Jump to content

Sibling Rivalry


Leapinglizards

Recommended Posts

My oldest DD loved all types of dance and excelled from a young age from performances to exams . Her dance teacher advised that due to her body type classical ballet would not be a possibility for a career . She still auditioned for vocational school at her insistence and broke her heart when it was an expected no. Her sister two years younger and much shyer never got chosen for any big parts and often got lower exam results than her sister , however her dance teacher said she had incredible physical facility . Last year she became a JA and 5 month later ending up on the audition tread mill. Without expection of a place anywhere. She was offered at place at the very school her sister so desperately wanted to go to. Initially she was happy for her but now she seems to be taking it very personally and there seems to be a distance between them. This makes me very sad especially as my youngest daughter will board from September. Has anyone experienced this ? Or have any ideas on how to deal with the situation? TIA

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Best of luck with what is a really hard situation. As a teacher I’ve seen it a few times (not quite to that extent) and honestly I’m not sure there is a best way of dealing with it. Quite often I’ve seen the older sibling change their dream so they are no longer “competing” with their sibling, or simply quit dancing altogether, partly to stop themselves being hurt I think. 

 

Do your girls have another shared interest you could get them to bond over ? 

 

I guess a real mixed bag of emotions for you, I really don’t envy you! 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

All I can offer is, focus on the talents and abilities of what your eldest can do rather than focus on what might have been. 

Balance out the needs and attention to both, don't expect them not to express their emotions as that would be unfair but focus on ways thay they can express them without and upsetting each other.

Celebrate the differences and aim to ensure your eldest receives equal attention over time especially leading up to September.

If you pay too much attention on the rivarly and then react it may well fuel the divide between them. It is hard as the pain and dissappointment is real and can't be ignored. The girls maywell feed off other comments and attention made by family members, the odd comment here and there can well manifest itself out of all proportion. 

It's the way the family handle it as a whole can assist this rivarly fade over time.  

Sometimes rivarly/dissappointment can be the driving force into a sibling excelling in another path that is then recognised just on a different tiemscale.

Their time will come. Just keep reminding and reassuring them of that. 

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh dear, I feel for all of you, not an easy situation.

I would agree to not pay too much attention to the rivalry. Praise each of them for their achievements and try not to compare. Focus on what your eldest is good at and not what might have been - the journey through life is unique to each of us

I would imagine both girls have mixed feelings at the moment that is creating a bit of distance between them - jealousy, disappointment, excitement coupled with guilt. I'm sure time will heal that gap - you are at the worst stage - the anticipating your youngest DD going when you have the uncertainty for the whole family of what life will like from September. It is a time when feelings and emotions are at their highest and things will settle again once your are in your new routine.

Does your eldest DD still dance and want a career dancing? My DD1 does not have typical classical ballet body but got accepted to vocational school at 16. She now dances professionally - not a ballet company - but there are loads of dance contracts out there that include ballet (and pointe) other than classical ballet companies.  DD2 was gutted when DD1 went away - wouldn't even talk to her on the phone the first term (not angry- said it hurt to much to hear her voice) but they were soon as close if not closer than ever. DD2 has by now decided not to pursue a dance career - they all have their own paths to follow.

When you find yourself on your own with your eldest over the summer, perhaps see if there is anything she fancies doing - a few treats once her sister has gone - on the basis that you do have a bit more free time. I took mine to the theatre to see a show of her choosing, had a shopping trip and she had friends over for tea/sleepover a bit more often (note we went from 3 children at home to just 1 as son went to uni a week after DD1 left).

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whilst your eldest may not have the body of a ballerina, she has the ethics and focus of a dancer and may excel in another form such as contemporary where that ballet technique will give her a heads tart.  It is more usual to start this later.  COuld you access the Summer Courses at The Place for example, could you consider a CAT if this might be a path she would enjoy exploring and taking on a new challenge in?

 

Heather

aka Taximom

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

58 minutes ago, 2dancersmum said:

oh dear, I feel for all of you, not an easy situation.

I would agree to not pay too much attention to the rivalry. Praise each of them for their achievements and try not to compare. Focus on what your eldest is good at and not what might have been - the journey through life is unique to each of us

I would imagine both girls have mixed feelings at the moment that is creating a bit of distance between them - jealousy, disappointment, excitement coupled with guilt. I'm sure time will heal that gap - you are at the worst stage - the anticipating your youngest DD going when you have the uncertainty for the whole family of what life will like from September. It is a time when feelings and emotions are at their highest and things will settle again once your are in your new routine.

Does your eldest DD still dance and want a career dancing? My DD1 does not have typical classical ballet body but got accepted to vocational school at 16. She now dances professionally - not a ballet company - but there are loads of dance contracts out there that include ballet (and pointe) other than classical ballet companies.  DD2 was gutted when DD1 went away - wouldn't even talk to her on the phone the first term (not angry- said it hurt to much to hear her voice) but they were soon as close if not closer than ever. DD2 has by now decided not to pursue a dance career - they all have their own paths to follow.

