Suvis Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Hi this is my first post so hopefully it’s in the right place. Has anyone got any tips for helping my 9yr old DD coping with disappointment please? Never seen such heartbreak over not getting a place in CAT at Northern ballet after a full weekend final audition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alison Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Welcome to the forum, Suvis. I'm sure some of the parents will be able to advise you shortly (although perhaps not with such alacrity as when it's not a Bank Holiday), but in the meantime you could try using the search box at top right, setting it to This Forum and typing in "disappointment" - I've just done that, and it did bring up a lot of useful contributions. Best of luck with your DD. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Born2perform Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Sorry your DD is upset. She is still very young in terms of development both physically and psycologically. It might be worth looking at something like cechetti associates who seem to have younger children. I tell my DD that learning to deal with dissapointment is part of dance training. It just means that the dancer is just not ready yet for that particular activity/part yet. Children develop and get stronger at different ages as with other activities. We have all seen the children that are reading at 3 years old while others take up to 7+ years. It is the same with dancing. If they learn to think they win some/lose some it will help them be strong enough to take rejection for auditions if they want to work professionally in later life. To be honest, I think it is us parents that find it more difficult to deal with! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pups_mum Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Sorry to hear this Suvis. Its tough. I can still remember how dreadful it was telling my DD that she hadn't got into RBS JA's but her best friend had, and that's over a decade ago now. To be honest, I'm not sure there is anything that you can do to ease the upset really. As parents of course we want to be able to put everything right for our children but sadly we can't. We can't make audition panels change their minds, and often we can't even give a good explanation of why a particular outcome has happened. I just used to remind my DD that she was still the same person after we opened the envelope/email as she was before, and just as loved and valued. Not being successful at one audition doesn't necessarily mean that she won't be at others and different opportunities will come along I'm sure. She did well to get to the finals as these schemes are all massively oversubscribed, so she obviously has potential. I think its particularly hard at this age as most of the little ones who are applying for junior associates etc are among the best at their local schools, and its quite a shock to go out into the wider world and discover that the competition is quite as intense at it is.Its often the first time they have faced rejection and there's really no way to make it easier. With time they get more resilient (and so do we!). Cuddles and Easter eggs may help, and many swear by wine - for yourself of course! 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balletbean Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 10 minutes ago, Born2perform said: Sorry your DD is upset. She is still very young in terms of development both physically and psycologically. It might be worth looking at something like cechetti associates who seem to have younger children. I tell my DD that learning to deal with dissapointment is part of dance training. It just means that the dancer is just not ready yet for that particular activity/part yet. Children develop and get stronger at different ages as with other activities. We have all seen the children that are reading at 3 years old while others take up to 7+ years. It is the same with dancing. If they learn to think they win some/lose some it will help them be strong enough to take rejection for auditions if they want to work professionally in later life. To be honest, I think it is us parents that find it more difficult to deal with! I agree totally, Dancing and the performing arts industry as a whole is full of disappointments. It's how we learn to handle them makes us all a better and stronger person and performer as we all develop and grow. I always flip these kind of experiences around and say that just like a performance this was a dress rehearsal. Your time will come and if they truly want something then these little set backs are the encouragement they need. My DD attended her first SS at 14 having never had access to any associate programme and will be starting at Vocational School this September at just 16. Her time will come 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiewoo Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 It is hard. DD had a recall for Northern Ballet Associates, but didn't get a place. She wasn't nearly as upset as I thought she would be, but she has developed some resilience (I think) by doing festivals/competitions. I hate it at the end when they all stand there smiling, the adjudicator calls out some numbers and those children have placed and the rest still need to stand there & smile until dismissed. DD was 9 when she started Festivals and it took a while to keep smiling. I too, just told DD that it was obviously not meant to be and she did very well to get as far as she did, but it isn't the place for her right now. Hugs to you Suvis and your DD. X X X 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Sunshine Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 My dd got a no one year for an associate's but a yes for the same one the next year. The yes was so lovely so keep going 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O`Brien Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Welcome to the Forum, Suvis. Tell your DD that she will have plenty of other opportunities to dance and to keep her chin up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 30 minutes ago, Pups_mum said: I can still remember how dreadful it was telling my DD that she hadn't got into RBS JA's but her best friend had, and that's over a decade ago now. That was us too and it stung for a long time after. It is true that there are always many more applicants (massively more) than there are spaces, so not getting a place this time means 'not now' rather than 'never'. And getting to finals is an achievement in itself. I always told my dd that she was the same beautiful dancer after she got the 'no' than she was before it. In a competitive world like dance, everyone gets a no sooner or later, and there is a lot to be said for getting it over with at an early age. I agree with pups mum about the chocolate, and most definitely about the wine. Hugs to you both XXX and best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueLou Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Hi Suvis, my dd first tried for the Northern CAT programme when she was 13. Like your daughter, she didn’t get on and she was upset. The following year she did get on, and 2 years later she has just received an offer from Rambert. So your story can end well - just keep going! 