nice person. I hope you find somebody or something that brings you personal happiness. 

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I`ve just sent a message to a man who lives in Ballina,Co.Mayo. I know the place very well, as it`s where Sean`s late father came from. His mother and  sister and a brother still live there. I actually hardly ever go there now. Sean senior is buried there and it`s too painful. [i think a few of you know he committed suicide and it was me who found him]. The River Moy is very famous for its salmon fishing. Most summers you can see Jack Charlton,who has a holiday home nearby,up to his waist in water. Apparently buying a permit to fish there costs thousands.

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OK. I`ve a question for people. As you know I have a son,who is soon to be 19. I was in a relationship with a man [the one who was seeing his ex behind my back],and he had two boys with her,both a couple of years younger than Sean. It seemed ideal at first as all three boys were at the same primary school and knew one another. However there was all sorts of conflict with my son and  my boyfriend`s eldest ganging up on the younger one and leaving him out. Not to mention his crazy [literally] ex interfering in our relationship. So I put in my profile that even though I have a child I want to meet someone who doesn`t have any children. Someone contacted me and said I was being a bit unfair; I have a child so why am I being insistent on a man not having any? I would really,really prefer it if I met someone who had no children,but I suppose they could say the same thing about me. Am I being unrealistic,expecting to meet a half decent bloke in his late forties or fifties who has no children?

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I think issues with children often do occur when they are younger, rather than as they become adults.  It is not only a question of maturity of feelings and behaviour of the children but also as you say of having the contact with the other parent of your new partner's child or children.  That is not necessarily an issue when the children are grown up - you don't need babysitters etc and a new partner is not going to be a 'new mum' or 'dad' for the adult child.  I would try not to let past experience bother you too much on this issue.  I suspect that many men and women in their forties or fifties who are out there looking for a relationship are there because of bereavement or divorce and many will have children but those children may well have grown up and may not even live with them anymore or even have families of their own.  So you may well be narrowing down your possibilities by saying 'no children' but ultimately Lisa, it is your life and your choice and you have to go with what makes you happy.

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Thanks sdancersmum. The messages are coming in thick and fast now. There are 5 messaging me. One that seems quite nice,has four children that all live with him,and are all under 16. I`m sorry,he may be the nicest man in the world,but no.Just no. Totally off putting.

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Dear Munchkin16, Tinder can be downright poisonous! Don't even think of it, Lisa! :o

It can? Sorry I didn't mean to suggest something wrong, I just know there are some nice interesting people on there and you search by location so you wouldn't have to move to Michigan to find someone :) maybe myself and my friends have been lucky?

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Yes,you`re right,Munchkin. Two of the five men have given me their mobile phone numbers and want mine and want us to text each other. But i`ve told both of them to slow down. One of them doesn`t even have a profile picture up. I could be talking to anyone. I suggested we take things incredibly slowly,and just find out about each other for a good few weeks before texting. If they don`t like that then tough. I`m not in any desperate rush or anything.

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