When you find yourself on your own with your eldest over the summer, perhaps see if there is anything she fancies doing - a few treats once her sister has gone - on the basis that you do have a bit more free time. I took mine to the theatre to see a show of her choosing, had a shopping trip and she had friends over for tea/sleepover a bit more often (note we went from 3 children at home to just 1 as son went to uni a week after DD1 left).

My non-DS was left behind last year as his very close sister spent the whole of last summer bouncing between one SS and another. As it involved flights etc and he hadn’t  been away for years this hit him hard. I took the time and said that I recognised his feelings but promised his time will come. With my fingers crossed and with many prayers 😉. Which fortunately have been answered this summer (quicker than I had ever hoped/expected) Oh, and the promise that as his sister moves to Voc Sch this Autumn he can move into the far bigger bedroom (his sisters). Which appears to have worked = one happy child and one relieved mum. 😊 = peaceful household. For now. 😂

 

Edited by balletbean
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Leapinglizards said:

Initially she was happy for her but now she seems to be taking it very personally and there seems to be a distance between them

 

Can I suggest that you let her be for a bit? Don't try to force her to clamp down on understandable feelings (as long as she's not outrightly rude to her younger sister). Let her feel what she feels - it must be really rubbing it in that her ambition is not only not for her, but that her younger sister is likely to be successful where she has failed.

 

I'm saying this from a bit of experience. I'm an eldest child, and my next sister down was extremely talented at something that the whole family was involved with, and that my mother particularly valued (my next sister down was probably her favourite). My sister was talented, pretty, people were drawn to her; I was shy and relatively plain-looking (still am!). There were inevitable comparisons ... in those days (1960s/70s) children were not encouraged to express their feelings, and I was one child of 5, so it was understandable that my parents found strong emotions - particularly sibling rivalry - disruptive and too much to deal with.

 

So I hope you're able to hold a course between the two (gosh it must be difficult) which respects your elder DD's understandable pain. Good luck - it must be heart-breaking for you too!

Edited by Kate_N
  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, Leapinglizards said:

My oldest DD loved all types of dance and excelled from a young age from performances to exams . Her dance teacher advised that due to her body type classical ballet would not be a possibility for a career . She still auditioned for vocational school at her insistence and broke her heart when it was an expected no. Her sister two years younger and much shyer never got chosen for any big parts and often got lower exam results than her sister , however her dance teacher said she had incredible physical facility . Last year she became a JA and 5 month later ending up on the audition tread mill. Without expection of a place anywhere. She was offered at place at the very school her sister so desperately wanted to go to. Initially she was happy for her but now she seems to be taking it very personally and there seems to be a distance between them. This makes me very sad especially as my youngest daughter will board from September. Has anyone experienced this ? Or have any ideas on how to deal with the situation? TIA

 

Are there any youth companies near you that the eldest could do? We have been in similar situation. There is only 2 years between my 2 dds. Dd2 always felt in shadow as Dd1 had more dance success. They recently auditioned for schools and everyone expected Dd1 to get a place. Dd2 got finals and Dd1 got a no. In the end Dd2 got a no too so not quite your situation but still a bit of a shock especially as Dd2 now known as more of a singer.

Dd1 is in a youth ballet co which dd2 too young for so that softened it a bit.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Leapinglizards you have all my sympathy - that's a very difficult situation. I don't have any personal experience of sibling dance rivalry but have observed the bitter disappointment my dd has experienced at times and tbh very often it is just time that heals things. Hopefully things will settle as the girls come to terms with the situation. Try to boost dd1 in any way you can. Have you spoken to their dance teacher?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have twins who both started out dancing at 4, but have gone very different ways, both started with an interest in ballet but one, the boy loved it more. My daughter, still loves dancing but loves the free expression in contemporary. Also she’s been very aware from day 1 that she didn’t have the physique to go anywhere with it despite my protestations. 

Once last year when DD saw DS going to auditions all over the country did I think she got a teeny bit jealous, and that was mostly cause he had a day off school!! They’re 11 now and go to the same dance school but do completely different classes! Suits us, but it means I spend half my life in the car waiting!!! 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 xx

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for all the advice . Taking it all onboard , it was all going so well yesterday lovely family day out . Until this morning when I heard the eldest shrieking  “she’s got my socks on again “  and some sort of kerfuffle there after . The house will certainly be quieter in September 😂🙄

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

May I offer our patent family remedy on socks/tights?  Each female in the family has their own colour nail varnish and a small dab is applied to the items as purchased?  My mum used to do it for my sister and I, and she and I both use it ourselves now.

 

As for the boys .. well getting anything out of the bedroom and into the wash is miracle enough in our house.  I am still uncovering items that came home from school up to 6 years ago.  Eww.

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, meadowblythe said:

 

May I offer our patent family remedy on socks/tights?  Each female in the family has their own colour nail varnish and a small dab is applied to the items as purchased?  My mum used to do it for my sister and I, and she and I both use it ourselves now.

 

 

That didn't work for my sister and I.  SHE STILL TOOK MY STUFF!!!  But it is a good idea.

 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...