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Goodbye and thanks for all the tips


dramascientist

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Hello everybody it’s been a long time since my last post, over a year and I have to say it’s not been the greatest.  I just had a read of the audition results  thread and had a little smile to myself about how excited everybody is about the start of their journey.  I can still remember the thrill of receiving offers and the excitement of the journey.  Unfortunately ours did not end so well.  Half way through DDs final year at Vocational school she began to struggle with the stress of the dancers life, eating less and less and other disrtructive behaviour.  In the end we had to pull her out and bring her home.  A year on she is recovering but I do not know if she will ever dance again.  My heart bleeds when I think of all her talent going to waste, not only the dancing but her acting, singing and music too.  It’s been very hard to come to terms with it, it has been so much a part of our lives together since she started at ballet school on her third birthday (she will be 20 in June).  I almost feel that I can’t remember the good times because they are so overshadowed by the way it ended.  I struggle to talk about it with her or DH because he blames ballet and the school whereas I know some blame lies at the feet of DD because she did not talk to us about how she was feeling.  

 

So I suppose I just want to say enjoy your journeys, savour very moment but take care to talk to your DCs, check they still want it and are not continuing because they think they should or because they think they cannot do anything else and have no other talents.  DD or rather ex DD is beginning to find she does have other strings to her bow but Sometimes I long for that little resilient girl who got a no from RBS so learnt another language in 6 months so she could accept a place at the national ballet school in the country where DH and myself worked.

 

I miss you all

Dramascientist

 

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Oh dramascientist, that's so sad.  You've been a great part of this forum and we will miss you.  I sincerely hope your dd regains her love of dance one day, even if it's purely recreational.  

 

As someone who struggled terribly as a teenager and young adult, I don't like to hear the word "blame" applied to young people in your dd's situation.  It must have been frightening and frustrating for you as a parent and we'd all like to hope that our child can and would talk to us, but sometimes they can't even verbalise their feelings to themselves, let alone others.  

 

I hope your dd discovers her next dream and that you'll be able to look back and remember the happy ballet memories.  Very best of luck to you all. 

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I am so sorry to hear this dramascientist. I’ve followed your posts over the years. It is a constant worry & I am constantly checking with Dd if this is what she really wants to do. It’s also been a huge factor in deciding where she will study so she is close to home. 

 

I hope that your dd finds her way in life & I wish you all the best. 

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Thanks for sharing this with us dramascientist - a timely message for us all. I hope your daughter is on the mend and I hope she is able to dance again. Life is far too short - happiness is everything.  Good luck. 

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So sorry to read this. I hope your dd soon recovers and finds a new joy in her life and you are all able to look back fondly with happy dance memories.

My dd is only 9 and has dreams of becoming a ballerina. Part of me hopes she changes her mind, I worry now about what may lie ahead for her.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story.

 

Whilst your journey has not been a smooth one recently it is just that, a journey of which you are still travelling on and heading into a bright new future. 

 

With all the new and the exciting times to look forward to ahead. 

 

I wish your daughter and your family all the best. x

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Drama scientist I was extremely moved by your very brave post. The journey from teenager to adult can be a very difficult one sometimes. For dancers there are many added stresses, but it can happen in any environment especially to those who set themselves very high standards. No one is to blame for experiencing stress and anxiety issues, any more than they would be for a physical illness. I hope you all get the support that you so very much deserve and that you and your daughter come back to a good place. Above all be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the best for the future.

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1 hour ago, Mnemo said:

Drama scientist I was extremely moved by your very brave post. The journey from teenager to adult can be a very difficult one sometimes. For dancers there are many added stresses, but it can happen in any environment especially to those who set themselves very high standards. No one is to blame for experiencing stress and anxiety issues, any more than they would be for a physical illness. I hope you all get the support that you so very much deserve and that you and your daughter come back to a good place. Above all be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Exactly this...I'm so sorry to hear that you are all going through such a difficult time.  But please don't blame yourself your DD, or ballet. I think that dance students (or any student) who are serious about what they are doing are open to, and put themselves under a significant level of stress and discipline. It's the nature of the beast and the chances are that if she had stayed at your local secondary school or college she would have been equally hard on herself. As a parent I think that you make your decisions for your child based upon the information, instinct and opportunities available at the time. In hindsight they may not have been the best choices,but trust that whichever decisions you made were with her best interests at heart. I wish you all the very, very best. X

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I'm so sorry to hear this Dramascientist and wish your family all the best for the future. Your daughter will recover and be successful in the future.

