I have a dilemna with a friend. What would you do?

[Lisa O`Brien]

I have a good friend I have known since primary and secondary school. Although we were not really close while at school, over the years via social media we have become so. We have opened up to each other and confided in each other. She is warm, kind, caring and a wife and mother to three wonderful sons. Her youngest, who is now eight years old, has been home schooled by her for the past two years. The child claimed to have had his head shoved down a toilet by older children and he cried and refused to return to school. The school investigated and found no evidence whatsoever that the incident ever took place. However my friend, like most mothers wanted to do what was best for her child. The boy begged his parents not to send him back to school. Instead of finding a different school for him, they ( mainly the mother) have kept him off school ever since. The school used to telephone and threaten them with prosecution all the time, but now over a year has passed and they have stopped ringing. She has a set itinerary for him each day and she plans his lessons at specific times. She also takes him to trampolining lessons and nature lessons/trips to places and meet ups with other home schooled children. She said she has not seen her son as happy in years. Now this is my dilemna and I have had it for over a year now. My friend's spelling, punctuation and grammar are awful. Every post she makes, almost on a daily basis, are littered with the most basic of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. Really basic things. Now i'm not perfect at the English language; far from it. Yet I am not educating an eight year old daily either. I am concerned she doesn't realise and is passing those errors on to her youngest. In every post she puts commas where apostrophes are supposed to be and vice versa. For instance when she writes we've, instead she writes we,ve. When she writes i'm , instead she writes i,m. Today she wrote "On are way home" instead of our. Now, i'm assuming that nobody has so far pointed any of this out to her. Do I say something, in the nicest way possible? For the sake of her educating her young son? As a 50 year old, it probably no longer matters how her spelling and grammar are. Yet to that little boy, when I think of how she must be teaching him the wrong things, it makes me concerned. If he goes to a school when he is 11, ( and she said she will decide nearer the time whether to continue home-schooling him at that age or not), how far behind is he going to be? Am I doing her and her son a massive disservice in NOT saying something now before he gets any older? Will she be offended and upset I have pointed this out to her? Will she be upset if or when her son reaches secondary school and is unable to spell or use grammar correctly, that nobody had the decency to tell her beforehand? If it was me and it was my child being educated at home by me, if I were making such simple mistakes in my teaching with him I would jolly well want to know, sooner rather than later. I haven't seen her face to face to speak to in over 30 years. So I don't know how she would take it. Do I say nothing, and just let her carry on ? What would other people do? Many thanks. ( Sorry it's so long). x

Edited May 25, 2018 by Lisa O`Brien

[AnneMarriott]

As far as punctuation is concerned, it may be that your friend's keyboard has the apostrophe on a different page from the comma.  She may use the comma to avoid the inconvenience of navigating between pages.  Is that the only punctuation error?  Or does she use a comma where there should be a full stop or put an apostrophe before the 's' in a plural?  'are' instead of 'our' sounds like a different matter - more a question of mentally "speaking" what she is writing.  Whether you should speak to her about this is a tricky question, but I'm a bit surprised that the education authorities are not overseeing this home schooling to ensure that the educator is suitably equipped to do the job.

[invisiblecircus]

It's "dilemma," not "dilemna." Sorry, couldn't resist
 

15 hours ago, Lisa O`Brien said:

If he goes to a school when he is 11, ( and she said she will decide nearer the time whether to continue home-schooling him at that age or not), how far behind is he going to be? Am I doing her and her son a massive disservice in NOT saying something now before he gets any older? Will she be offended and upset I have pointed this out to her? Will she be upset if or when her son reaches secondary school and is unable to spell or use grammar correctly, that nobody had the decency to tell her beforehand?

 

I think it's really nice o you to care so much, but as frustrating as it may be to keep quiet, I would deinitely mind my own business on this and not give any unsolicited advice. Her son will most likely be being exposed to material other than that created by his mum, so he will have the opportunity to pick up on correct grammar from other sources and will hopefully even be given some specific exercises on it from a text book.

 

If he does end up going to a secondary school and is behind, the school should be able to provide the necessary support to get him up to speed.

[Lisa O`Brien]

Thanks Anne. Just scrolled down her Facebook posts over the last few months. No full stops or commas. What has come up time and time again is her mixing up "our" and "are". She writes, "On are way home". "She,s are mini guard dog". " Seeds our growing nicely". "Corbyn and his cronies". Cronies spelled cronnies. You might be right about the keyboard, I don't know. I know it is none of my damn business. But she has thrown herself into this home educating with her heart and soul, I know she has. She told me the school rang her every day for months, but the last time was over six months ago. No formal letter from the education authority or anything. I think they are just letting her get on with it. As I say it is absolutely none of my business, but as a friend, I too want what's best for both her and her son. 

[Lisa O`Brien]

1 minute ago, invisiblecircus said:

It's "dilemma," not "dilemna." Sorry, couldn't resist
 

 

I think it's really nice o you to care so much, but as frustrating as it may be to keep quiet, I would deinitely mind my own business on this and not give any unsolicited advice. Her son will most likely be being exposed to material other than that created by his mum, so he will have the opportunity to pick up on correct grammar from other sources and will hopefully even be given some specific exercises on it from a text book.