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Hi Suvis, It is so very hard. My DD had a recall for Northern but didn’t get a place, nor did she get Royal which she also auditioned for. She was very disappointed as she loves ballet but knows that she perhaps doesn’t have the perfect physical attributes that are required. She is most definitely more resilient than I am and I am so proud of her especially as three friends were accepted into the programs she auditioned for and she truly has been very happy for all of them. Your DD will be fine and I know it’s heartbreaking for you as Mum to see her so sad but it will make her stronger and more determined and also teach her the very important life lesson that life is not always fair. Also she’s very young and has many years of auditions ahead of her so it’s great for her to build up that much needed resiliency now! I really do feel for you both though! Hope you have a lovely Easter with your lovely DD xx 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna C Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Lovely advice from everyone, as always! Welcome to the forum, Suvis. All I have to add is that actually, the earlier a child gets his or her first "no" in the ballet world, the better, in many cases. Younger children are often much more resilient than we think, and trust me, there will be an awful lot more "no thank you"s to come in the years ahead. As others have said, it's often a "not right now" rather than a "never" and associate schemes quite often like to see a child a year later. The heartbreak may seem acute right now but lots of reassurances that it's not personal, there are just lots more talented children than places, and the key is to keep trying - all this should help and I bet your little one gets over it more quickly than you expect. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suvis Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Wow!!! Im totally blown away by all the responses, words of kindness and encouragement. thank you - it’s made a huge difference to both myself and my DD!!! 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katniss Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Please tell Yr dd to keep going , I remember seeking the same advice from the lovely people on this forum when my dd failed to get a Elmhurst finals in for Yr 7...& 2 months later then got offered WL . She’s had plenty of no’s since for various things but she’s never forgotten the wise comments from here .Best of luck to your dd , I bet her’yes’ is just round the corner.. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMoo2 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 DS (10) said to tell your DD, “keep going, and going and going, One day though...never lose that conviction and just say to yourself it wasn’t meant to be”. Try to enjoy them too! 👍👍 xx 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YorkshirePudding Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 (edited) My DS was 8 at the time and was asked by a Mum if he had any pre-audition advice for her even younger DS and he said quick as a flash 'just be yourself and remember you get a lot more "nos" than "yeses" in this game!'. I'm sorry your DD is upset but I do think children develop very healthy resilience from the process and they move on from the disappointment far more easily than we parents do sometimes. I can confirm we have indeed already had far more nos than yeses (and he is only 9!) but in hindsight the yeses have been a better fit for DS than the nos would have been, and I hope the same is true for your DD. As others have said no can mean 'Not yet' or even in our experience 'Not quite this', opening other doors we might never otherwise have noticed. Edited March 31, 2018 by YorkshirePudding 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoglett Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 (edited) I honestly think we find it harder than they do. When my DD was younger she used to sob for about half an hour, then we'd talk, have a 'special' tea and it would be fine. Now she's a bit older she tends to focus more on improving a technique. I think my thing is it's not a 'no' it's a 'not yet'. Edited March 31, 2018 by hoglett Spelling 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glissade Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 Handy quote from The Good Place: "I wasn't a failed DJ - I was pre-successful" 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeliB Posted April 3, 2018 Share Posted April 3, 2018 I think it's also helpful for her to know how many stories there are on this forum of DKS who have had refusals followed by acceptances. I agree early refusals can be helpful in making them more resilient- when my DD was a diver she knew a number of kids who won gold medal after gold medal in novice comps for several years then the minute they moved to the next level and stopped coming first all the time they gave up as they couldn't cope with being less than first. .. I always like to tell people on this forum my son was turned down for royal associates on multiple occasions- fast forward 6 years and he has a contract at one of the world's best ballet companies and is the happiest I've ever seen him. So associate classes are not a perfect predictor of ability or future success!!! 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluebird22 Posted April 3, 2018 Share Posted April 3, 2018 CeliB I tell your DS story all the time to a new to the dance world mum and her absolutely incredible son. He has it, whatever it is, he has it in abundance and Royal turned him down last year at the time both me and his mum were utterly flummoxed, but everything happens for a reason! He’s dancing with a fabulous associate teacher elsewhere, who just absolutely gets him, and he’s more in love with ballet than ever before. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amos73 Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 Dd is another example - she has had multiple swl for Royal associates and summer school without a place coming up , made finals for various vocational schools (apart from royal) for y7. Was in love with elmhurst at the time but didn’t get a place, went to another vocational school and having re auditioned this yr been offered mds place for y9 at elmhurst. She has learnt to roll with the punches and enjoy the yeses when they happen, an essential quality for a professional dance career. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suvis Posted April 4, 2018 Author Share Posted April 4, 2018 Hi everyone, im still reading these responses out to my DD! This has been invaluable. Thank you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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