 

I know you will guide her wisely - your opinion has always been one I value.

 

You are brave to post and it is of value to all dc and parents to know about the darker side of this dance business. Too often it is not discussed in public. I am glad that you and another parent have felt able to share such experiences recently. 

 

Take care.

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........ a very honest and brave post Dramascientist , thank you for sharing as it must be a very difficult time for you all. It is so important for us all to realise that the journey of a dancer or any young person following their own path can be so difficult and stressful for them and it doesn't always end up as we/they originally planned. There is no-one to blame ...... it's just 'life' and it's inevitable curve balls. It's how you deal with these situations that matters. You all recognised there was a problem and made the changes necessary to help your daughter heal and find a new path. You sound a lovely caring and strong family. Your daughter will succeed and move forward . Wishing you all the very best and hoping that one day you will all look back and view your daughters dancing days as not all negative but part of her very rich tapestry of life. 

Good luck to your daughter - it sometimes takes greater strength to change direction than to accept the status quo xx

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Thank you for your brave and kind post. I’ve enjoyed your contributions to the forum over the years and think you have been a wise poster. I hope you are ok about the choices your Dd has made - I know the pain you feel at the fact she is no longer wanting to be part of the dance world.  In the long term, I hope she finds happiness in whatever path she chooses; all we ever want is for our children to be happy and ok with themselves, and I hope this happens for your daughter. Please keep us posted about her future plans and successes. 😀

Edited by Karen
Edited for typo
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13 hours ago, dramascientist said:

Sometimes I long for that little resilient girl who got a no from RBS so learnt another language in 6 months so she could accept a place at the national ballet school in the country where DH and myself worked.

 

Wow, that's impressive.  Resilience: the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape. I suspect that it is still there, underneath it all: it's just that great weight or pressure can suppress it for a very long time, and it's only when that pressure finally starts to lift that the previous "shape" starts to be resumed.  At least, I certainly hope that will be the case for your daughter - and the rest of you - and the sooner the better.  All good wishes to you all.

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Such a shame that things haven't turned out as you all hoped, but at least you all know what's going on and can work toward a happier future, whatever that might involve. As long as you're all communicating and she's being open about her thoughts and feelings, that'll help a lot. Life is more complicated for teens and young adults than for young children, but it sounds as though she's moving forward. All the best for her and for you, and keep communicating!

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Oh my heart aches for you and your daughter, dramascientist. I was initially sad when my DD lost all her joy in dance by the end of Year 8, and since then we have been slowly cutting back the ballet. Now she is in Year 10 and says this will be her last year of competitions (our school year goes from Feb to Dec). She has stopped doing vocational exams, and I'm not sure she will return to dance in 2019. I'm gradually getting used to the idea but it is so strange to try to visualise life without dance after 11 years!

Our DD has also shown some destructive behaviour, along with that perfectionist tendency that so many dancers have. It's hard but we have to keep trying to get through to them that they can talk to us. They try to get through that transition from child to adult in a world of mirrors and such demanding schedules and work ethics! No wonder some (if not all) struggle with it.

But resilience is such a valuable life skill, and I think that perhaps DC like ours have to step away from the dance world to be able to view it more objectively. Like the others, I wish you both well.

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 Hi Dramascientist sorry to hear of the stress you and. your dd have  been under .I thought I would post to let you know there are others out there who know how you feel. 

Your post made me feel quite emotional thinking back 3 years to when my eldest decided not to continue with her training.

Quote " my heart bleeds when I think of all her talent going to waste"  Completely resonates with how I felt and still do feel at times  especially if I hear her singing along to a tune or absent mindedly tapping on the kitchen floor.