 

If he does end up going to a secondary school and is behind, the school should be able to provide the necessary support to get him up to speed.

Yes, thanks invisible. I did Google the spelling and it said you could spell it either way. I think with the "N" is possibly American. As I said my English is far from perfect. And i'm not the sole educator of an eight year old.

[Jan McNulty]

I have found the our/are is a predictive text issue on my phone.  I have to recheck before I post.  I've noticed this with quite a few people's posts recently.  Maybe this happens with your friend and she hasn't noticed.

 

I'd keep out of it though as it could cause a lot of hurt/embarrassment if you said anything.

 

The only thing I think you could do is do something deliberately.  For instance "I've been thinking about are school days" and post it.  And then do another post saying "blumming predictive text has done it again - I meant our school days - sorry". 

[invisiblecircus]

2 hours ago, Lisa O`Brien said:

Yes, thanks invisible. I did Google the spelling and it said you could spell it either way. I think with the "N" is possibly American. As I said my English is far from perfect. And i'm not the sole educator of an eight year old.

 

After reading that, I googled it too and didn't find any sources that said it could be spelled either way, but hilariously, there is a whole website dedicated to the topic! http://dilemna.info/index.php

If she's withdrawn her son from school, I don't think she can expect any further contact from them as in the UK, everyone has the legal right to educate their children from home and they don't have to follow any set syllabus.

 

1 hour ago, Jan McNulty said:

I'd keep out of it though as it could cause a lot of hurt/embarrassment if you said anything.

 

 

I agree with this, as tempting as it may be to say something.

It sounds as if she hasn't made her mind up about what to do about secondary school yet. I think that if she brings that topic up with you, you could definitely say something along the lines of "You could always send him and see how he gets on" without being offensive.

 

I've just read your OP again and this alleged incident with the toilet happened when he was 6 years old?! And the 6 year old insisted on not going back to school?

 

18 hours ago, Lisa O`Brien said:

The child claimed to have had his head shoved down a toilet by older children and he cried and refused to return to school. The school investigated and found no evidence whatsoever that the incident ever took place.

 

What kind of evidence were they expecting to find? I certainly wouldn't dismiss the incident based on lack of evidence. What would worry me in all of this is not the mother's capability to give her son an adequate home education but whether that child got some sort of counseling or therapy following what happened. This would also help ease him into back in to a different school. Unfortunately, it's probably too late for you to suggest this two years later, but if she ever mentions the incident again to you, you could enquire whether he ever got any counseling at the time.

[Maria87]

On 26/05/2018 at 00:55, Lisa O`Brien said:

I have a good friend I have known since primary and secondary school. Although we were not really close while at school, over the years via social media we have become so. We have opened up to each other and confided in each other. She is warm, kind, caring and a wife and mother to three wonderful sons. Her youngest, who is now eight years old, has been home schooled by her for the past two years. The child claimed to have had his head shoved down a toilet by older children and he cried and refused to return to school. The school investigated and found no evidence whatsoever that the incident ever took place. However my friend, like most mothers wanted to do what was best for her child. The boy begged his parents not to send him back to school. Instead of finding a different school for him, they ( mainly the mother) have kept him off school ever since. The school used to telephone and threaten them with prosecution all the time, but now over a year has passed and they have stopped ringing. She has a set itinerary for him each day and she plans his lessons at specific times. She also takes him to trampolining lessons and nature lessons/trips to places and meet ups with other home schooled children. She said she has not seen her son as happy in years. Now this is my dilemna and I have had it for over a year now. My friend's spelling, punctuation and grammar are awful. Every post she makes, almost on a daily basis, are littered with the most basic of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. Really basic things. Now i'm not perfect at the English language; far from it. Yet I am not educating an eight year old daily either. I am concerned she doesn't realise and is passing those errors on to her youngest. In every post she puts commas where apostrophes are supposed to be and vice versa. For instance when she writes we've, instead she writes we,ve. When she writes i'm , instead she writes i,m. Today she wrote "On are way home" instead of our. Now, i'm assuming that nobody has so far pointed any of this out to her. Do I say something, in the nicest way possible? For the sake of her educating her young son? As a 50 year old, it probably no longer matters how her spelling and grammar are. Yet to that little boy, when I think of how she must be teaching him the wrong things, it makes me concerned. If he goes to a school when he is 11, ( and she said she will decide nearer the time whether to continue home-schooling him at that age or not), how far behind is he going to be? Am I doing her and her son a massive disservice in NOT saying something now before he gets any older? Will she be offended and upset I have pointed this out to her? Will she be upset if or when her son reaches secondary school and is unable to spell or use grammar correctly, that nobody had the decency to tell her beforehand? If it was me and it was my child being educated at home by me, if I were making such simple mistakes in my teaching with him I would jolly well want to know, sooner rather than later. I haven't seen her face to face to speak to in over 30 years. So I don't know how she would take it. Do I say nothing, and just let her carry on ? What would other people do? Many thanks. ( Sorry it's so long). x

i would talk to her in a kind manner and make sure she undertands you want the best for her and her sons. This is sad, as i know what you mean and feel, as i have same friend. He is a highly-qualified manager, but when he sends any email without commas and full stops it is confusing. I talked to him and he started taking care about this more than before.