It sounds ridiculous but it is almost like a "mourning" of what could have been. Like you say and with most of us our DCs will have been dancing from a very early age so it is a huge part of our lives. Their dreams become our dreams and it is difficult to accept it is no longer what they want.

Im sure it is very difficult for your dd to talk about especially to you too as feelings of letting you down and disappointing everyone could well be underlying.

I have never had a definitive reason for my daughter giving it all up and I have finally stopped looking for one , my common response when people ask why  ...... "Who knows".

Wishing you and your daughter lots of happiness for the future . 

 

 

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So sorry your family is going through this tough time.  I was where your dd was 30 years ago and all I can say is, it gets better.  As soon as she finds something else that ignites her interest she will put her considerable talents and energies into that and will, I am sure, be successful and happy.  It will take many many years to move away from dance and be happy about it but in the long run I’m sure she will be much happier. 

 

Its tough for the parents but I’m sure you are giving her all the support and love she needs.  But also remember, YOU in all of this.  Take care of yourself and don’t for a second blame yourself or anyone else.  It’s just part of life’s rich tapestry. Nobody did anything wrong, everything happens as it’s meant to and life carries on. Doesn’t mean it’s easy but it helps to get through the tough times. 

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So sorry to read this news. Best wishes to your daughter for a good recovery. I hope she soon finds something else to focus on and learns to be happy again. And likewise for you and the rest of the family. Take care of yourselves x

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Like Harwel above, this brings back memories for me from over 30 years ago. I have been in places I never thought I would get out of but I can tell you though that your daughter will find her passion again. I was passionate about changing the stigma around mental health in the Arts. I worked alongside Mind to inspire groups to tell their own mental health stories. I spoke at conferences, sometimes to 5 people and sometimes to 500. I went on to train as a mental health nurse, I was passionate about helping others in similar sutuations and have done so many times on individual basis. I have continued to be an avid watcher of the arts, and ironically, have a DS who has just started out on his dancing journey. His absolute favourite being ballet. (Of course!😊) one of my best friends trained at RBS upper school and left in year 12 after getting involved with illicit substances, due to the stress and need for perfection in every area of her life.The subsequent drug induced psychosis nearly beat her, Bet her name wasn’t mentioned at the leavers service...😔😔

The world can be a scary place when you’re 18, but there is an immense amount of good around, you just have to find your niche...Best of luck...pm if you need any further words of wacky wisdom...xxx

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So sorry to hear this Dramascientist but the good news is that your daughter is finding new things to focus on. Her health and happiness is the most important thing and I'm sure she will be successful in whatever she puts her mind to in the future. Also best wishes to you for what must be such an emotional rollercoaster and for sharing your thoughts so honestly. I'm sure you and your daughter will be an inspiration to others who may be in the same situation. Best of luck to you, your daughter and family for the future. 

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I am so sorry to hear of your sadness,please try to remember the happy times you all had,your dd is very lucky,to have a beautiful mum like you.

Dancing never truly leaves you,and maybe she could still dance, vocational school is not always the answer xx

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Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing your sad story. As someone else said it is like a ‘mourning’ and I completely get that as for most of us ballet and dancing have been a part of our lives for so long. My dd is not as passionate as she once was for the performing arts and has lost a lot of confidence due to certain factors and it is so sad to see. It’s a difficult age these teenage years and we can only hope and pray they get through them and it not affect their mental state too much. I wish you and all your family the very best for your future and hope your daughter soon finds a new passion and talent To inspire her.

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A very brave post, thank you for sharing. I'm still "mourning" the end of my son's ballet career 3 years after he decided to give it all up. We supported him through terrible homesickness, the negative side of the appraisal process, injuries meaning having to pull out of competitions, an operation etc but I hold on to all the positive experiences we/he had - the friendships made, the amazing time he had living and performing with friends in Estonia, the amazing confidence and resilience he built up, his amazing physicality which he's now putting to good use as a personal trainer.

 

Do pop back occasionally, maybe to the Not Dance section to let us know how she's doing. Best wishes xx

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